The Right Sermon at the Right Time

This past Sunday, I went to church and heard a sermon that I needed to hear. Hope Church’s Senior Associate Pastor, Dr. Eli Morris, delivered the message entitled “My Favorite Track Meet.” You see, the sermon series is on “Faves” and Eli is a self-proclaimed track and field nut, so it was only fitting that he spent Sunday morning talking about this often-overlooked sport.

And whether you are religious or not, Christian or not, or a sports fan or not, the theme of the entire sermon is applicable to your life, I promise. Of course, Eli meant for the “track meet” to parallel your path with God and the journey of Christianity, but it spoke to me about my weight loss journey and transformation process. I took copious notes on the outline and even saved the outline to look back at later. I don't do that with sermon notes very often. 

I’ve been struggling a bit lately (again—no one said this was going to be easy) and I’ve been searching for the answers to a few challenges I’ve been having. I’m fighting for every pound lost right now, and sometimes, I feel the fight in me waning a bit. This sermon hit me square on the head and was exactly what I needed.

Here are a few key points he made and the ones that hit home for me. I think they are applicable to everyone and I hope they help you handle an issue you may be facing:  

• We step off the track because we get distracted by other things. Boy, do we! I have been distracted recently by lots of other things: stress at work, kids and their busy schedules, trying to figure out how to get everything done and the list goes on and on. It is endless. But it is always going to be that way. I just have to assess the situation, adjust and figure out how to get back on track.

• The cost of staying on track seems too great: Again, hit me like a hammer on my head. I sometimes get tired of meal prepping for just me. I prep for breakfast and lunch, and usually dinner. It takes time and it is a hassle. But it is something I have to do. So I just need to suck it up, take a few minutes and prep my meals. It is as simple as that.  

•  We get off the track because we settle: we settle for less because we say things like “well, it’s better than what it used to be.” I’ve been thinking this for a while when trying to determine what my final goal weight will be. I’m happy where I am not, but I want to lose a little more to get to my final goal weight. But I have to be honest, sometimes I’m just ready to be done. And I think “well, this weight is fine. It is better than what it used to be.” NO! I’m not going to settle just yet. It isn’t fine. I am better than fine.

• So why should we get back on track and push on? During this section, Eli talked a lot about character, stewardship and your legacy by doing the right thing. But honestly, the thing that stuck out to me most was that nothing compares to the right thing. NOTHING! Think about that for a second. It’s easy to do the wrong thing (and the “wrong thing” can be whatever applies to you—for me lately, it has been not taking the time to prep my meals or have the right foods in the house. I have just been lazy and get tired of doing it over and over again.) But it is the “right” thing for me to do and I just need to go it and get back on track.

His final thoughts were perhaps the most powerful for me. He addressed how to stay the course, when faced with adversity. This scripture just may be my new favorite. 

“Let us strip off anything that slows us down or holds us back, and especially those sins that wrap themselves so tightly around our feet and trip us up; and let us run with patience on the particular race that God has set before us.” Hebrews 12:1-2

Eli encouraged us to “discard the baggage” (strip off anything that slows us down) in order to stay on the course. In previous blogs, I’ve discussed some of the baggage I’ve discarded over the last year or so: the negative relationships I’ve had in my life (including that very negative relationship I had with food,) bad habits that I have formed for 40 years, the laziness that led to lack of exercise, just to name a few. But that verse tells us to strip off anything that slows us down or holds us back. ANYTHING! Bad habits, actions you shouldn’t be doing, negative people- anything.  

He also talks about taking little steps to stay the course. He referred to some days as “Quick Sand Days,” meaning the only way to survive those days, as you do with quick sand, is to take little steps to get out of it. It is a perfect way to describe some days. Now I have a perfect description for days when I feel like I’m drowning- quicksand days! And now I know that the only way to get out of them is to take little steps.

Lastly, Eli talked about Envisioning the Finish. And lately, I’ve had trouble envisioning the finish and seeing the finish line. As I mentioned previously, I’m now fighting for every pound lost and that is a challenge in and of itself. But it is the little things I have noticed recently that have helped me envision the finish:

•         I went to a water park (twice! and climbed stairs to the top of the tallest water slides and didn’t die (or even get out of breath!)
•         I’m walking a lot (by myself and with a few girlfriends from time to time) and walking pretty fast. And I didn’t die! In fact, when I don't walk, I don't feel as good. 
•          I have some clothes that aren’t that old that are too big. (uh, that's NEVER happened until this journey.) 
•         I’m finally below my pre-pregnancy weight (from nearly 13 years ago!)

That last one about being below my pre-pregnancy weight is HUGE for me. Seriously, my baby will be 12 this week and I’m finally below that weight. I haven’t been below that weight in nearly 13 years!!!!!! That’s what I call a success, even if I haven't reach my goal as quickly as I wanted to. I'm still taking little steps toward achieving it. 

If you want to listen to Eli's sermon in it's entirety, I high recommend it. It can be found here: https://www.hopepres.com/media#!/swx/pp/media_archives/206115/episode/69074. 

One final thought on envisioning the finish: Here is my August photo and progress report.

August 6, 2017
Down 93 pounds! 

To date, I’ve lost 93 pounds. I’m coming up on my one-year anniversary of surgery August 23, and I’m both excited and a bit sad. Excited because I know how far I’ve come, but a bit sad because I really wanted to reach 100 pounds by my birthday. When I didn’t, I began to really get down about it and to be honest, I felt a little bit like a failure. But after a bit of wallowing in my own self-pity, I picked myself up and began again. I’ve set a new goal of losing a total of 115 pounds total, so I have 22 more pounds to go. Since I’m fighting for every pound now, my goal is to get that final 22 pounds off by Christmas of this year. It’s going to take a lot of work and perseverance, but I can do it… one little step and quicksand day at a time. 

Leaders, Don't Just "Check the Box"

Over the years, I’ve worked with leaders (and co-workers), who just want to “check the box.” You know the type (and if you ARE the type, then warning, you may not like what I have to say.) These folks have to accomplish a task by a certain date and “just want to get it done,” regardless if it is the right thing to do. Their obsession with completing the task by a certain date (whether self-imposed or not) seems to wins out over long-term vision of the project and how it fits into the organization’s overall strategy, and doesn’t take into consideration any lasting effects that it might have (and the fact that you might have to go back and fix it within a few months, costing you more time and money.) Sometimes, they even get so zoned in on meeting the deadline that they may not involve the right stakeholders and experts, which can be detrimental to an employee’s and entire team’s engagement.

Now, I’m not saying that completing a task or project on time isn’t important, because it most certainly is. And I’m also not talking about procrastinating and pushing the job back because you want to. I’m talking about making the decision to delay the project because the consequences of “just getting it done” and checking the box will be worse in the long run. Most of the time, you will end up having to re-do the project and cost the organization valuable time, resources and dollars, and perhaps even a bit of your reputation.

Timeliness and prioritization to complete a task is the hallmark of a magnanimous manager. But just completing a task on time, and not considering the long-term effects on strategy and the organization is a bit short-sighted. It’s a plaguing problem for teams and it is time for the magnanimous manager to step in get the job done RIGHT (and not just merely on time.) Trust me, delaying the project a short amount of time will pay off big time in the long run.

When starting a project with a timeline, the magnanimous manager will ask a variety of questions of him/herself and those on the team a few questions to ensure he/she is getting the job done right, and not just “checking the box.”

What impact does this project have on our brand/the organization? A magnanimous manager will always consider how even the smallest of projects can impact the overall objectives of the organization. Remember, everything communicates and even the smallest projects (and their outcomes) have implications to your company’s brand, as well as to your own personal brand. If a project is strategic (and if it isn’t, should you really be spending time doing it?) then you should consider its place in the overall goal of the organization. What is the shelf life of the project? Is it a long-term project with a last impact or a short-term project for the interim? Perhaps just getting the job done is fine for a project with a short shelf life, but chances are, the project is a part of a larger strategy and that should be taken into account.

Who should be involved? It may seem like an obvious thing to do, but magnanimous managers carefully consider who should be involved in the project. Of course, not everyone can be involved in every project, but take the time to consider if there are people on your team, or even in other departments, who might have a vested interest or skill set for this project. Consider the skill set to get this project completed and find the right team member with that skill. Don’t assume they don’t have time to complete it or wouldn’t be interested. And if they aren’t on your team, talk to their supervisor about giving the team member the flexibility to work on the project. It could be a defining career moment for someone.

Is this a project that I can hand to someone to lead so they can have their shining moment? I’m a firm believer that great leaders lift up those below them to help their team members succeed. And what better way to have someone really show you what they are made of than to hand them a project of their own to lead and manage. Of course, the magnanimous manager will be involved when needed and will provide honest feedback when it is needed most, but allowing someone else to shine on a project may just be the relief you need, and the opportunity your team members has craved.

Did we test it enough to feel confident in the project's success? I’m not talking about spending tons of money on countless focus groups or quantitative research methods like surveys to give you analysis paralysis. After all, the magnanimous manager still runs a dictatorship, not a democracy. I’m talking about getting a feel for how the project tracks against the organization’s goals and how it matches up against key performance indicators. Sometimes, it is running it by complete strangers to see how it might track. Other times, it running it by a variety of stakeholders to ensure the project meets the objectives set forth in the beginning. Either way, testing it will either provide validation that you are going down the right path or you need to do a complete u-turn.

Finally, (and this is perhaps the most painful one to ask yourself and others, ask: What happens if we don’t’ get it done on time? As I said previously, getting something accomplished by a deadline is very important, but is it the most important thing? Ask yourself if something truly will fall behind if you finish a few days (or gasp! a few weeks) behind schedule. Chances are, it won’t. Better to complete the project the right way, versus just on time.

In a previous job, I worked with a “check the box” kind of co-worker. And nearly every time, no matter the size of the project, we had to go back and re-do the initiative three to six months later, which costs us money and precious time. Some of her “check the box” nature was rooted in the fact that she had a lot of projects on her plate and not enough human capital on her team to get it done. Having a full plate, combined with her introverted personality proved to be a recipe for “check the box.” Rather than reach out to her coworkers for advice or help, she just plowed through at breakneck speed to get it done. And in doing so, she left out some key members of the team and other co-workers that she should have involved due to their expertise (including mine). Perhaps if this leader had asked these questions, included the right members of her team and co-workers, and taken into account the long-term goals and strategy of the organization, we maybe could have avoided some of the pitfalls and not had to redo the project. 

Don't be a "check the box" leader, be a #magnanimousmanager.

I. AM. ENOUGH. (or am I?)

I am a failure. It’s not certain that I have failed, but I am nearly 100 percent sure that I have failed. On one hand, I feel ashamed. Embarrassed. Humiliated. Ridiculous. I feel like an impostor. The number on the scale looks back at me and taunts me, but the last few weeks, I feel like it’s been laughing at me. Reminding me that I am in impostor. 

On the other hand, I’m reminding myself of how far I have come. And I don’t mean just the weight I’ve lost and the number of pounds that have gone. My habits have changed; I’ve made exercise an integral part of my life (finally!) and realized that I don’t live to eat anymore, but I eat to live. I’ve gotten rid of some of the negativity in my life, including negative people, a negative job situation, and I might have even learned to love myself again (or for the first time.)

But the one question keeps nagging at me, is it enough? I want to believe it to be true, that I AM Enough. It’s become my mantra since a friend from high school reminded me so encouragingly and eloquently in March that I am enough and more than a number on a scale. It was solidified as my mantra when another friend sent me a bracelet with those very words inscribed after she had read my blog about it. It serves as a happy reminder that I am enough. But still, I doubt. Still, I feel like an impostor.

Losing weight has been an extremely emotional journey for me; perhaps more emotional than I ever gave it credit for. I’ve been spending months trying to put my finger on it, and this week I finally landed on how exactly I felt- like an IMPOSTOR. To be honest, I’ve always felt this way. I can remember as a child when I got praise for something or – mainly for good grades – or achieved an academic success, that someone was going to figure me out and uncover me as the fraud I really was. I’ve felt this way literally all of my life, and I think it’s a big reason why I’ve never been able to keep the weight off despite having lost weight several times before. Even now when I open my eyes in the morning I have this fear that I’ve put the weight back on and I won’t have any clothes that fit.

In a way, the weight I carried has masked my insecurity. And in turn, I was highly insecure about the extra weight I was carrying. That’s quite the vicious cycle! But as I near 41 years old, I wonder if that mask was the real me? Maybe the real me is fat? 

I also realize now that I’ve felt this way my entire life. I’ve never quite been able to put my finger on it, but I’ve never felt like I was enough, no matter how good I was at something or how good my grades were, or how much I was praised for it. I just keep thinking “someone’s gonna figure me out.”

A few years ago, like every woman in America it seems, I read Sheryl Sandberg’s pro-female, career gospel about empowering women to achieve, Lean In. I was hooked. It was there that I first read about Impostor syndrome. Impostor syndrome, also known as impostorism or the impostor phenomenon, is like self-doubt, but on steroids. It’s more than insecurity about yourself or your abilities. According to Harvard Business School Professor Amy Cuddy, it is a paralyzing fear that we don’t belong and that we’ve fooled people into thinking that we are much more talented than we actually are. Another facet is realizing others AREN’T impostors, and that they actually deserve to be in a successful situation, oftentimes over you.

Yes! Yes! All of this.Yes!! I had never mentioned this feeling to anyone, but I felt this way all of the time. About everything. And, I’d never heard anyone else talk about it. It was like one of my biggest secrets. I kept living in fear that I would be figured out. And I still do to this day.

But now, my feelings of impostorism are about being fat. Now, I am not skinny by any means, but I feel like any day I’m going to be “outed” as a fat person and wake up that way again. (I mean seriously, I wake up in the morning and one of the first things I do is feel my stomach.) I still feel like an impostor, just a skinnier one. Fat covers up so much other stuff, stuff I didn’t even realize I was feeling.

Now, back to the weight loss journey – I’ve had a huge realization! I’ve realized I’ve been afraid to be skinny for years. I know that may sound crazy, but I got comfortable being the funny, fat girl in the room. Yep, Rebel Wilson and Melissa McCarthy, if I too had been discovered, I would have killed it in Bridesmaids and Pitch Perfect.) I learned to hide as a fat girl, which is very ironic, because you are so physically visible to people, but so often overlooked. You can pretty much be invisible if you want to me. And a lot of times, contrary to my extroverted personality, I wanted to be. Frankly, I figured out a long time ago it was easier to be the fat funny girl, than to be the fit, in-shape skinny girl. People just expected less of you. They expected you to make them laugh and you would always be there for them (because where else were fat girls gonna be on Friday nights?)

I feel like I’m rambling a bit, but lately I’ve been trying to process the emotions I’ve had on this journey. And I have this nagging feeling that I am not enough. And that I never have been enough. And that I’m a failure. Even when I sometimes have a false sense of feeling enough, I feel semi-confident and then I’m knocked back down to the impostor that I am.

A couple of weeks ago I had a realization that led to a minor meltdown with Tom. Again, it was my impostorism creeping in. (Bless his heart, he gets to hear all of these, and he always knows exactly what to say.) One morning it occurred to me that I was going to fail. I wasn’t going to make my #100byJune24 goal. And I felt like I was going to throw up and have my heart stop beating all at the same time. How could I possibly fail at this? I was so focused! Hell, I’ve been blogging about it and even created a damn hashtag. But obviously, I wasn’t focused enough. I began to feel ridiculous, and maybe even start to ugly cry. Then Tom looked at me, put his arms around me and simply said, “so, you’ll just revise your goal. It’s just a number, Dawn. You need to focus on how far you’ve come… you’ve set this goal for yourself, no one else did. So you can revise It. You’ve lost 86 pounds, you look amazing, you look fit and are healthy. Who cares if you reach 100 pounds by an arbitrary date?”

Wow. Just wow. For a man who sometimes doesn’t say a lot, he said so much. He was right. And I wanted to believe him. I tried to believe him. But still, not making this goal makes me feel like a failure. Like an impostor. Not Enough.

I am very aware how ridiculous this all sounds. And like my other posts, I don't want your pity or for you to feel sorry for me in any way. I also know it doesn’t make much sense to most of you. I’ve revised my goal to #90byJune24, but it doesn’t have the same ring to it. It’s like 3^rd place or worse- a participation trophy or ribbon. And dammit, I wanted 1^st place. I wanted 100 pounds.

I know I will get there eventually and then I can make another goal. I’m still very much a work in progress. I’m reading up more on impostor syndrome and some tips to overcome the debilitating feeling of being a fraud. (I like these tips a lot https://startupbros.com/21-ways-overcome-impostor-syndrome/ ) 

But for now, I keep taking it one day at a time, and sometimes, just one hour at a time. I have made a vow to not get on a scale until June 24, and I hope it says I’ve lost at least 90 pounds. I also hope I don’t cry because it doesn’t say 100 pounds. But I owe a June picture (somehow May slipped by and we didn't get one), so here is one of me wearing my weekend baseball mom attire. Yep, those are those shorts I so desperately wanted to wear, and I look at them everywhere. I am a little obsessed with them right now. They are so comfortable.

June 10, 2017
Approximately 9 1/2 months post-surgery 

 I also wear my bracelet everyday (thanks Lynn Cooper!) It has been a nice reminder for me, especially when I think that someone is going to come in and "out" me as not being qualified for my job, not being as smart as they think I have been, or frankly, as being a fat girl, I look down and desperately try to remember that I am more than just a number on a scale. I try to remember that I. AM. ENOUGH. 

A Tale of Two Physicians

When a physician takes the Hippocratic Oath, he or she swears to uphold ethical standards of the medical profession, respect the privacy of patients, prevent disease whenever possible and a wealth of other noble responsibilities.  But perhaps the most important responsibility a physician has to uphold is to “first do no harm.”

This is the tale of two physicians that have played very significant roles in my family’s lives over the past year or so, and the distance that separates the very different “bedside manners” of each. One is the surgeon who performed my weight loss surgery; the other, the one who removed my mother’s cancerous kidney. As patients who are going through a traumatic experience (and let’s face it, some instances to see a physician are more traumatic than others, but they all share some degree of seriousness,) we expect a level of bedside manner to ease us through our medical issue. Of course, some patients need more coddling than others and for that matter, some situations call for more patient coddling. (And speaking as a frequent patient who has had multiple surgeries including c-sections, gallbladder removal, appendectomy and most recently a gastric sleeve procedure, I myself have needed different levels of coddling.) I also realize that being a doctor is hard. One must balance the high-level stress of holding someone else’s life in your hands, while also knowing how to treat a variety of ailments, with the emotions that come with being human and helping your patients through the range of emotions. It is certainly a profession that is not for everyone, and one that I could never tackle. It should also be mention that I have an immense amount of respect for physicians, nurses, EMTs and anyone in the medical profession. Some of them, however, seem to handle their responsibilities to “do no harm” a little better than others. And “harm,” doesn’t just refer to the physical and medical conditions. The emotional aspect of seeing a physician can be just as traumatic for the patient.

The two physicians to which I am referring could not be further apart on the “bedside manner” scale. As you likely know, about a year ago, I decided to undergo gastric sleeve surgery to aid in weight loss. I did not take this decision lightly and I did lots of research, talked to many patients who had the procedure done, and spent lots of time talking to doctors, nurses, dieticians, psychologists, etc., before taking this very drastic step. It should be noted that I am so very thankful I did this surgery – it has completely changed my life! However, had I been able to choose another surgeon to perform this procedure, I certainly would have. I am not going to mention this surgeon’s name on this blog, but he is the leading bariatric surgeon in Memphis and I promise you can ask anyone in the medical profession or one of his past patients and they will agree with me. He is an a$$hole. He is the most miserable human being I have ever met. Period.

While he may be a great “technician” at his craft, his bedside manner is the worst. He has no ability to connect with his patients on a personal level. I’ve seen him on several occasions now, and he says the same thing every time. He has a script from which he reads and he offers no words of encouragement to his patients. I have chosen to sit there and stare blankly at him until he has finished his script, but I’m quite sure he has had some people yell and him and call him everything in the book. You may recall during my last visit to him, he berated me throughout the entire visit. It. Was. Awful. I knew I hadn’t lost as much weight as I should have, and trust me, I didn’t really need him to tell me that. Of course, I didn’t want him to coddle me, hug me and tell me everything was going to be ok, but I did want him to give me solutions and offer help. But what did he do? He told me losing weight was easy- “you just don’t eat as much and you exercise.” Then he proceeded to tell me that he himself lost 14 pounds the previous month because he wanted to. He just ate less. (I’m going to pause for a moment and let that sink in.)

Of course! That’s it. The solution to all of my weight problems for years and years was just that simple- I want to, so I just simply eat less and exercise more. Of course I realize that scientifically, that is exactly how it works. However, life isn’t really scientific. Raising kids and being married and working full time isn’t scientific, either. But I will cut him some slack and agree that yes, scientifically, that’s how it works.

But let’s get real. Doesn’t he think that if it were that easy for me (and so many others), I would never be in his office in the first place? Doesn’t he know that admitting you can’t achieve your weight loss goals alone after 40 years (give or take) of trying and finally admitting you need medical help and a surgeon to remove 70% of your stomach as the only way it will happen is humiliating enough? Obviously he doesn’t. Of course, Doctor, I should just eat less. Or as he likes to say in his script, stop eating Sonic Blasts. It’s obviously that simple.

The other physician was my mom’s urologist, Dr. Adam Stewart of Conrad Pearson Clinic. He sits on the opposite side of the spectrum. I haven’t shared this news publicly yet, but at the beginning of the month, in what was a whirlwind of a few days, my mom was diagnosed with kidney cancer. Luckily, she listened to her body and within 48 hours of symptoms, she was at the hospital getting a series of tests and was diagnosed with that awful word. The ER physician at Methodist Germantown was delightful and conferred with Dr. Stewart. (Everyone at Methodist Germantown was delightful, by the way.) He got my mom into his office Monday (we were at the hospital on Friday) and he said very plainly, “it is cancer and I want to get that kidney out quickly. If I have trouble scheduling it with the hospital, I will admit you and take it out that way. I will game the system if I must to get it that kidney out tomorrow or Wednesday.”

Dr. Stewart answered all of our questions, gave us so much information and was very, very honest. He didn’t coddle my mom (nor me or my brother), but was gentle, caring, used the appropriate amount of humor to lighten the situation, and was simply human. My father died from cancer, so hearing the word cancer was like a kick in the gut to us. But my mom being the super woman she is, put on her positive attitude and said “Let’s get this kidney out today!!” He was able to remove the entire kidney two days later and he was so wonderful with the group of family that we had at the hospital with us. He even talked directly to my two kids, explaining how he had gotten her kidney by “just reaching in there and grabbing it and pulling it out.” Well done, Doc. You know how to speak to two young boys! J He put us at ease when things were happening so fast and when the word “cancer” was all we heard.  

She stayed in the hospital for two nights and came home on a Friday- a week to the day we got that cancer diagnosis.  She rested for a few days, then went back to see Dr. Stewart for a follow up, and he let us know the cancer had not spread anywhere else, he got it all when he got the kidney, and she was CANCER FREE! She wouldn’t even have to have any chemo. She will get scanned every six months or so, but she could go on about her business being a busy grandma yelling at baseball games. She would just now do it with one kidney!

My spry and spunky Mama Sue with two
of her wonderful grandchildren (minus one kidney!) 

Y’all, I promise if you need a surgical urologist, look no further than Dr. Brian Stewart. I’m sure there are other great urologists in Memphis, but he will be my family’s go-to from now on!

So now back to the other physician. I realize the bariatric surgeon doesn’t have an easy job, and he has to put up some sort of shield because some of his patients (probably most) are in complete denial about how much food they truly consume, their poor eating and exercise habits, and just what it actually does take to maintain a healthy weight. But I know he can do better. There are other physicians at St. Francis that do this procedure and I’ve heard from those patients that they do a much better job with bedside manner.  Perhaps this doctor can learn from them.

First do no harm. If you’ve ever had to go the doctor for your child, family member or yourself, you know there is more than the physical pain that accompanies the visit. The emotional toll can just about be as bad as thee physical pain. Any doctor can – and should—be able to treat the physical ailment and be a skilled “technician.” But finding the right balance of being a skilled “technician,” with just the right amount of heart for your patients is the sweet spot. And in reading the Hippocratic Oath, I think that is essentially the point. In this year filed with a lot of physician visits and interaction, I can tell you that Dr. Stewart upheld that every bit of that oath, and we will be forever grateful.  

The Post I've Been Waiting For

It's spring in the Mid-South and that means a couple of things are for certain while the weather is warming up to the  "seven layers of hell" hot we in Memphis call summer: 

• There is yellow pollen everywhere. Yes everywhere. Cars, parking lots, EVERY WHERE. And we sneeze and have itchy eyes. A LOT. (It's also funny when people that don't live here come and visit and ask "what is this yellow stuff that coats everything?" hahah) 
• Flip flops (and pedicures) are a MUST. No one loves flip flops more than me, but please do me a favor. Ladies, if you are going to show us your toes, please ensure they are pedicured and painted. 
• The Ray family is always at the baseball field. ALWAYS. If you need us, that's where we are. If you invite us somewhere, chances are we can't, because our boys play baseball. (And yes, we enjoy it!! A LOT!) 
• People will start wearing skimpy summer clothes before it is actually time to wear them. (Y'all know it is true.) 
• I can finally wear those shorts! 

Yes, the post that started it all helped me tell the world I was going on a weight-loss journey -- the Nike running shorts. I finally bought a pair, well, three actually!  And I must say, I love them! I've worn them around the house and while walking. Can't wait to wear them to the ball field this weekend. 

Now, a word about those shorts: they. are. short. (at least they are for me.) I haven't really worn shorts in a long time, and when I did, they were a tad longer than these- thank God Bermuda shorts were in style. But i'm slowly getting use to them. 

I wanted to rush out and buy them a few weeks ago, but I gave myself a goal: I wouldn't purchase them until I lost 80 pounds. And I met that goal!!! So you better believe I hightailed it to Academy and bought myself some shorts. It was fun to go shopping there (we seem to go there so much, it is the Ray boys' favorite store) and actually find something to fit. Even Tom got into the act! 

Now, I still have a ways to go before I reach my goal (#100byJune24) but I'm on my way. I have had to hit Ctrl + Alt + Del (on a much smaller scale than a couple of months ago) once or twice, but as we tell our kids, that's the beauty of tomorrow. You get to start over. And some days it seems i start over every day, but that's okay. 

I feel like all of my entire support system was there with me when I made this big purchase. Every card, e-mail, text message, hug at the ball field or at the grocery store or at a school function has been so encouraging to me. So for that, I owe you, dear readers, my April progress photo (sorry it's so late, had a few things going on.) So here you go... shorts and all. 

Post run last week... in my SHORTS!! 

Just want to give a big shout-out to my tribe for making this happen. More to go in this journey, but i couldn't have done it without you! 

A Slightly Different Kind of Post for Me- A business one with a big word in the title

Recently I've been working on beefing up my company's Linked In profile to help us with business development. I was inspired to write my own post about leadership and management and thank one of my role models. Here's the post. I hope you enjoy 

The Magnanimous Manager

How to be more than “just a boss”

I’ve worked a full-time job now for nearly 20 years, and as you can imagine, I’ve had a variety of bosses during that time. I’ve only worked four places, but in those four companies, I’ve seen a lot of different boss personalities come and go, and truthfully, only a handful of them are some that I would consider leaders. Even further, not all of them were leaders for the better. 

Recently, I’ve been reflecting on those bosses that have come through my life and realizing what an impact they made on me, both positively and negatively. Relationships really matter to me and I’ve had a relationship with each and every one of my bosses throughout my career – for better or worse. I am also a student of the people who surround me, so I truly believe you can learn something—good and bad – from everyone in your life. I recently got a new job with a lot of responsibility and a pretty big title, and honestly, I don’t want to mess it up. So I’ve been drawing inspiration from some of my past managers as to how to be a better boss, and ultimately, a better leader. And not only for the team, but for the organization too. I’ve also been thinking back on some of the not-so-great managers I’ve had and trying not to repeat their mistakes.

One of the most influential managers I have ever had the privilege to work under – and alongside -- is someone who I will refer to as the “magnanimous manager.” I’ve chosen not to name him by name because he is very humble and I don’t want to embarrass him in any way. I’ve learned a lot of things from this leader over the years and even though I haven’t worked for him for a few years now, his words oftentimes pop into my head throughout the day- in team meetings, project meetings or even one-on-one meetings with my team. And I will confess, I have modeled my leadership style after him. Heck, I even stole the word magnanimous from him. (For the record, it means “very generous or forgiving, especially toward a rival or someone less powerful than oneself.” Other descriptors include benevolent or big-hearted, but magnanimous just sounds cooler and more intellectual, doesn’t it? And yes, when he used it several years ago, I had to look it up.) Did I mention he’s one of the smartest people with which I have ever worked?

Of course, I certainly haven’t reached the level of “magnanimous manager” as this gentleman, but I am striving for it every day. All of this reflection about my former bosses has me thinking about what really makes a magnanimous manager. What really takes someone from being “just a boss” to a true manager who is generous and forgiving, or even more, what makes someone a magnanimous leader? What do those type of managers do that others don’t? How did the magnanimous manager in my life make such an impact on me and so many others around him? How has he been so successful in his career, but also contributed to the success of so many others, as well as the organization’s?

I’m sure he’s got a secret sauce to his leadership style, but I noticed several qualities during my decade or so working with him. I’ve shared them below so we can help spread the magnanimous manager movement:

• They praise in public and discipline in private: It’s a parenting mantra I read in some child-rearing books when my oldest son was little, but it also applies here. If scolding is needed, a magnanimous manager will do so behind closed doors, not in the weekly team meeting in front of your colleagues. Praise for a job well done, however, is handled in front of the group. That can be either in person at the team meeting, or even via email. Either way, the praise is made in front of others. That action tells you and everyone else that he/she has taken notice.

• Their praise is genuine: It’s not enough to simply tell someone they’ve done a good job. The praise must be genuine. The magnanimous manager doles out sincere praise at the appropriate time and at the appropriate pace. Meaning, he/she doesn’t send an e-mail of praise every time you do your job. Sure, they take notice, but they know the praise really counts the most when it is genuine and it is for something you worked your ass off to accomplish. They notice when you’ve gone “above and beyond” your regular job, and they also know that the appropriate praise at the right time fosters your loyalty.

• They lift up those below them:  This one seems so obvious, but not all bosses help their team members succeed. This notion seems counterproductive to me, but I’ve worked for a few bosses who just didn’t seem to be interested in it. I’m not sure if the reasoning behind it was because they were somehow threatened by the success of others or if they just had no interest in helping those beneath them, but trust me, it was a miserable journey. To say it is debilitating and discouraging to everyone is a severe understatement. And it can have devastating results that lead to a toxic workplace culture. But when a magnanimous manager lifts up those beneath him/her, the entire team can conquer anything.

•  When others go low, they go high: Yep, I stole that one from Michele Obama, but it is a beautiful sentiment and one that a real leader must do. It’s easy to get sucked in and join the trash talk, but a magnanimous manager doesn’t get sucked into that. They know that words can be damaging and long-lasting, so while someone may be trash talking their way through a lunch or post-meeting, the magnanimous manager listens and lets the person vent, all the while staying above the trash talk.

• They are generous: Generosity can take many forms, but in this case, I’m talking about the words a manager uses with his/her employees. One of my former bosses (other than the one I mentioned above) used to talk about generous language and how it can impact a person. She practiced generous language on a regular basis, preached it to her team and she was definitely right about it. As a communications professional, I’m very aware that words matters and frankly, they can last a long time. So a magnanimous manager is careful with their words and is generous with the feedback, particularly the feedback that can be tough to give. A magnanimous manager can give you the toughest feedback you have ever gotten in your career, but somehow when it is all said and done, you come out feeling better about the situation than when you went in. Words are powerful and generous feedback can be life-changing. I know it was in my experience.

•  But they know when NOT to be generous: Simply, they believe in tough love. And sometimes that means not using generous language when giving feedback. As my dad used to say, sometimes you just need a good, swift kick in the rear to get you moving. And that’s exactly what a magnanimous manager does. They know the balance of generous language, and a good (figurative) swift kick in the you-know-what. And they are honest, even when it hurts.

• They treat you as an equal: Sure, your boss makes more money than you (likely A LOT more) and probably has stock options, a bigger bonus, a company car and perks you’ve never even dreamed of, but a magnanimous manager doesn’t ever brag about those things. In fact, they may never even discuss them at all. They can talk to you about the most complex issues and also have a detailed conversation about the seemingly mundane. The particular manager I’m referencing used to talk to me about cutting his own grass on his John Deere tractor. Yep, you read that correctly. This man had a huge responsibility at work, aggressive goals to meet and myriad appointments, meetings and travel, yet still found time to mow his own lawn. He said it gave him time to himself to relax and think about nothing but moving in straight lines. Now, don’t get me wrong, he would talk about the other things in his life, including even some of the perks, but that was after we got to know each other pretty well and I asked. He never offered up that information.

• They tell you when it is time to move on: This is a tough one because bosses never want to lose great employees, but a magnanimous manager will tell you when it is time to move on and take a better opportunity, whether it is with your current company or not. It doesn’t necessarily mean they will share inside information with you, but they will look out for your best interest, even if that means it is at another company.

•  They are human: This one is really simple, but they act like a human being – and not a boss. They know your kids’ names (or at least that you have kids!) They ask you about your weekend. They engage in conversation about things that matter to you and your team – who won the game over the weekend, the brackets in the office Final Four Challenge, how your new puppy is doing or where you are going on your summer vacation. They are involved with their employees on a level than just project updates, budget maintenance and approvals. They know what’s going on and have an acute awareness when an employee needs that interaction. A magnanimous manager knows the right balance of human and boss can make all the difference in the world.

Of course, I have many more stories and anecdotes about my magnanimous manager (some of them involve wine, tapas, a rattlesnake, Starbucks chocolate chip scones and various other things) and I oftentimes wonder if he knows what an impact he had on me and my leadership style. He’s definitely been a role model for me and I will consider myself successful if I can be half the magnanimous manager he was and still is. So thanks for the guidance, friendship and leadership, magnanimous manager. It did not go unnoticed.

Ctrl + Alt + Delete

Ctrl + Alt + Delete. It's my favorite computer command. Anytime my computer freezes up, I finagle my fingers around the keyboard and punch those three keys. And voila! I get options...  I can log off, change my password or even, my personal favorite- "start task manager." It may not be the proper term, but I use this to reboot or reset my computer.  

After my last visit to the doctor, you will recall that I needed a reboot. A bit of a do-over. A reset.  After I had those ugly cries, I went to see the nutritionist. She was so helpful and really served as much of a psychologist as anything else. She gave me some great ideas as to a variety of things to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and we talked through expectations. (Truly, this was something of which I was in desperate need.)  She also gave me permission to relax and not be so hard on myself. I really think I needed that. From someone I considered a professional. It was a relief. 

The next day, I got my mind in high gear and I planned out my foods and prepped them. I took my snacks and lunches to the baseball games with me, and exercised like I had been doing. And I have kept it up. I just needed a reboot. 

I heard from so many friends and family members, some great words of encouragement, kinship and love. One of those came through Facebook, from someone with which I went to high school. She now lives in Ohio and I honestly can't even remember the last time I saw her in person, but I keep up with her on Facebook. She wrote me the nicest, most encouraging message that touched me deeply. She told me about a podcast she listens to called "Revelation Wellness"and it is grounded in Christianity and walks you through exercise with some scripture along the way. But more than that, she told me "Dawn, you are enough." Those four words hit me like a truck. She was right. I am enough. And I hated that I forgot that. I hated that my doctor's unkind truth and lack of bedside manner made me feel horrible about myself. I AM ENOUGH! Thanks, Rebecca, for reminding me. 

Those words have been in my head since I got that message from her. On Thursday, I decided to get on the scale. In addition to doing what I knew I needed to do, I had my mind right again. And I lost 3.5 pounds in a week! I am under no illusion that it is going to be easy. There are going to be bumps and detours, and maybe even some fender-benders on this road, but the beauty is, I can get right back on it. I can ctrl + alt + delete at any time. 

So it's time for my March photo, but first, indulge me in a little story. I've always admired runners. I am amazed as you effortlessly run down the sidewalk with your iPod, mostly looking like you're not even sweating. Or how you run 5ks in 15 seconds and then grab a beer at the finish line. How you post pics of you in an ice bath after a "long run."  Especially how you train for months and months and months and run a marathon. It's always been mesmerizing to me. I long to have a "runner's high" (for just about anything, honestly.) I've tried to run before, but it never seemed to catch on. 

Well, this Saturday, March 11, 2017 was a milestone for me. I went to the gym to get in a workout and I decided to see how long I could run on a treadmill without stopping. I set my mind to get to 1/2 mile. Once I got there -- and didn't die -- I decided to push it to see if I could run 3/4 of a mile. Once I got there -- and didn't die -- I decided to go for a mile. A WHOLE MILE! WITHOUT STOPPING!! And I did it!!!! And guess what!?!?!?! I didn't die!!! 

It felt great!!! I paused the treadmill and took a photo to send to Tom. And you know what, I realized I WAS enough. No matter how many pounds I have or haven't lost, I just ran a mile without stopping. Of course, it took me 16 minutes, but still. I was enough. And for now, a 16-minute mile was enough! 

So for March's progress photo, I'm showing you my post-workout self. Sweaty, but victorious! 

A Victory Photo
A 16-minute mile never felt so good! 

And it might be my favorite photo yet! I'm strong, confident and enough. Thanks for the encouraging words, Rebecca Walden, they have been in my head constantly and have meant so much to me.And you're right, it's not about how many pounds I've lost, or how fast my mile was, it's about me. About being healthier for my family and enjoying life with them. It's about me having more energy to see my kids do the things they love. About me hitting ctrl + alt + delete and resetting. But most importantly, it's about me being enough.