Friends, I hope you have anxiously awaited the Tiger Woods press conference breakdown. In Dawn Ray of Sunshine fashion, I will break it down for the non-PR folks so you will know what Tiger really meant.
Tiger sat in front of a Masters green backdrop looking very "golf like" in a striped Nike shirt (of course, gotta give props to the one sponsor who didn't drop him.) He began the press conference with a few statements before taking questions. I've gotta hand it to him, he answered nearly every question thrown his way (although, I think some of the questions could have been a little more critical of him and hard-hitting.)
“Coming into today, I didn't know what to expect with regards to the reception, and I tell you what, the galleries couldn't be nicer. I mean, it was just incredible. The encouragement that I got, it was just -- it blew me away to be honest with you, it really did. And the people here over the years, I know they are extremely respectful, but today was just something that really touched my heart pretty good.”
Translation: I was completely blown away – but a different “blown” away from the last few months if you get my drift. The fans have been great and cheered for me. I was really touched. And I haven’t been touched physically in a while. Oh wait, wrong “touched.”
“I know that the players over the past few months have been bombarded with questions by all of you and the public, as well, and I would like to tell all of the players, hopefully after today, after answering questions at this press conference, the players can be left alone to focus on the Masters and focus on their game, not only for this week, but going forward, as well. And certainly apologize to all of them for having to endure what they have had to endure the past few months.”
Translation: I have to apologize first. It’s what the PGA golfers expect. If I don’t, they won’t ever speak to me anymore. Who knew I would make their lives chaotic, too? I did. I have that much power.
“A lot has happened in my life over the past five months, and I'm here at the Masters to play and compete. And just really excited about doing that. I missed the competition. I missed seeing the guys out here. A lot of my friends, I haven't seen in a while. It was great to play golf again with Freddie and Jim, two of my best friends out here, and I played with Mark yesterday for nine holes and I'm playing with him again tomorrow, as well as Steve Stricker. So it's been just an incredible experience so far here at the Masters.”
Translation: I’m finally ready to face the media because I have to in order to play in the Masters. And my ego is big enough that I really think I can win this thing. I haven’t had sex since November, so I’ve got a lot of pent up frustration. I’m going to take it out on that little white ball on golf’s biggest stage. I missed the competition. I missed beating the hell out of these guys. I’m Tiger freaking Woods, for God’s sakes.
After his opening statement, he was asked some questions by reporters (supposedly there were no restrictions.) Here’s how he answered some of them.
Q. What's been the most difficult thing for you to deal with these past few months, and how have you dealt with it?
TIGER WOODS: Well, probably two things. I think one being -- having to look at myself in a light that I never wanted to look at myself; that was difficult. How far astray I got from my core fundamentals and the core morals that my mom and dad taught me; and having to break all that down, and as I said in the interview, with all of the denial and rationalization; to cut through that, I had to really take a hard look at myself. And that's what I started finding strength and peace.
And the other is the -- the other difficult part I think over the past few months has just been the constant harassment to my family. My wife and kids being photographed everywhere they go; being badgered, that's tough. That's tough on them, because it's really hard for us to heal and try and get through this as best we can.
Translation: The most difficult thing? It has to be a tie: first, having to give up my lifestyle and not sleeping with anymore skanky women. Ahh, that was the life. Man, I had it made. The other would be getting caught. I mean, seriously, I had the life. Money, women, sex, Ambien…a beautiful wife at home. Everyone in the world thinking I was a golf God; that I could do no wrong. Then those stupid skanks had to mess it all up.
I also hate that my wife and family have been harassed. Boy, nothing gets Elin crankier than having to fight paparazzi to go to take my daughter to school. At this rate, I will never get any from her again.
Q. What were you anticipating today to be like for you and how nervous are you sitting here?
TIGER WOODS: Sitting here, not that nervous, no. As far as getting out there, I was definitely more nervous. That first tee, I didn't know what to expect, I really didn't, Steve. It's one of those things where I've never been in this position before. To be out there in front of the people where I have done some things that are just horrible, and you know, for the fans to really want to see me play golf again, I mean, that felt great, that really did. Usually I kind of focus on placements of shots and getting ready, but today was a little bit different. I kind of took it in a little bit more, sort of more than I think I have in a long time, and it felt really good.
Translation: I’m not nervous at all. Not compared to that time when Elin found those text messages and voice mails from all my mistresses. Boy, that was nerve-wracking. I thought she might go all “Lorena Bobbitt” on me. Thank God she only hit me with a golf club.
Q. You said you felt entitled to what you were doing before, at the same time how were you able to rationalize that in your mind while it was going on?
TIGER WOODS: Well, that's part of the problem I had, is the way I was thinking was not correct. And as part of where I was at, I was rationalizing and denying and in total denial at times. Whatever I did, I lied to myself, I lied to others, and just because I said -- just because I was winning golf tournaments doesn't mean a thing. The way I was thinking caused so much harm with the people that I love and care about the most on this planet.
Q. Did you only realize that after it became public?
TIGER WOODS: After I started going to treatment, that's when they started stripping all of that away from you.
Translation: Yeah, I was entitled. I am Tiger Freakin' Woods. I can do whatever I want with no consequences. I didn’t care until it all became public. I rationalized it any way I wanted. As long as Elin didn’t know, I was on top of the world. And on top of A LOT of women.
Q. Will Elin and the kids be joining you this week at the Masters, and if not, is that a sign that she's not ready to support you yet and should you be making this return so soon to the game?
TIGER WOODS: Elin is not coming this week, no,
Translation: Are you crazy? She will hardly talk to me. She certainly won’t parade around on golf’s biggest stage, having the media follow her every move and having you guys analyze her every facial expression. Besides, she only talks to me when she has to. And, she’s holding out for a big ass diamond. Then maybe she will be with me at a tournament. Maybe. Of course, if she's with me, I can't get as many women, so you know, I'd rather her stay with the kids.
Q. Will you keep your time, your management team intact, and how much did they actually know about everything that was going on?
TIGER WOODS: Well, I certainly have everyone around me. I've lied and deceived a lot of people and a lot of people didn't know what I was doing, either. So I've had, again, a tremendous amount of support, as well, from others on the outside, and it's been a difficult time, but also I'm actually surprised how much support I've gotten, as well.
Translation: They knew everything. I pay them well. I even increased their pay so Elin wouldn’t find out.
Q. After what you've been through in the last five months, what do you think some of your thoughts are going to be on the Thursday on the tee, and how tough is it to come back from the ACL?
TIGER WOODS: That first tee, I'm looking forward to it. I haven't looked forward to that tee shot in a long time, not like this. It feels fun again. You know, that's something that's been missing. Have I been winning, have I been competing, have I been doing well? Yeah, I have. I've won numerous times the last few years but I wasn't having anywhere near the amount of fun. Why? Because look at what I was engaged in. When you live a life where you're lying all the time, life is not fun. And that's where I was. Now that's been stripped all away and here I am. And it feels fun again.
Translation: I’m ready for everyone to focus on my golfing talent and not my sexual relationships and addiction. I’m finally ready to have fun at golf. It’s all I have now. I can’t have fun with the skanks anymore. No woman will every sleep with me again. I’ll be lucky if Elin ever touches me again. As far as the ACL, all of this shit is much worse than that.
So there you have it, friends. Tiger speaks to the media, with no restrictions. He didn't do a bad job, but I bet he was coached so heavily by his PR folks. Hopefully this will be the last of the dreaded Tiger ticker.
Now, on to more important stuff, like the men's NCAA championship game and baseball season. We're due a break from Tiger, don't you think?
