The Right Sermon at the Right Time

This past Sunday, I went to church and heard a sermon that I needed to hear. Hope Church’s Senior Associate Pastor, Dr. Eli Morris, delivered the message entitled “My Favorite Track Meet.” You see, the sermon series is on “Faves” and Eli is a self-proclaimed track and field nut, so it was only fitting that he spent Sunday morning talking about this often-overlooked sport.

And whether you are religious or not, Christian or not, or a sports fan or not, the theme of the entire sermon is applicable to your life, I promise. Of course, Eli meant for the “track meet” to parallel your path with God and the journey of Christianity, but it spoke to me about my weight loss journey and transformation process. I took copious notes on the outline and even saved the outline to look back at later. I don't do that with sermon notes very often. 

I’ve been struggling a bit lately (again—no one said this was going to be easy) and I’ve been searching for the answers to a few challenges I’ve been having. I’m fighting for every pound lost right now, and sometimes, I feel the fight in me waning a bit. This sermon hit me square on the head and was exactly what I needed.

Here are a few key points he made and the ones that hit home for me. I think they are applicable to everyone and I hope they help you handle an issue you may be facing:  

• We step off the track because we get distracted by other things. Boy, do we! I have been distracted recently by lots of other things: stress at work, kids and their busy schedules, trying to figure out how to get everything done and the list goes on and on. It is endless. But it is always going to be that way. I just have to assess the situation, adjust and figure out how to get back on track.

• The cost of staying on track seems too great: Again, hit me like a hammer on my head. I sometimes get tired of meal prepping for just me. I prep for breakfast and lunch, and usually dinner. It takes time and it is a hassle. But it is something I have to do. So I just need to suck it up, take a few minutes and prep my meals. It is as simple as that.  

•  We get off the track because we settle: we settle for less because we say things like “well, it’s better than what it used to be.” I’ve been thinking this for a while when trying to determine what my final goal weight will be. I’m happy where I am not, but I want to lose a little more to get to my final goal weight. But I have to be honest, sometimes I’m just ready to be done. And I think “well, this weight is fine. It is better than what it used to be.” NO! I’m not going to settle just yet. It isn’t fine. I am better than fine.

• So why should we get back on track and push on? During this section, Eli talked a lot about character, stewardship and your legacy by doing the right thing. But honestly, the thing that stuck out to me most was that nothing compares to the right thing. NOTHING! Think about that for a second. It’s easy to do the wrong thing (and the “wrong thing” can be whatever applies to you—for me lately, it has been not taking the time to prep my meals or have the right foods in the house. I have just been lazy and get tired of doing it over and over again.) But it is the “right” thing for me to do and I just need to go it and get back on track.

His final thoughts were perhaps the most powerful for me. He addressed how to stay the course, when faced with adversity. This scripture just may be my new favorite. 

“Let us strip off anything that slows us down or holds us back, and especially those sins that wrap themselves so tightly around our feet and trip us up; and let us run with patience on the particular race that God has set before us.” Hebrews 12:1-2

Eli encouraged us to “discard the baggage” (strip off anything that slows us down) in order to stay on the course. In previous blogs, I’ve discussed some of the baggage I’ve discarded over the last year or so: the negative relationships I’ve had in my life (including that very negative relationship I had with food,) bad habits that I have formed for 40 years, the laziness that led to lack of exercise, just to name a few. But that verse tells us to strip off anything that slows us down or holds us back. ANYTHING! Bad habits, actions you shouldn’t be doing, negative people- anything.  

He also talks about taking little steps to stay the course. He referred to some days as “Quick Sand Days,” meaning the only way to survive those days, as you do with quick sand, is to take little steps to get out of it. It is a perfect way to describe some days. Now I have a perfect description for days when I feel like I’m drowning- quicksand days! And now I know that the only way to get out of them is to take little steps.

Lastly, Eli talked about Envisioning the Finish. And lately, I’ve had trouble envisioning the finish and seeing the finish line. As I mentioned previously, I’m now fighting for every pound lost and that is a challenge in and of itself. But it is the little things I have noticed recently that have helped me envision the finish:

•         I went to a water park (twice! and climbed stairs to the top of the tallest water slides and didn’t die (or even get out of breath!)
•         I’m walking a lot (by myself and with a few girlfriends from time to time) and walking pretty fast. And I didn’t die! In fact, when I don't walk, I don't feel as good. 
•          I have some clothes that aren’t that old that are too big. (uh, that's NEVER happened until this journey.) 
•         I’m finally below my pre-pregnancy weight (from nearly 13 years ago!)

That last one about being below my pre-pregnancy weight is HUGE for me. Seriously, my baby will be 12 this week and I’m finally below that weight. I haven’t been below that weight in nearly 13 years!!!!!! That’s what I call a success, even if I haven't reach my goal as quickly as I wanted to. I'm still taking little steps toward achieving it. 

If you want to listen to Eli's sermon in it's entirety, I high recommend it. It can be found here: https://www.hopepres.com/media#!/swx/pp/media_archives/206115/episode/69074. 

One final thought on envisioning the finish: Here is my August photo and progress report.

August 6, 2017
Down 93 pounds! 

To date, I’ve lost 93 pounds. I’m coming up on my one-year anniversary of surgery August 23, and I’m both excited and a bit sad. Excited because I know how far I’ve come, but a bit sad because I really wanted to reach 100 pounds by my birthday. When I didn’t, I began to really get down about it and to be honest, I felt a little bit like a failure. But after a bit of wallowing in my own self-pity, I picked myself up and began again. I’ve set a new goal of losing a total of 115 pounds total, so I have 22 more pounds to go. Since I’m fighting for every pound now, my goal is to get that final 22 pounds off by Christmas of this year. It’s going to take a lot of work and perseverance, but I can do it… one little step and quicksand day at a time. 

I. AM. ENOUGH. (or am I?)

I am a failure. It’s not certain that I have failed, but I am nearly 100 percent sure that I have failed. On one hand, I feel ashamed. Embarrassed. Humiliated. Ridiculous. I feel like an impostor. The number on the scale looks back at me and taunts me, but the last few weeks, I feel like it’s been laughing at me. Reminding me that I am in impostor. 

On the other hand, I’m reminding myself of how far I have come. And I don’t mean just the weight I’ve lost and the number of pounds that have gone. My habits have changed; I’ve made exercise an integral part of my life (finally!) and realized that I don’t live to eat anymore, but I eat to live. I’ve gotten rid of some of the negativity in my life, including negative people, a negative job situation, and I might have even learned to love myself again (or for the first time.)

But the one question keeps nagging at me, is it enough? I want to believe it to be true, that I AM Enough. It’s become my mantra since a friend from high school reminded me so encouragingly and eloquently in March that I am enough and more than a number on a scale. It was solidified as my mantra when another friend sent me a bracelet with those very words inscribed after she had read my blog about it. It serves as a happy reminder that I am enough. But still, I doubt. Still, I feel like an impostor.

Losing weight has been an extremely emotional journey for me; perhaps more emotional than I ever gave it credit for. I’ve been spending months trying to put my finger on it, and this week I finally landed on how exactly I felt- like an IMPOSTOR. To be honest, I’ve always felt this way. I can remember as a child when I got praise for something or – mainly for good grades – or achieved an academic success, that someone was going to figure me out and uncover me as the fraud I really was. I’ve felt this way literally all of my life, and I think it’s a big reason why I’ve never been able to keep the weight off despite having lost weight several times before. Even now when I open my eyes in the morning I have this fear that I’ve put the weight back on and I won’t have any clothes that fit.

In a way, the weight I carried has masked my insecurity. And in turn, I was highly insecure about the extra weight I was carrying. That’s quite the vicious cycle! But as I near 41 years old, I wonder if that mask was the real me? Maybe the real me is fat? 

I also realize now that I’ve felt this way my entire life. I’ve never quite been able to put my finger on it, but I’ve never felt like I was enough, no matter how good I was at something or how good my grades were, or how much I was praised for it. I just keep thinking “someone’s gonna figure me out.”

A few years ago, like every woman in America it seems, I read Sheryl Sandberg’s pro-female, career gospel about empowering women to achieve, Lean In. I was hooked. It was there that I first read about Impostor syndrome. Impostor syndrome, also known as impostorism or the impostor phenomenon, is like self-doubt, but on steroids. It’s more than insecurity about yourself or your abilities. According to Harvard Business School Professor Amy Cuddy, it is a paralyzing fear that we don’t belong and that we’ve fooled people into thinking that we are much more talented than we actually are. Another facet is realizing others AREN’T impostors, and that they actually deserve to be in a successful situation, oftentimes over you.

Yes! Yes! All of this.Yes!! I had never mentioned this feeling to anyone, but I felt this way all of the time. About everything. And, I’d never heard anyone else talk about it. It was like one of my biggest secrets. I kept living in fear that I would be figured out. And I still do to this day.

But now, my feelings of impostorism are about being fat. Now, I am not skinny by any means, but I feel like any day I’m going to be “outed” as a fat person and wake up that way again. (I mean seriously, I wake up in the morning and one of the first things I do is feel my stomach.) I still feel like an impostor, just a skinnier one. Fat covers up so much other stuff, stuff I didn’t even realize I was feeling.

Now, back to the weight loss journey – I’ve had a huge realization! I’ve realized I’ve been afraid to be skinny for years. I know that may sound crazy, but I got comfortable being the funny, fat girl in the room. Yep, Rebel Wilson and Melissa McCarthy, if I too had been discovered, I would have killed it in Bridesmaids and Pitch Perfect.) I learned to hide as a fat girl, which is very ironic, because you are so physically visible to people, but so often overlooked. You can pretty much be invisible if you want to me. And a lot of times, contrary to my extroverted personality, I wanted to be. Frankly, I figured out a long time ago it was easier to be the fat funny girl, than to be the fit, in-shape skinny girl. People just expected less of you. They expected you to make them laugh and you would always be there for them (because where else were fat girls gonna be on Friday nights?)

I feel like I’m rambling a bit, but lately I’ve been trying to process the emotions I’ve had on this journey. And I have this nagging feeling that I am not enough. And that I never have been enough. And that I’m a failure. Even when I sometimes have a false sense of feeling enough, I feel semi-confident and then I’m knocked back down to the impostor that I am.

A couple of weeks ago I had a realization that led to a minor meltdown with Tom. Again, it was my impostorism creeping in. (Bless his heart, he gets to hear all of these, and he always knows exactly what to say.) One morning it occurred to me that I was going to fail. I wasn’t going to make my #100byJune24 goal. And I felt like I was going to throw up and have my heart stop beating all at the same time. How could I possibly fail at this? I was so focused! Hell, I’ve been blogging about it and even created a damn hashtag. But obviously, I wasn’t focused enough. I began to feel ridiculous, and maybe even start to ugly cry. Then Tom looked at me, put his arms around me and simply said, “so, you’ll just revise your goal. It’s just a number, Dawn. You need to focus on how far you’ve come… you’ve set this goal for yourself, no one else did. So you can revise It. You’ve lost 86 pounds, you look amazing, you look fit and are healthy. Who cares if you reach 100 pounds by an arbitrary date?”

Wow. Just wow. For a man who sometimes doesn’t say a lot, he said so much. He was right. And I wanted to believe him. I tried to believe him. But still, not making this goal makes me feel like a failure. Like an impostor. Not Enough.

I am very aware how ridiculous this all sounds. And like my other posts, I don't want your pity or for you to feel sorry for me in any way. I also know it doesn’t make much sense to most of you. I’ve revised my goal to #90byJune24, but it doesn’t have the same ring to it. It’s like 3^rd place or worse- a participation trophy or ribbon. And dammit, I wanted 1^st place. I wanted 100 pounds.

I know I will get there eventually and then I can make another goal. I’m still very much a work in progress. I’m reading up more on impostor syndrome and some tips to overcome the debilitating feeling of being a fraud. (I like these tips a lot https://startupbros.com/21-ways-overcome-impostor-syndrome/ ) 

But for now, I keep taking it one day at a time, and sometimes, just one hour at a time. I have made a vow to not get on a scale until June 24, and I hope it says I’ve lost at least 90 pounds. I also hope I don’t cry because it doesn’t say 100 pounds. But I owe a June picture (somehow May slipped by and we didn't get one), so here is one of me wearing my weekend baseball mom attire. Yep, those are those shorts I so desperately wanted to wear, and I look at them everywhere. I am a little obsessed with them right now. They are so comfortable.

June 10, 2017
Approximately 9 1/2 months post-surgery 

 I also wear my bracelet everyday (thanks Lynn Cooper!) It has been a nice reminder for me, especially when I think that someone is going to come in and "out" me as not being qualified for my job, not being as smart as they think I have been, or frankly, as being a fat girl, I look down and desperately try to remember that I am more than just a number on a scale. I try to remember that I. AM. ENOUGH. 

The Post I've Been Waiting For

It's spring in the Mid-South and that means a couple of things are for certain while the weather is warming up to the  "seven layers of hell" hot we in Memphis call summer: 

• There is yellow pollen everywhere. Yes everywhere. Cars, parking lots, EVERY WHERE. And we sneeze and have itchy eyes. A LOT. (It's also funny when people that don't live here come and visit and ask "what is this yellow stuff that coats everything?" hahah) 
• Flip flops (and pedicures) are a MUST. No one loves flip flops more than me, but please do me a favor. Ladies, if you are going to show us your toes, please ensure they are pedicured and painted. 
• The Ray family is always at the baseball field. ALWAYS. If you need us, that's where we are. If you invite us somewhere, chances are we can't, because our boys play baseball. (And yes, we enjoy it!! A LOT!) 
• People will start wearing skimpy summer clothes before it is actually time to wear them. (Y'all know it is true.) 
• I can finally wear those shorts! 

Yes, the post that started it all helped me tell the world I was going on a weight-loss journey -- the Nike running shorts. I finally bought a pair, well, three actually!  And I must say, I love them! I've worn them around the house and while walking. Can't wait to wear them to the ball field this weekend. 

Now, a word about those shorts: they. are. short. (at least they are for me.) I haven't really worn shorts in a long time, and when I did, they were a tad longer than these- thank God Bermuda shorts were in style. But i'm slowly getting use to them. 

I wanted to rush out and buy them a few weeks ago, but I gave myself a goal: I wouldn't purchase them until I lost 80 pounds. And I met that goal!!! So you better believe I hightailed it to Academy and bought myself some shorts. It was fun to go shopping there (we seem to go there so much, it is the Ray boys' favorite store) and actually find something to fit. Even Tom got into the act! 

Now, I still have a ways to go before I reach my goal (#100byJune24) but I'm on my way. I have had to hit Ctrl + Alt + Del (on a much smaller scale than a couple of months ago) once or twice, but as we tell our kids, that's the beauty of tomorrow. You get to start over. And some days it seems i start over every day, but that's okay. 

I feel like all of my entire support system was there with me when I made this big purchase. Every card, e-mail, text message, hug at the ball field or at the grocery store or at a school function has been so encouraging to me. So for that, I owe you, dear readers, my April progress photo (sorry it's so late, had a few things going on.) So here you go... shorts and all. 

Post run last week... in my SHORTS!! 

Just want to give a big shout-out to my tribe for making this happen. More to go in this journey, but i couldn't have done it without you! 

Ctrl + Alt + Delete

Ctrl + Alt + Delete. It's my favorite computer command. Anytime my computer freezes up, I finagle my fingers around the keyboard and punch those three keys. And voila! I get options...  I can log off, change my password or even, my personal favorite- "start task manager." It may not be the proper term, but I use this to reboot or reset my computer.  

After my last visit to the doctor, you will recall that I needed a reboot. A bit of a do-over. A reset.  After I had those ugly cries, I went to see the nutritionist. She was so helpful and really served as much of a psychologist as anything else. She gave me some great ideas as to a variety of things to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and we talked through expectations. (Truly, this was something of which I was in desperate need.)  She also gave me permission to relax and not be so hard on myself. I really think I needed that. From someone I considered a professional. It was a relief. 

The next day, I got my mind in high gear and I planned out my foods and prepped them. I took my snacks and lunches to the baseball games with me, and exercised like I had been doing. And I have kept it up. I just needed a reboot. 

I heard from so many friends and family members, some great words of encouragement, kinship and love. One of those came through Facebook, from someone with which I went to high school. She now lives in Ohio and I honestly can't even remember the last time I saw her in person, but I keep up with her on Facebook. She wrote me the nicest, most encouraging message that touched me deeply. She told me about a podcast she listens to called "Revelation Wellness"and it is grounded in Christianity and walks you through exercise with some scripture along the way. But more than that, she told me "Dawn, you are enough." Those four words hit me like a truck. She was right. I am enough. And I hated that I forgot that. I hated that my doctor's unkind truth and lack of bedside manner made me feel horrible about myself. I AM ENOUGH! Thanks, Rebecca, for reminding me. 

Those words have been in my head since I got that message from her. On Thursday, I decided to get on the scale. In addition to doing what I knew I needed to do, I had my mind right again. And I lost 3.5 pounds in a week! I am under no illusion that it is going to be easy. There are going to be bumps and detours, and maybe even some fender-benders on this road, but the beauty is, I can get right back on it. I can ctrl + alt + delete at any time. 

So it's time for my March photo, but first, indulge me in a little story. I've always admired runners. I am amazed as you effortlessly run down the sidewalk with your iPod, mostly looking like you're not even sweating. Or how you run 5ks in 15 seconds and then grab a beer at the finish line. How you post pics of you in an ice bath after a "long run."  Especially how you train for months and months and months and run a marathon. It's always been mesmerizing to me. I long to have a "runner's high" (for just about anything, honestly.) I've tried to run before, but it never seemed to catch on. 

Well, this Saturday, March 11, 2017 was a milestone for me. I went to the gym to get in a workout and I decided to see how long I could run on a treadmill without stopping. I set my mind to get to 1/2 mile. Once I got there -- and didn't die -- I decided to push it to see if I could run 3/4 of a mile. Once I got there -- and didn't die -- I decided to go for a mile. A WHOLE MILE! WITHOUT STOPPING!! And I did it!!!! And guess what!?!?!?! I didn't die!!! 

It felt great!!! I paused the treadmill and took a photo to send to Tom. And you know what, I realized I WAS enough. No matter how many pounds I have or haven't lost, I just ran a mile without stopping. Of course, it took me 16 minutes, but still. I was enough. And for now, a 16-minute mile was enough! 

So for March's progress photo, I'm showing you my post-workout self. Sweaty, but victorious! 

A Victory Photo
A 16-minute mile never felt so good! 

And it might be my favorite photo yet! I'm strong, confident and enough. Thanks for the encouraging words, Rebecca Walden, they have been in my head constantly and have meant so much to me.And you're right, it's not about how many pounds I've lost, or how fast my mile was, it's about me. About being healthier for my family and enjoying life with them. It's about me having more energy to see my kids do the things they love. About me hitting ctrl + alt + delete and resetting. But most importantly, it's about me being enough. 

Ugly Cries are the Worst (And I didn’t even watch the Notebook)

Everyone is entitled to a good cry now and again. We all have them. You know the one I’m talking about, too - the ugly cry. Where your eyes are puffy the rest of the day and your face is red and blotchy. The “I just watched ‘The Notebook’ ugly cry.” When I began to document this journey on my blog, I promised you the good, bad and the ugly. Well, I had an ugly cry today. Twice in fact. All before 9:30 am. and it lived up to its descriptor (Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams not included.) It. Was. Ugly.

(Depending on how you know me and how long you have known me, this news will either confirm what you know about me or shock you as I fall into one of two categories for people that know me- I cry all the time (as in when I was in elementary school) or I never cry (as in something happened to me in adulthood and I became a person who doesn’t even cry when most people cry. It’s weird.) But it is who I am and I have no in between, really.

First, let me just say, I’m not asking for your sympathy. Everyone cries, I understand that. Everyone has bad days, and in reality, the reason I ugly cried will sound ridiculous to some of you. Heck, it would normally sound ridiculous to me. You all have been amazing to me over this journey and your support has meant so much to me, and while I appreciate even the thought of your sympathy for my crying today, spare me. Your sympathy is not what I need right now.

Today I had my six-month post-gastric sleeve checkup, and never could I have ever imagined that losing weight would make me feel like a complete and utter failure. But I do. (Hence, the ugly cry.)

First of all, I will tell you that I had some anxiety about this doctor’s visit. I didn’t sleep well last night and I’ve been dreading this visit for a couple of weeks. Why, you ask? Well, I don’t get on the scale too often, but when I did over the last couple of months, I noticed my weight wasn’t going down the way it once was. I was stalled. So I tried to push that out of my mind—sometimes I can compartmentalize like a dude (sorry fellas), and I apparently did. I just buried it on down somewhere and chose not to deal with it. I knew the reasons why the weight wasn’t coming off like it had been, but I pushed them down deep into a place in my brain I don’t visit often. And I convinced myself that everything was fine. But it wasn’t.

So here goes… the reason for the ugly cry is that in three months, I have only lost four pounds. And that, according to my doctor, is a complete failure and I have done poorly. I have “reverted back to the same bad habits that got me here in the first place.” And as much as I hate to say it, he is right. (Ugh, that tasted like vinegar just typing it.) He’s right. That’s why I was compartmentalizing it. I knew I wasn’t doing things right. I knew I had lost focus. And I knew this doctor’s appointment would be the day of reckoning.

Now, before I ugly cry again, let me say that losing four pounds in 3 months is MUCH better than gaining any weight. (Well, not according to my doctor; he said it is the same as gaining and the four pounds doesn’t really count. But I can guarantee I would have cried a heck of a lot more had I gained some weight.) 

And after nearly 12 hours of processing this and feeling sorry for myself, I know that this is all going to be okay. I know that I will be okay. And I get it. I have lost a lot of weight—70 pounds!!!! If anyone would have told me that a year ago I would not have believed them. So what’s the problem??? Statistics show that the weight you lose from months 3-9 indicate how successful you will be going forward. So what about the first 3 months? According to the doctor, “it’s easy to lose weight the first 3 months because we cut out your stomach,” so going back after 3 months and having only lost 4 pounds in 3 months is a failure. And if I stay on this track, I will have failed at this surgery. But more importantly, I will have failed myself. So, while I was considering it a huge success that for the first time EVER in my life I didn’t gain weight from Thanksgiving until New Year’s, I actually failed. Miserably. And the sad part is, deep down, I knew it. I didn’t need my doctor to tell me that.

And sure, I have excuses. Always do. Excuses are what got me here in the first place. But instead of giving you excuses, dear friends, I will give you the reasons why I have let this happen. I’ve actually known them all along—remember, I buried them deep in my brain!) Today, I was forced to confront them. And I confronted them with an ugly cry.

So, let me outline the reasons (not excuses) for this “poor performance”:

•  I got lazy with the food prep: this gets me every time. We’ve got people going all over the place in our house – sports, school, work, sometimes travel for work and I’ve been focusing on making exercise a part of my regular life and some days I feel lucky just have gotten dressed and out the door on time. So yep, I got lazy with the food prep. And I grabbed what was in the fridge. And I didn’t always grab the right thing. And chips. So… chips.

•  I totally forgot I had a nutritionist at my disposal… How could I have forgotten this? That’s what she is there for. DUH!!! I was struggling with the right things to eat and a nutritionist was there for me the whole time.  As I have reflected on this, I know exactly why I forgot about the nutritionist. It’s because I associate everyone and everything in that office with the doctor- and I want to see him as little as possible. So I put the nutritionist out of my mind. Also, I thought I could do this myself. “Hahhahaha! Yet again, Dawn, you can’t do it by yourself, you silly fool!” And to answer your question, yes, I’m going to see the nutritionist. 

• I found the candy bucket: “My stomach is small, so a little small piece of candy won’t do any harm, will it?” Yes, Dawn, yes it will. (Of course, one little piece of candy every once in a while doesn’t hurt anything. But it adds up. And I’m proof.) Result? I have given up candy for lent. ☺

• I convinced myself that what I was doing was enough: “You are exercising, so you can have a couple of French fries or a cookie at night. Or a small piece of cake. The exercise will take care of it.” No, it won’t. If I eat that way, I will NOT lose weight. PERIOD.

• I convinced myself that exercising was going to take care of it: One bright note in all of this is my exercise habit. I will say that I am very proud of my exercise regime. I am exercising 4 days a week (usually 5) and I don’t hate it. But exercising isn’t enough. And I know that. It seems I was so focused on patting myself on the back for exercising that I lost focus on the other stuff- like making good food choices. And … chips.

• I didn’t make smart food choices:  see candy bucket, chip consumption and cake confession above.

• I had no goal:  for me, I think this might have been the biggest one. I need a goal to work toward. Since surgery, my doctor hasn’t given me a goal. He’s said vague things like “everyone loses at different rates, so you might lose anywhere from 70-80 percent of your excess body weight within a year.” I thought I was doing so well the first 3 months that I would just keep on going and would eventually get to a goal. But I needed a tangible GOAL in MEASURABLE terms. I don’t deal with “excess body weight percentages” or even BMI. I deal with and understand pounds!! And that’s what I have needed.

I’ve been playing with a goal in my mind for a while and now I’m committing to it the way we do it in 2017, with a hashtag… #100byJune24 – that’s 16 weeks and 2 days from today – 114 days. I picked June 24 because it is my birthday and a date I can work toward. And hashtags are the new language we all talk in and seem to keep you accountable. 114 days?? I’ve got this.

And this last reason is a tough pill to swallow, but the truth always is…

·        Hubris (simply put, I got cocky): here I am, losing so much weight, so quickly. Looking good. Got some new clothes (I just bought a large shirt y’all, a LARGE!!!) 😃 Getting so many compliments, and I got cocky. “Sure, I can have a glass of wine. Just one won’t hurt.” WRONG! (insert your favorite Donald Trump WRONG meme here.) I gave myself permission that I could, but that certainly didn’t mean that I should.

Now pride is a good thing. But hubris is a dangerous thing. Ultimately, it’s what killed Walter White on Breaking Bad. (If you are a regular reader of my blog, you know I consider that to be one of the best shows ever made.) Sure turning into a drug kingpin didn’t do him much good, but his hubris – his overwhelmingly excessive pride and self-confidence that he wouldn’t get caught -- is ultimately what killed him. He had more than enough money to ensure his family was taken care of, but his pride at making the best meth and taking control of the entire meth ring was what ultimately led to his death. Come to think of it, it was a major character flaw for Don Draper on Mad Men also. (well that, alcohol and being a sexist womanizer.)  Damn! Did I not learn anything from Walter White and Don Draper??!?!?!?!

Of course I realize these examples are a bit dramatic, but are an example of how excessive pride can impact you to the point of no return. That, and I always seem to find flawed male TV characters oddly relatable.)

So that’s it. That’s why I ugly cried. (Truthfully, I still may again one more time today.) And ’m not mad at my doctor- well, I still kind of am because he is a complete a$$hole, but I’m really mad at myself more than anything. But I guess I had to learn the hard way—seems that is always the case, huh?

But after today I will move on. I will hit the reset button. My husband reminded me in all of this blubbering ugly crying that every journey is filled with bumps, detours and sometimes even crashes along the way. And that’s what this is, just a bump and a slight detour. It’s definitely not a crash.

And as we always tell our kids when they have a bad day—the best thing about tomorrows is that you can start over. You can hit the reset button. So that’s what I’m going to do. Because I can. In the end, Walter White couldn't do that. 

I'm Suffering from Coccydynia (Literal Translation: A Pain in the A$$)

Today, I'm personally confirming what most of you (past and present friends, relatives and co-workers) and certainly my husband,  know about me: I can be a pain in the A$$. And this time, I mean I literally have a pain in my bum. And by bum, I mean tail bone. (Can honestly say, I've never had that problem before.)

Apparently for folks that lose a good bit of weight quickly, it is very common to suffer from coccydynia, or tailbone pain. As funny as it seems, you actually are losing the padding in your rear that protects your tailbone (coccyx) and that can cause it to get irritated from sitting too long or other strenuous things. There are a few remedies I've been able to find online:  I'm sitting on a donut pillow at work (yep, like the geriatric that I am) and I'm taking some Tylenol for the pain. My doctor has prescribed me an anti-inflammatory for that and my bursitis (again, I'm a geriatric) and I'm hoping that helps. I'm also doing some yoga stretches to focus on that area.

I'm not really complaining about it, but it does hurt. I try to get up and move around a lot, but my job requires me to sit at the computer a lot. Also, in case you haven't noticed, I tend to do a lot of sitting at my kids' sporting events- though I do try to get up and move around to keep from sitting still too long.

Anyone else out there had this problem before? Any remedies I may be missing? It hurts more some days than others (and I can't quite figure out the pattern to it just yet.) I'm open to anything; you literally would be saving my butt! (haha corny, I know, but what did you expect?)

January 1st Update (Two weeks late): #redcarpetready

Forgive me, friends, for not posting my update on the first of the month as planned. It's been a little crazy this month with the holidays, and I got a nasty cold that had me down for a few days. And what a nasty cold it was! Honestly, I can't remember the last time a cold had me in the bed, but this one kicked my butt! 

Just like everyone, we had a very busy holiday season and really enjoyed some great family time together. I woke up New Year's Eve with a cold and it took me more than a week to get over it. But I'm better now and back on my workout schedule, so I wanted to do my update picture and monthly progress. (It helps keep me on track.) 

January 10, 2017
140 days post surgery 

Here I am 140 days post surgery (roughly four months.) As of January 10, I have lost a total of 72.3 pounds (57.3 pounds since surgery day.) That is more pounds than Zane weighs!! I have so much more energy and I have such a different outlook on life, to be quite honest. I mean, I'm the same person -- bossy, still require a lot of sleep, still fall asleep if I sit still long enough, blah blah blah -- but I feel much better. I can hang with my kiddos a bit more and I'm getting much more used to the portion sizes and how much I can eat without feeling awful. I don't get it right every time, but man when I get it right, I feel so much better. I know it is just re-training myself how to eat, and I'm getting there. 

But get this, y'all!!! I shopped from the regular women's section!!!! (Oh yes, cue the applause and music.) I have a few pieces of clothing that I can wear, but it was getting about time to replace a main staple in my "uniform" -- black pants. So yesterday I ventured out to Marshall's before a busy day of basketball games and I bought two pair of black pants. From the regular women's section. SHUT. UP. Not the plus size section. THE REGULAR WOMEN'S SECTION. I haven't done that in years. In fact, the workout clothing I have been buying the last couple of months has been from the regular women's section. (Seems my new lifestyle has me buying more workout and "athleisure" wear than work clothing- at least right now.)  As my friend Toni would say, it was a red-letter day on the calendar! It's the little things that I get excited about. (They seem little, but they aren't to me.) Such as, not having as much trouble crossing my legs. Or -- this one makes me laugh out loud -- finally being able to do the Reese Witherspoon red carpet pose (you know the one, one foot tightly crossed over the other.) 

Don't get me wrong, NO ONE is going to mistake me for Reese Witherspoon any time soon -- or EVER -- but I've always noticed that red carpet pose and just couldn't do it. Well, now I can. So look at me. (Yes, I know I am oddly proud of this.) And let me be clear, I won't be going to any red carpets any time soon, or ever, but if there is one at the basketball gym or baseball field, I will definitely be ready with my Reese pose. 

Conflict 2016: The Year of Celebrity Death, the Weird Presidential Election and Transformation for Dawn Ray of Sunshine

I am conflicted. On the surface (and in the record books), 2016 has been a shitty year. The US had the worst Presidential candidates and election situation ever. (Seriously, it was a bit like watching Jerry Springer on a worldwide scale.)  We've lost some of the best and brightest at their craft in Hollywood, Sports, Music and Literature: Prince, Muhammad Ali, Craig Sager, Carrie Fisher, Debbie Reynolds, George Michael, Glenn Frey, Alan Rickman, Harper Lee, Joey Feek, Nancy Reagan, Merle Haggard, Gordie Howe, Anton Yelchin, Pat Summitt, Garry Marshall, Garry Shandling, Steven Hill (Adam Schiff on Law & Order), Gene Wilder, Jose Fernandez, Arnold Palmer, Gwen Ifill, Florence Henderson, John Glenn, Alan Thicke, I know the list goes on...

By all accounts, it's been shitty. And it seems if we are able to make it through the next 2 days of 2016 without any more deaths, we will be lucky. (The dark humor side of me wishes I had been in a version of Howard Stern's "Celebrity Death Pool" because I could have made some serious coin.) Okay, I don't mean to make light of it, but if we don't laugh about it, we will cry ourselves into 2017. 

But for me, 2016 has been life-changing. And frankly, life-saving. And not just physically. Sure, I made a huge decision to have gastric sleeve surgery. I've lost about 70 pounds and I'm exercising on a regular basis. I've completely changed my outlook on food and finally come to grips with why I eat as well as what I eat. (It is still sometimes a struggle, but I am very aware of these things now, whereas I couldn't say that before.) But as much work as I've put in on the physical me, I've put in as much work on the spiritual and emotional me. It's the me you can't see upon first glance, but trust me, she's in there and she's very different now. Early in the year, I decided to rid myself of some toxic things in my life. Everything from negative self-talk to negative and toxic relationships in my personal and professional life to impostor syndrome. (I still suffer from that and that's another blog post for another time, but I'm working on that.) 

In January, I really began working on ME. Even though Tom has been telling me for years that I needed to take care of myself, it finally started to sink in. Y'all know I'm hard headed and it took a while for that to sink in!! So I started the journey of self-discovery and frankly, I didn't like what I discovered. So I set out to change it. I started the gastric sleeve journey (a LONG journey to surgery) and then I began examining every aspect of my life. I didn't go and broadcast this work to anyone, not even to Tom. But I needed to find ME again. So I began to listen to my conversations and daily interactions with people -- and not just listen to wait for my turn to talk, but really listen to understand and learn. I wanted to know how people viewed me, and that included my own family, especially Tom and my kids.  I stumbled a lot, heck, I even cried some. It wasn't always pretty, but it was enlightening. There were some things that were said to me (either blatantly or in passing) or things I read that had a profound impact on me. They have stuck with me, and probably always will. Here are a few to note: 

"WOW! What a great laugh you've got. I've never heard you laugh like that before!" This one seems innocent enough and was just an observation from one of the baseball dads from Tripp's baseball team while we were all at the beach together, but it was like taking a punch in the gut. (And I'm so grateful he said it.)  I love to laugh. I live to laugh. It's who I am. I love to make people laugh. I love to make my kids laugh. Laughter is the best part of life. People used to tell me all the time what a great (loud, obnoxious) laugh I had and how it was infectious. I hadn't heard that in years. So when he said it, it hit me in the face, hard. I realized I hadn't heard that in years. And frankly, I hadn't laughed like that in years. It caused me to ask Tom about it. And he agreed. He said I don't laugh like I used to anymore. And he was right. I didn't. I vowed then to find my laugh again. (So thanks, Collins Day. You are appreciated.) 

"You can't be a man. Be a woman. It's powerful business when done correctly." This is a quote from Mad Men. Several quotes from Mad Men appear on this list. I watched the show in it's entirety at the beginning of 2016 and it had a profound impact on me in both a personal and professional sense. (Truly, it's in my top 3 shows I consider to be the best shows ever made outside of Seinfeld: Mad Men, The Shield and Breaking Bad.) . The quote is from Bobbie Barrett, who was the wife/manager of the obnoxious comedian Jimmy Barrett, who did the VO work for the Utz Potato Chip account at Sterling Cooper. She was talking to Peggy Olson. Peggy was a young, naive sort at the agency, and one with whom I identified with greatly. She began as a secretary, answering phones, but showed a penchant for copywriting and worked her way into one of the most valuable employees at Sterling Cooper. (She also had the most bad ass scene I've pretty much ever seen in a TV show...) 

Everything about this scene is bad ass. Peggy's growth as an advertising executive AND as a woman is summed up in this 25 seconds. Her cigarette, her sunglasses, and her NSFW Japanese porn painting epitomize the swagger she carries as she walks into her new role at McCann Erickson. This scene, and the growth of the Peggy character, influenced my life this year in so many ways. Bobbie is telling Peggy that she doesn't have to be like a man to get noticed at her job. She needs to understand men and how they think and operate, but she has an immense power as a women and she should use it. WOW. Very heavy and very true. I've tapped into my inner Peggy Olson many times this year, and intend to keep doing it. 

"Etre bien dans sa peau," (French for "to be well in my skin"): I am not even sure where I saw this (likely Facebook where all wisdom can be found these days :)) but it stuck with me. I was extremely uncomfortable in my own skin and I have been for years. This little French phrase has taught me to just be comfortable with who I am, and not worry about who I'm not. I haven't perfected that yet, but I'm working on it. 

"I'm calling to let you know you've been approved for gastric sleeve surgery." That little sentence changed my life. It was a huge leap on a journey full of liquids, baby foods and purees for a few months, but a leap for which I am so very grateful. 

"I'd love to offer you this job and have you be a part of our team." Such a great phone call to receive (and it was so perfectly timed!) In November, I joined the team at EdR. It's a great chance for me to lead their communications and marketing efforts and be a part of a company that is redefining collegiate housing. 

"We need you to write us a check for $3,000": I won't get into the details that are behind this comment, but it speaks to the incompetence some people (and companies) possess. And it was a defining moment for me. Thanks to the urging of my supportive husband, I refused to just "write the check" and demand documentation for other's mistakes. He reminded me that I'm not here to clean up the mistakes due to other's incompetence. Also, it was a reminder that I am a decent, honest person. (That's always a good reminder!) #notmyproblem


"People tell you who they are, but we ignore it because we want them to be who we want them to be." Mind. Blown. Right?!??! Why did it take a fictional male chauvinist character on a TV Show to get me to understand this? People show their true colors to you all the time. We just choose whether to see them or not. And damn, some folks have really showed me their true colors this year. A few showed me how truly selfish they really are and how they were only out for themselves. They showed me their arrogance and their blatant disregard for other people's feelings (including mine.) Of course, not all people are like this, but some really showed their true colors to me this year. Or better yet, I finally began to see them. 

"If you don't like what's being said, change the conversation." Sure, it's been said before by others, but it stuck with me when Don Draper said it on Mad Men. We are in charge of our destiny and how others view us. We are ultimately in charge of that conversation and changing that conversation if we don't like it. This year, I've worked hard at both. And I think I've changed the conversation on many fronts. 

"Sometimes things just don't work out." This is one I actually said to someone, and it was a defining moment for me. Nearly two years ago, I took a leap of faith and took a new job. I stepped out of my comfort zone at Hilton and went into healthcare. And you know what? It didn't quite work out as planned. And that's okay. Not everything works out all the time, no matter how much we want it to. (Took me until I was 40 to figure that out.) 

Now I know this list looks like a lot of self-empowering quotes that make me look like I have all my shit together. HAHHAHAHAHA!! Far from the truth. I have stumbled quite a bit this year and I most certainly will in 2017 and beyond. And I'm still my worry-wart self: I worry about my youngest child and how he fits in socially; I worry about his attention span and his maturity level even though he is wicked smart; I worry about the fact that he shows no interest in riding a bike for himself and question whether we should have held him back a grade earlier on because most of the kids in his grade are nearly a year older than he is; I worry about the fact that we just put $5,000 worth of  braces in my oldest son's mouth; I worry about how we are going to get both boys to practices and get school and studying done and how we can do all of that while working and not going insane. I worry about what we are going to eat for dinner and what three bites or so I'm going to have for dinner; I worry about when I'm going to go to the gym; I worry if I'm a good wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend. I worry about the violence in Memphis and if we can overcome it; I worry about our great nation and how divided we all are and if we can survive the turbulent election and the upcoming inauguration. I worry. 

So on paper, 2016 was shitty. So much death. So much weirdness in the world. So much animosity and violence and not enough love. So in that regard, it was shitty. But it was also transformational. In 2017, I'm choosing to change the conversation. I'm choosing to channel my inner Don Draper and Peggy Olson and be who I am and make no apologies for it. I'm choosing to show my true colors and be sure to sniff out others' before I invest my precious time in them. In 2017, I'm continuing to choose ME (and Tom, Zane and Tripp and Mama Sue and others I hold dear.)  And I'm going to laugh. I'm going to laugh the real, infectious, loud and obnoxious Dawn Ray laugh. 

And if that bothers you, then too bad. Je suis bien dans ma peau. And that's #notmyproblem (nor it is Peggy Olson's.) 

New Month, New Update, New News

Happy November! It is the start of a new month, so that means it’s time for a new blog post (and picture.)

The last couple of weeks have been interesting learning how to eat again. As a food lover, I NEVER thought I would say I had to “learn” how to eat again, but I have. It’s weird, quite honestly. Some days it’s easier than others, but now, I just have to remind myself to plan ahead. So while preparing lunches and helping Tom prepare the kids for the day ahead (while also trying to juggle laundry that won’t end, figuring out who is getting whom to the next sports practice or game, and reviewing with the kids for the day’s tests--figuratively and literally), I also have to think about what I’m going to have for lunch. I am trying to always have something on hand to take with me so I don’t have to rely on a spur of the moment choice --which doesn’t always end well. (As a side note, I can’t really eat that much anymore, and I have found some delicious Lean Cuisine frozen meals—my favorite is the White Vermont Cheddar Mac and Cheese.) It’s just cheesy enough and hits the spot; of course, it takes me 30 minutes to eat the entire thing if I don’t give up!

Anyway, eating out has been interesting and everyone is always so nice and accommodating about it (which makes me a tad uncomfortable, but it is appreciated.) I have ventured to a few places, and some have been a strange experience for me. Sunday evening, I ventured out with Tom and Zane and we decided to go to Moe’s (cue the happy greeting when you walk in the door: Welcome to Moe’s!!!!!) I was excited about getting a taco salad (I haven’t been able to eat salad and I have missed it.) Well, I took about 4 bites and couldn’t eat anymore. In fact, I just felt sick. I think I may have eaten it too fast or something, but it wasn’t enjoyable at all. (And typically, I love a Moe’s Taco Salad with chicken.) I had about 3 chips before I ate the salad and I guess I filled up on those. Lesson learned, but I just hate spending money on food and not being able to take it home (kinda hard to take home a salad and eat it later.)

Halloween: So yesterday was Halloween and if you know me even remotely well, you know I’m not a big holiday person -- except for Thanksgiving -- I LOVE Thanksgiving. Well, having kids sometimes (okay, A LOT of times) requires that you do stuff you don’t particularly like (I’m takling to you, television shows like Teen Titans Go! and pretty much everything on Nickelodeon.) In my case, it is decorating for Halloween, dressing up and then going trick or treating. I didn’t like trick or treating when I was a kid. Not. At. All. But being a mom means I like to see my kids smile and be happy (and sacrifice dammit!) And my kids like it when I dress up for Halloween. (Even Tripp, though he may not say it, but he’s 11, so you know, he’s practically a teenager already.) This year, I decided to be a “Mombie” aka Mommy Zombie. (pretty much what I feel like when I wake up in the morning.) So, I put on a bath robe, donned some of Zane’s zombie makeup (he was a Zombie Football player) and ta da!!! Halloween. (for the record, Tripp is Domingo Ayala, a You Tube sensation among the athletic-type youth of today-- basically, he does You Tube videos about baseball, talks in a Dominican accent and the kids love him.)

 

One of Zane’s friends was having a little hayride and party, so I took him. And was suddenly transported to that scene in the original Bridget Jones’ Diary where she shows up to the party in full out Playboy bunny costume and only to be... you guessed it.. the only parent dressed up. (Now that I think about it, Zombie Playboy bunny would have been a great costume, but I digress.) Awkward….

Sigh… but at least my kid liked it and he was happy. A good time was had by all, and both kids got a bunch of candy. Speaking of candy, I only had one piece of Halloween candy. Yes, I’m proud of that. I’m wearing that like a badge of honor. (Please note, there is no shame in eating more than one piece of Halloween candy and that is how I have spent the previous 40 years on October 31.)

New adventure: About two years ago, I made a big decision in terms of my career. I decided to leave Hilton Worldwide after 12 years and venture into the world of healthcare communications and marketing. I've learned a lot, met some great people, but recently a new opportunity came my way and I’ve decided to take it. As of November 14, I will be joining Memphis-based EdR as the Vice President of Corporate Communications and Marketing. EdR is a fantastic company that is truly changing the college experience for the bright minds of today. They are one of the leading developers of collegiate housing throughout the U.S. and manage a lot of beds at these colleges. Trust me, these housing complexes don't look anything like they did when I went to school.  It’s an awesome opportunity for me to get back into the real estate development world (this work is VERY similar to what I did at Hilton) and I’m very excited about it. So, more BIG changes for me and my family. (Look at you, 2016, you’ve been an interesting year for me.)

And finally, an update: As of mid-July, I have lost 58.4 pounds. Since surgery on August 23, I have lost 43 pounds. I am truly astonished! But it’s not just about the pounds lost. I feel better. I sleep better. I have more energy. I think I’m even a more pleasant and giving person. (oh hell, who am I kidding?  I’m still cold and dead inside.) Seriously, I’m making exercise a priority and trying to get it in as much as possible. I know it is something I have to do. I’m trying to go to barre once a week and vary my exercise the other days.) And yes, barre class still hurts, but the “Barre-bies” are just so nice!

 

November 1, 2016

 

 

 

Please Allow Me Time for a Pity Party

I promised you sarcastic rays of sunshine, the good, the bad and the ugly about this surgery and the journey. And so far, it’s been mostly good. But, since I promised you the truth (with a little sass), here it is. I’m struggling right now. And I have been over the last few days. It’s been tough. It’s hard to articulate and put into words exactly why it has sucked over the last few days, but it has. I will try to explain. It’s time for me to have a pity party.

First, there is the planning. I’ve moved on to phase three of my post-op diet, and frankly, it’s been the most challenging. I would have honestly thought that only drinking broth in shot glasses and 5 ounces of protein shakes at a time would have been worse, but that was much easier. I could just grab my juice/water/Crystal Light/protein shake and go. And for a busy working mama, that was easy. (Well, It was also easy because I was off work and had time to prepare the foods and drinks.) Now, I have to take my little cooler wherever I go, with my yogurt/soft lunch meat/tuna/soft pasta/egg beaters, because Lord knows you can’t really go up to the concession stand at the baseball or football field and order any of that.

Second, it is the eating itself. I’m just figuring it all out. I have to eat slowly, and that is a challenge for me. If I eat too fast, it hurts. When it hurts, it doesn’t taste good. And the drinking, drinking is a pain in the ass. (And I’m not even talking about that I can’t have alcohol.) I’m talking about drinking water—wait, sipping. That’s what I have to do now. Doesn’t matter how hot and thirsty you are, you have to sip. Because if you don’t, you guessed it, it hurts. Guess I couldn’t even physically chug a beer even if I was able.

Lastly, eating is just plain tedious now. It isn’t enjoyable in the least, but something I have to do so I won’t get lightheaded and pass out. I know that the food I so much enjoyed eating made me completely miserable after I ate it, but it was good while I was eating it. There was a social aspect to it; I derived some satisfaction from it. Now, it is work. I have to concentrate on chewing each bite-- 10 times!. I have to set aside 30 minutes to eat a meal—who has 30 minutes to eat a meal?!?!?!?!?! I really would have thought I would be more satisfied eating actual food, but I’m not. Frankly, it is just tedious.

I hope I don’t sound ungrateful. I’m really not. And I’m not regretting having the surgery, but right now, I’m just venting and I needed to have a pity party for myself. And I also need to not hurt when I accidentally drink too much water.

Comfortable in My Own (Saggy) Skin

It’s been four weeks today since I had this life-changing surgery, so I wanted to do a quick update.

Total pounds lost:  29 since surgery August 23 (Holy crap) and 44 total since Mid-July.

Hunger Level: None (so weird) I do have to eat, though, because I will realize I am a bit light-headed and need something to eat. Don't need to pass out.

Food activity: I’m currently at the end of phase 2, which consists of protein shakes, pureed soups and pureed foods. On Thursday, I get to move to soft foods, non-pureed soups, and other yummy treats. That should make eating out with my family (which I haven’t done since surgery) a little easier.

Energy Level: getting better, but still not at 100%. I tend to feel pretty good in the am, but start dragging around 3 p.m. (so not much brilliance coming out of my brain at work around that time… or ever for that matter.)

Satisfaction level with surgery: VERY satisfied. It has really been a relatively smooth transition for me, considering the big changes that have been made. I do admit it is a daily struggle, mostly just due to the amount of preparation and planning while I am in this stage of the diet. Also, I have to schedule my exercise with work and the kids’ activities. But I’m getting it done. Nearly a month out, I am VERY glad I did this surgery.

Wardrobe plan: obviously, I am having some wardrobe challenges right now with the rapid weight loss – and I’m certainly not complaining! But good news! I held on to several sizes of black pants, tops and a few dresses, so I will have able to get back in to some of those and will soon. I’m trying not to buy too many pieces right now and make do with what I have in my closet. (Luckily, I have several sizes in my closet!) It’s a process that’s for sure. So if you see me in the same thing I wore last week, don’t judge.

Quirks: I’m learning how to eat again. I know that sounds weird, but what I mean is, I’m retraining my brain on eating too fast. I’ve always been a fast eater, and that just can’t happen anymore. When I do eat fast, I can tell. It feels like I may throw it up, but that’s not healthy. So I just have to retrain myself to slow down. It’s a weir sensation to look at your food container and see you’ve only eaten 4 small spoons full of pureed green beans and feel like you are about to lose it. But it is my new normal.

Being around others while they eat: for the most part, being around others during this time hasn’t bothered me too much. But yes, it has bothered me a bit. Not so much at home when I’m with my family, but being at a social event or gathering. I have only been to a restaurant one time and that was with Tom this past Saturday night. We went to Panera so I could enjoy some soup. Maybe not the best Saturday dinner for him, but at least we sat at a table and ate together. The weird thing is knowing what to do while you aren’t eating and everyone else is. Tom said it should be pretty obvious to do what I do best—TALK. (isn’t he funny?) I’m trying that and it is a little awkward, but I’m getting there.

Deep Thoughts: I’ve also been thinking a lot lately about how I got to this phase in my life where I let my weight and eating habits get away from me. Truly, I’ve always been pretty comfortable in my own skin and of course “have carried my weight well,” but I’ve been trying to pinpoint a few instances where it really bothered me and I said ENOUGH!  Two of my “fat memories” occurred in the first 18 years of my life and have stuck with me until this day.
We all have those memories that stick out in our head and here are two times that I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin.

I was in the 8^th grade and it was right after the junior high prom. I had gotten word that my date – who was just a friend of mine – told a few folks that my face was fat. He just mentioned my face being fat, not anything else. It bothered me for a bit, and I got my feelings hurt, but I seemed to have moved on from it. (Ok, if I’m blogging about it maybe I didn’t really move on from it.)

I’ve written about the high school football game anxiety in the past, and frankly, it began with a “fat” experience.  I’ve mentioned I was a cheerleader and had never really attended a high school game where I wasn’t on the sidelines or had another “task” to accomplish. I was a freshman in college and – as all freshmen do – decided to attend a high school football game at my alma mater. So I did, with several other high school friends. We were sitting up in the bleachers talking to a few other folks that were still in high school and the score had been pretty tight. Late in the game, the visiting team scored, putting them on top.  Someone said, “well, it’ ain’t over ‘til the fat lady sings.” To which someone replied, “sing, Dawn. SING!” I was mortified. I was embarrassed. I was furious. It was the last football game I went to until Tripp had to attend the varsity game at Briarcrest for elementary night four years ago. That awful body-shaming comment stuck with me and I finally realized after many years the reason it did is because I was depressed. The first two years of college were depressing for me, and honestly, I should have been seeing a therapist. I didn’t have a boyfriend (with no dates or prospects for dates), didn’t have that many friends in college and was depressed. (Again, a post for another time.)

Like most women, I hate how I look in pictures. I can find a flaw in nearly every photo and frankly, can be pretty hard on myself. I don’t think I am alone in this practice. But this picture of us on our 16^th wedding anniversary in May was the final straw for me.

Our 16th Wedding Anniversary. Tom looks nearly identical to the day we got married. Me, not so much!

 

Sure, we aren’t dressed up and are heading to a baseball game. Sure, I don’t have any makeup on. Sure, we are sitting on the tailgate of a pick up truck. But honestly, I was taken aback. I tried to make excuses: It must be the shirt. It must be the lighting. It must be how I was sitting. It must be that I’m not wearing makeup. No, it was me. I finally realized this was what others saw when they saw me. It was the most uncomfortable in my skin I had ever been. Surgery was something I had to do. I had my doubts before, but I finally realized that it was the only way I could be healthier. I had to do it.

 
Now, four weeks post-surgery, I am healthier and I’m certainly more comfortable in my own skin. It’s a long journey and I have a long way to go, but I’m in it for the long haul. I’m doing better physically, but also mentally. Guess I will just have to get even more comfortable in my own (saggy) skin.