The Right Sermon at the Right Time

This past Sunday, I went to church and heard a sermon that I needed to hear. Hope Church’s Senior Associate Pastor, Dr. Eli Morris, delivered the message entitled “My Favorite Track Meet.” You see, the sermon series is on “Faves” and Eli is a self-proclaimed track and field nut, so it was only fitting that he spent Sunday morning talking about this often-overlooked sport.

And whether you are religious or not, Christian or not, or a sports fan or not, the theme of the entire sermon is applicable to your life, I promise. Of course, Eli meant for the “track meet” to parallel your path with God and the journey of Christianity, but it spoke to me about my weight loss journey and transformation process. I took copious notes on the outline and even saved the outline to look back at later. I don't do that with sermon notes very often. 

I’ve been struggling a bit lately (again—no one said this was going to be easy) and I’ve been searching for the answers to a few challenges I’ve been having. I’m fighting for every pound lost right now, and sometimes, I feel the fight in me waning a bit. This sermon hit me square on the head and was exactly what I needed.

Here are a few key points he made and the ones that hit home for me. I think they are applicable to everyone and I hope they help you handle an issue you may be facing:  

• We step off the track because we get distracted by other things. Boy, do we! I have been distracted recently by lots of other things: stress at work, kids and their busy schedules, trying to figure out how to get everything done and the list goes on and on. It is endless. But it is always going to be that way. I just have to assess the situation, adjust and figure out how to get back on track.

• The cost of staying on track seems too great: Again, hit me like a hammer on my head. I sometimes get tired of meal prepping for just me. I prep for breakfast and lunch, and usually dinner. It takes time and it is a hassle. But it is something I have to do. So I just need to suck it up, take a few minutes and prep my meals. It is as simple as that.  

•  We get off the track because we settle: we settle for less because we say things like “well, it’s better than what it used to be.” I’ve been thinking this for a while when trying to determine what my final goal weight will be. I’m happy where I am not, but I want to lose a little more to get to my final goal weight. But I have to be honest, sometimes I’m just ready to be done. And I think “well, this weight is fine. It is better than what it used to be.” NO! I’m not going to settle just yet. It isn’t fine. I am better than fine.

• So why should we get back on track and push on? During this section, Eli talked a lot about character, stewardship and your legacy by doing the right thing. But honestly, the thing that stuck out to me most was that nothing compares to the right thing. NOTHING! Think about that for a second. It’s easy to do the wrong thing (and the “wrong thing” can be whatever applies to you—for me lately, it has been not taking the time to prep my meals or have the right foods in the house. I have just been lazy and get tired of doing it over and over again.) But it is the “right” thing for me to do and I just need to go it and get back on track.

His final thoughts were perhaps the most powerful for me. He addressed how to stay the course, when faced with adversity. This scripture just may be my new favorite. 

“Let us strip off anything that slows us down or holds us back, and especially those sins that wrap themselves so tightly around our feet and trip us up; and let us run with patience on the particular race that God has set before us.” Hebrews 12:1-2

Eli encouraged us to “discard the baggage” (strip off anything that slows us down) in order to stay on the course. In previous blogs, I’ve discussed some of the baggage I’ve discarded over the last year or so: the negative relationships I’ve had in my life (including that very negative relationship I had with food,) bad habits that I have formed for 40 years, the laziness that led to lack of exercise, just to name a few. But that verse tells us to strip off anything that slows us down or holds us back. ANYTHING! Bad habits, actions you shouldn’t be doing, negative people- anything.  

He also talks about taking little steps to stay the course. He referred to some days as “Quick Sand Days,” meaning the only way to survive those days, as you do with quick sand, is to take little steps to get out of it. It is a perfect way to describe some days. Now I have a perfect description for days when I feel like I’m drowning- quicksand days! And now I know that the only way to get out of them is to take little steps.

Lastly, Eli talked about Envisioning the Finish. And lately, I’ve had trouble envisioning the finish and seeing the finish line. As I mentioned previously, I’m now fighting for every pound lost and that is a challenge in and of itself. But it is the little things I have noticed recently that have helped me envision the finish:

•         I went to a water park (twice! and climbed stairs to the top of the tallest water slides and didn’t die (or even get out of breath!)
•         I’m walking a lot (by myself and with a few girlfriends from time to time) and walking pretty fast. And I didn’t die! In fact, when I don't walk, I don't feel as good. 
•          I have some clothes that aren’t that old that are too big. (uh, that's NEVER happened until this journey.) 
•         I’m finally below my pre-pregnancy weight (from nearly 13 years ago!)

That last one about being below my pre-pregnancy weight is HUGE for me. Seriously, my baby will be 12 this week and I’m finally below that weight. I haven’t been below that weight in nearly 13 years!!!!!! That’s what I call a success, even if I haven't reach my goal as quickly as I wanted to. I'm still taking little steps toward achieving it. 

If you want to listen to Eli's sermon in it's entirety, I high recommend it. It can be found here: https://www.hopepres.com/media#!/swx/pp/media_archives/206115/episode/69074. 

One final thought on envisioning the finish: Here is my August photo and progress report.

August 6, 2017
Down 93 pounds! 

To date, I’ve lost 93 pounds. I’m coming up on my one-year anniversary of surgery August 23, and I’m both excited and a bit sad. Excited because I know how far I’ve come, but a bit sad because I really wanted to reach 100 pounds by my birthday. When I didn’t, I began to really get down about it and to be honest, I felt a little bit like a failure. But after a bit of wallowing in my own self-pity, I picked myself up and began again. I’ve set a new goal of losing a total of 115 pounds total, so I have 22 more pounds to go. Since I’m fighting for every pound now, my goal is to get that final 22 pounds off by Christmas of this year. It’s going to take a lot of work and perseverance, but I can do it… one little step and quicksand day at a time. 

I. AM. ENOUGH. (or am I?)

I am a failure. It’s not certain that I have failed, but I am nearly 100 percent sure that I have failed. On one hand, I feel ashamed. Embarrassed. Humiliated. Ridiculous. I feel like an impostor. The number on the scale looks back at me and taunts me, but the last few weeks, I feel like it’s been laughing at me. Reminding me that I am in impostor. 

On the other hand, I’m reminding myself of how far I have come. And I don’t mean just the weight I’ve lost and the number of pounds that have gone. My habits have changed; I’ve made exercise an integral part of my life (finally!) and realized that I don’t live to eat anymore, but I eat to live. I’ve gotten rid of some of the negativity in my life, including negative people, a negative job situation, and I might have even learned to love myself again (or for the first time.)

But the one question keeps nagging at me, is it enough? I want to believe it to be true, that I AM Enough. It’s become my mantra since a friend from high school reminded me so encouragingly and eloquently in March that I am enough and more than a number on a scale. It was solidified as my mantra when another friend sent me a bracelet with those very words inscribed after she had read my blog about it. It serves as a happy reminder that I am enough. But still, I doubt. Still, I feel like an impostor.

Losing weight has been an extremely emotional journey for me; perhaps more emotional than I ever gave it credit for. I’ve been spending months trying to put my finger on it, and this week I finally landed on how exactly I felt- like an IMPOSTOR. To be honest, I’ve always felt this way. I can remember as a child when I got praise for something or – mainly for good grades – or achieved an academic success, that someone was going to figure me out and uncover me as the fraud I really was. I’ve felt this way literally all of my life, and I think it’s a big reason why I’ve never been able to keep the weight off despite having lost weight several times before. Even now when I open my eyes in the morning I have this fear that I’ve put the weight back on and I won’t have any clothes that fit.

In a way, the weight I carried has masked my insecurity. And in turn, I was highly insecure about the extra weight I was carrying. That’s quite the vicious cycle! But as I near 41 years old, I wonder if that mask was the real me? Maybe the real me is fat? 

I also realize now that I’ve felt this way my entire life. I’ve never quite been able to put my finger on it, but I’ve never felt like I was enough, no matter how good I was at something or how good my grades were, or how much I was praised for it. I just keep thinking “someone’s gonna figure me out.”

A few years ago, like every woman in America it seems, I read Sheryl Sandberg’s pro-female, career gospel about empowering women to achieve, Lean In. I was hooked. It was there that I first read about Impostor syndrome. Impostor syndrome, also known as impostorism or the impostor phenomenon, is like self-doubt, but on steroids. It’s more than insecurity about yourself or your abilities. According to Harvard Business School Professor Amy Cuddy, it is a paralyzing fear that we don’t belong and that we’ve fooled people into thinking that we are much more talented than we actually are. Another facet is realizing others AREN’T impostors, and that they actually deserve to be in a successful situation, oftentimes over you.

Yes! Yes! All of this.Yes!! I had never mentioned this feeling to anyone, but I felt this way all of the time. About everything. And, I’d never heard anyone else talk about it. It was like one of my biggest secrets. I kept living in fear that I would be figured out. And I still do to this day.

But now, my feelings of impostorism are about being fat. Now, I am not skinny by any means, but I feel like any day I’m going to be “outed” as a fat person and wake up that way again. (I mean seriously, I wake up in the morning and one of the first things I do is feel my stomach.) I still feel like an impostor, just a skinnier one. Fat covers up so much other stuff, stuff I didn’t even realize I was feeling.

Now, back to the weight loss journey – I’ve had a huge realization! I’ve realized I’ve been afraid to be skinny for years. I know that may sound crazy, but I got comfortable being the funny, fat girl in the room. Yep, Rebel Wilson and Melissa McCarthy, if I too had been discovered, I would have killed it in Bridesmaids and Pitch Perfect.) I learned to hide as a fat girl, which is very ironic, because you are so physically visible to people, but so often overlooked. You can pretty much be invisible if you want to me. And a lot of times, contrary to my extroverted personality, I wanted to be. Frankly, I figured out a long time ago it was easier to be the fat funny girl, than to be the fit, in-shape skinny girl. People just expected less of you. They expected you to make them laugh and you would always be there for them (because where else were fat girls gonna be on Friday nights?)

I feel like I’m rambling a bit, but lately I’ve been trying to process the emotions I’ve had on this journey. And I have this nagging feeling that I am not enough. And that I never have been enough. And that I’m a failure. Even when I sometimes have a false sense of feeling enough, I feel semi-confident and then I’m knocked back down to the impostor that I am.

A couple of weeks ago I had a realization that led to a minor meltdown with Tom. Again, it was my impostorism creeping in. (Bless his heart, he gets to hear all of these, and he always knows exactly what to say.) One morning it occurred to me that I was going to fail. I wasn’t going to make my #100byJune24 goal. And I felt like I was going to throw up and have my heart stop beating all at the same time. How could I possibly fail at this? I was so focused! Hell, I’ve been blogging about it and even created a damn hashtag. But obviously, I wasn’t focused enough. I began to feel ridiculous, and maybe even start to ugly cry. Then Tom looked at me, put his arms around me and simply said, “so, you’ll just revise your goal. It’s just a number, Dawn. You need to focus on how far you’ve come… you’ve set this goal for yourself, no one else did. So you can revise It. You’ve lost 86 pounds, you look amazing, you look fit and are healthy. Who cares if you reach 100 pounds by an arbitrary date?”

Wow. Just wow. For a man who sometimes doesn’t say a lot, he said so much. He was right. And I wanted to believe him. I tried to believe him. But still, not making this goal makes me feel like a failure. Like an impostor. Not Enough.

I am very aware how ridiculous this all sounds. And like my other posts, I don't want your pity or for you to feel sorry for me in any way. I also know it doesn’t make much sense to most of you. I’ve revised my goal to #90byJune24, but it doesn’t have the same ring to it. It’s like 3^rd place or worse- a participation trophy or ribbon. And dammit, I wanted 1^st place. I wanted 100 pounds.

I know I will get there eventually and then I can make another goal. I’m still very much a work in progress. I’m reading up more on impostor syndrome and some tips to overcome the debilitating feeling of being a fraud. (I like these tips a lot https://startupbros.com/21-ways-overcome-impostor-syndrome/ ) 

But for now, I keep taking it one day at a time, and sometimes, just one hour at a time. I have made a vow to not get on a scale until June 24, and I hope it says I’ve lost at least 90 pounds. I also hope I don’t cry because it doesn’t say 100 pounds. But I owe a June picture (somehow May slipped by and we didn't get one), so here is one of me wearing my weekend baseball mom attire. Yep, those are those shorts I so desperately wanted to wear, and I look at them everywhere. I am a little obsessed with them right now. They are so comfortable.

June 10, 2017
Approximately 9 1/2 months post-surgery 

 I also wear my bracelet everyday (thanks Lynn Cooper!) It has been a nice reminder for me, especially when I think that someone is going to come in and "out" me as not being qualified for my job, not being as smart as they think I have been, or frankly, as being a fat girl, I look down and desperately try to remember that I am more than just a number on a scale. I try to remember that I. AM. ENOUGH. 

I'm Suffering from Coccydynia (Literal Translation: A Pain in the A$$)

Today, I'm personally confirming what most of you (past and present friends, relatives and co-workers) and certainly my husband,  know about me: I can be a pain in the A$$. And this time, I mean I literally have a pain in my bum. And by bum, I mean tail bone. (Can honestly say, I've never had that problem before.)

Apparently for folks that lose a good bit of weight quickly, it is very common to suffer from coccydynia, or tailbone pain. As funny as it seems, you actually are losing the padding in your rear that protects your tailbone (coccyx) and that can cause it to get irritated from sitting too long or other strenuous things. There are a few remedies I've been able to find online:  I'm sitting on a donut pillow at work (yep, like the geriatric that I am) and I'm taking some Tylenol for the pain. My doctor has prescribed me an anti-inflammatory for that and my bursitis (again, I'm a geriatric) and I'm hoping that helps. I'm also doing some yoga stretches to focus on that area.

I'm not really complaining about it, but it does hurt. I try to get up and move around a lot, but my job requires me to sit at the computer a lot. Also, in case you haven't noticed, I tend to do a lot of sitting at my kids' sporting events- though I do try to get up and move around to keep from sitting still too long.

Anyone else out there had this problem before? Any remedies I may be missing? It hurts more some days than others (and I can't quite figure out the pattern to it just yet.) I'm open to anything; you literally would be saving my butt! (haha corny, I know, but what did you expect?)

January 1st Update (Two weeks late): #redcarpetready

Forgive me, friends, for not posting my update on the first of the month as planned. It's been a little crazy this month with the holidays, and I got a nasty cold that had me down for a few days. And what a nasty cold it was! Honestly, I can't remember the last time a cold had me in the bed, but this one kicked my butt! 

Just like everyone, we had a very busy holiday season and really enjoyed some great family time together. I woke up New Year's Eve with a cold and it took me more than a week to get over it. But I'm better now and back on my workout schedule, so I wanted to do my update picture and monthly progress. (It helps keep me on track.) 

January 10, 2017
140 days post surgery 

Here I am 140 days post surgery (roughly four months.) As of January 10, I have lost a total of 72.3 pounds (57.3 pounds since surgery day.) That is more pounds than Zane weighs!! I have so much more energy and I have such a different outlook on life, to be quite honest. I mean, I'm the same person -- bossy, still require a lot of sleep, still fall asleep if I sit still long enough, blah blah blah -- but I feel much better. I can hang with my kiddos a bit more and I'm getting much more used to the portion sizes and how much I can eat without feeling awful. I don't get it right every time, but man when I get it right, I feel so much better. I know it is just re-training myself how to eat, and I'm getting there. 

But get this, y'all!!! I shopped from the regular women's section!!!! (Oh yes, cue the applause and music.) I have a few pieces of clothing that I can wear, but it was getting about time to replace a main staple in my "uniform" -- black pants. So yesterday I ventured out to Marshall's before a busy day of basketball games and I bought two pair of black pants. From the regular women's section. SHUT. UP. Not the plus size section. THE REGULAR WOMEN'S SECTION. I haven't done that in years. In fact, the workout clothing I have been buying the last couple of months has been from the regular women's section. (Seems my new lifestyle has me buying more workout and "athleisure" wear than work clothing- at least right now.)  As my friend Toni would say, it was a red-letter day on the calendar! It's the little things that I get excited about. (They seem little, but they aren't to me.) Such as, not having as much trouble crossing my legs. Or -- this one makes me laugh out loud -- finally being able to do the Reese Witherspoon red carpet pose (you know the one, one foot tightly crossed over the other.) 

Don't get me wrong, NO ONE is going to mistake me for Reese Witherspoon any time soon -- or EVER -- but I've always noticed that red carpet pose and just couldn't do it. Well, now I can. So look at me. (Yes, I know I am oddly proud of this.) And let me be clear, I won't be going to any red carpets any time soon, or ever, but if there is one at the basketball gym or baseball field, I will definitely be ready with my Reese pose.