A Tale of Two Physicians

When a physician takes the Hippocratic Oath, he or she swears to uphold ethical standards of the medical profession, respect the privacy of patients, prevent disease whenever possible and a wealth of other noble responsibilities.  But perhaps the most important responsibility a physician has to uphold is to “first do no harm.”

This is the tale of two physicians that have played very significant roles in my family’s lives over the past year or so, and the distance that separates the very different “bedside manners” of each. One is the surgeon who performed my weight loss surgery; the other, the one who removed my mother’s cancerous kidney. As patients who are going through a traumatic experience (and let’s face it, some instances to see a physician are more traumatic than others, but they all share some degree of seriousness,) we expect a level of bedside manner to ease us through our medical issue. Of course, some patients need more coddling than others and for that matter, some situations call for more patient coddling. (And speaking as a frequent patient who has had multiple surgeries including c-sections, gallbladder removal, appendectomy and most recently a gastric sleeve procedure, I myself have needed different levels of coddling.) I also realize that being a doctor is hard. One must balance the high-level stress of holding someone else’s life in your hands, while also knowing how to treat a variety of ailments, with the emotions that come with being human and helping your patients through the range of emotions. It is certainly a profession that is not for everyone, and one that I could never tackle. It should also be mention that I have an immense amount of respect for physicians, nurses, EMTs and anyone in the medical profession. Some of them, however, seem to handle their responsibilities to “do no harm” a little better than others. And “harm,” doesn’t just refer to the physical and medical conditions. The emotional aspect of seeing a physician can be just as traumatic for the patient.

The two physicians to which I am referring could not be further apart on the “bedside manner” scale. As you likely know, about a year ago, I decided to undergo gastric sleeve surgery to aid in weight loss. I did not take this decision lightly and I did lots of research, talked to many patients who had the procedure done, and spent lots of time talking to doctors, nurses, dieticians, psychologists, etc., before taking this very drastic step. It should be noted that I am so very thankful I did this surgery – it has completely changed my life! However, had I been able to choose another surgeon to perform this procedure, I certainly would have. I am not going to mention this surgeon’s name on this blog, but he is the leading bariatric surgeon in Memphis and I promise you can ask anyone in the medical profession or one of his past patients and they will agree with me. He is an a$$hole. He is the most miserable human being I have ever met. Period.

While he may be a great “technician” at his craft, his bedside manner is the worst. He has no ability to connect with his patients on a personal level. I’ve seen him on several occasions now, and he says the same thing every time. He has a script from which he reads and he offers no words of encouragement to his patients. I have chosen to sit there and stare blankly at him until he has finished his script, but I’m quite sure he has had some people yell and him and call him everything in the book. You may recall during my last visit to him, he berated me throughout the entire visit. It. Was. Awful. I knew I hadn’t lost as much weight as I should have, and trust me, I didn’t really need him to tell me that. Of course, I didn’t want him to coddle me, hug me and tell me everything was going to be ok, but I did want him to give me solutions and offer help. But what did he do? He told me losing weight was easy- “you just don’t eat as much and you exercise.” Then he proceeded to tell me that he himself lost 14 pounds the previous month because he wanted to. He just ate less. (I’m going to pause for a moment and let that sink in.)

Of course! That’s it. The solution to all of my weight problems for years and years was just that simple- I want to, so I just simply eat less and exercise more. Of course I realize that scientifically, that is exactly how it works. However, life isn’t really scientific. Raising kids and being married and working full time isn’t scientific, either. But I will cut him some slack and agree that yes, scientifically, that’s how it works.

But let’s get real. Doesn’t he think that if it were that easy for me (and so many others), I would never be in his office in the first place? Doesn’t he know that admitting you can’t achieve your weight loss goals alone after 40 years (give or take) of trying and finally admitting you need medical help and a surgeon to remove 70% of your stomach as the only way it will happen is humiliating enough? Obviously he doesn’t. Of course, Doctor, I should just eat less. Or as he likes to say in his script, stop eating Sonic Blasts. It’s obviously that simple.

The other physician was my mom’s urologist, Dr. Adam Stewart of Conrad Pearson Clinic. He sits on the opposite side of the spectrum. I haven’t shared this news publicly yet, but at the beginning of the month, in what was a whirlwind of a few days, my mom was diagnosed with kidney cancer. Luckily, she listened to her body and within 48 hours of symptoms, she was at the hospital getting a series of tests and was diagnosed with that awful word. The ER physician at Methodist Germantown was delightful and conferred with Dr. Stewart. (Everyone at Methodist Germantown was delightful, by the way.) He got my mom into his office Monday (we were at the hospital on Friday) and he said very plainly, “it is cancer and I want to get that kidney out quickly. If I have trouble scheduling it with the hospital, I will admit you and take it out that way. I will game the system if I must to get it that kidney out tomorrow or Wednesday.”

Dr. Stewart answered all of our questions, gave us so much information and was very, very honest. He didn’t coddle my mom (nor me or my brother), but was gentle, caring, used the appropriate amount of humor to lighten the situation, and was simply human. My father died from cancer, so hearing the word cancer was like a kick in the gut to us. But my mom being the super woman she is, put on her positive attitude and said “Let’s get this kidney out today!!” He was able to remove the entire kidney two days later and he was so wonderful with the group of family that we had at the hospital with us. He even talked directly to my two kids, explaining how he had gotten her kidney by “just reaching in there and grabbing it and pulling it out.” Well done, Doc. You know how to speak to two young boys! J He put us at ease when things were happening so fast and when the word “cancer” was all we heard.  

She stayed in the hospital for two nights and came home on a Friday- a week to the day we got that cancer diagnosis.  She rested for a few days, then went back to see Dr. Stewart for a follow up, and he let us know the cancer had not spread anywhere else, he got it all when he got the kidney, and she was CANCER FREE! She wouldn’t even have to have any chemo. She will get scanned every six months or so, but she could go on about her business being a busy grandma yelling at baseball games. She would just now do it with one kidney!

My spry and spunky Mama Sue with two
of her wonderful grandchildren (minus one kidney!) 

Y’all, I promise if you need a surgical urologist, look no further than Dr. Brian Stewart. I’m sure there are other great urologists in Memphis, but he will be my family’s go-to from now on!

So now back to the other physician. I realize the bariatric surgeon doesn’t have an easy job, and he has to put up some sort of shield because some of his patients (probably most) are in complete denial about how much food they truly consume, their poor eating and exercise habits, and just what it actually does take to maintain a healthy weight. But I know he can do better. There are other physicians at St. Francis that do this procedure and I’ve heard from those patients that they do a much better job with bedside manner.  Perhaps this doctor can learn from them.

First do no harm. If you’ve ever had to go the doctor for your child, family member or yourself, you know there is more than the physical pain that accompanies the visit. The emotional toll can just about be as bad as thee physical pain. Any doctor can – and should—be able to treat the physical ailment and be a skilled “technician.” But finding the right balance of being a skilled “technician,” with just the right amount of heart for your patients is the sweet spot. And in reading the Hippocratic Oath, I think that is essentially the point. In this year filed with a lot of physician visits and interaction, I can tell you that Dr. Stewart upheld that every bit of that oath, and we will be forever grateful.  

Ctrl + Alt + Delete

Ctrl + Alt + Delete. It's my favorite computer command. Anytime my computer freezes up, I finagle my fingers around the keyboard and punch those three keys. And voila! I get options...  I can log off, change my password or even, my personal favorite- "start task manager." It may not be the proper term, but I use this to reboot or reset my computer.  

After my last visit to the doctor, you will recall that I needed a reboot. A bit of a do-over. A reset.  After I had those ugly cries, I went to see the nutritionist. She was so helpful and really served as much of a psychologist as anything else. She gave me some great ideas as to a variety of things to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and we talked through expectations. (Truly, this was something of which I was in desperate need.)  She also gave me permission to relax and not be so hard on myself. I really think I needed that. From someone I considered a professional. It was a relief. 

The next day, I got my mind in high gear and I planned out my foods and prepped them. I took my snacks and lunches to the baseball games with me, and exercised like I had been doing. And I have kept it up. I just needed a reboot. 

I heard from so many friends and family members, some great words of encouragement, kinship and love. One of those came through Facebook, from someone with which I went to high school. She now lives in Ohio and I honestly can't even remember the last time I saw her in person, but I keep up with her on Facebook. She wrote me the nicest, most encouraging message that touched me deeply. She told me about a podcast she listens to called "Revelation Wellness"and it is grounded in Christianity and walks you through exercise with some scripture along the way. But more than that, she told me "Dawn, you are enough." Those four words hit me like a truck. She was right. I am enough. And I hated that I forgot that. I hated that my doctor's unkind truth and lack of bedside manner made me feel horrible about myself. I AM ENOUGH! Thanks, Rebecca, for reminding me. 

Those words have been in my head since I got that message from her. On Thursday, I decided to get on the scale. In addition to doing what I knew I needed to do, I had my mind right again. And I lost 3.5 pounds in a week! I am under no illusion that it is going to be easy. There are going to be bumps and detours, and maybe even some fender-benders on this road, but the beauty is, I can get right back on it. I can ctrl + alt + delete at any time. 

So it's time for my March photo, but first, indulge me in a little story. I've always admired runners. I am amazed as you effortlessly run down the sidewalk with your iPod, mostly looking like you're not even sweating. Or how you run 5ks in 15 seconds and then grab a beer at the finish line. How you post pics of you in an ice bath after a "long run."  Especially how you train for months and months and months and run a marathon. It's always been mesmerizing to me. I long to have a "runner's high" (for just about anything, honestly.) I've tried to run before, but it never seemed to catch on. 

Well, this Saturday, March 11, 2017 was a milestone for me. I went to the gym to get in a workout and I decided to see how long I could run on a treadmill without stopping. I set my mind to get to 1/2 mile. Once I got there -- and didn't die -- I decided to push it to see if I could run 3/4 of a mile. Once I got there -- and didn't die -- I decided to go for a mile. A WHOLE MILE! WITHOUT STOPPING!! And I did it!!!! And guess what!?!?!?! I didn't die!!! 

It felt great!!! I paused the treadmill and took a photo to send to Tom. And you know what, I realized I WAS enough. No matter how many pounds I have or haven't lost, I just ran a mile without stopping. Of course, it took me 16 minutes, but still. I was enough. And for now, a 16-minute mile was enough! 

So for March's progress photo, I'm showing you my post-workout self. Sweaty, but victorious! 

A Victory Photo
A 16-minute mile never felt so good! 

And it might be my favorite photo yet! I'm strong, confident and enough. Thanks for the encouraging words, Rebecca Walden, they have been in my head constantly and have meant so much to me.And you're right, it's not about how many pounds I've lost, or how fast my mile was, it's about me. About being healthier for my family and enjoying life with them. It's about me having more energy to see my kids do the things they love. About me hitting ctrl + alt + delete and resetting. But most importantly, it's about me being enough. 

Conflict 2016: The Year of Celebrity Death, the Weird Presidential Election and Transformation for Dawn Ray of Sunshine

I am conflicted. On the surface (and in the record books), 2016 has been a shitty year. The US had the worst Presidential candidates and election situation ever. (Seriously, it was a bit like watching Jerry Springer on a worldwide scale.)  We've lost some of the best and brightest at their craft in Hollywood, Sports, Music and Literature: Prince, Muhammad Ali, Craig Sager, Carrie Fisher, Debbie Reynolds, George Michael, Glenn Frey, Alan Rickman, Harper Lee, Joey Feek, Nancy Reagan, Merle Haggard, Gordie Howe, Anton Yelchin, Pat Summitt, Garry Marshall, Garry Shandling, Steven Hill (Adam Schiff on Law & Order), Gene Wilder, Jose Fernandez, Arnold Palmer, Gwen Ifill, Florence Henderson, John Glenn, Alan Thicke, I know the list goes on...

By all accounts, it's been shitty. And it seems if we are able to make it through the next 2 days of 2016 without any more deaths, we will be lucky. (The dark humor side of me wishes I had been in a version of Howard Stern's "Celebrity Death Pool" because I could have made some serious coin.) Okay, I don't mean to make light of it, but if we don't laugh about it, we will cry ourselves into 2017. 

But for me, 2016 has been life-changing. And frankly, life-saving. And not just physically. Sure, I made a huge decision to have gastric sleeve surgery. I've lost about 70 pounds and I'm exercising on a regular basis. I've completely changed my outlook on food and finally come to grips with why I eat as well as what I eat. (It is still sometimes a struggle, but I am very aware of these things now, whereas I couldn't say that before.) But as much work as I've put in on the physical me, I've put in as much work on the spiritual and emotional me. It's the me you can't see upon first glance, but trust me, she's in there and she's very different now. Early in the year, I decided to rid myself of some toxic things in my life. Everything from negative self-talk to negative and toxic relationships in my personal and professional life to impostor syndrome. (I still suffer from that and that's another blog post for another time, but I'm working on that.) 

In January, I really began working on ME. Even though Tom has been telling me for years that I needed to take care of myself, it finally started to sink in. Y'all know I'm hard headed and it took a while for that to sink in!! So I started the journey of self-discovery and frankly, I didn't like what I discovered. So I set out to change it. I started the gastric sleeve journey (a LONG journey to surgery) and then I began examining every aspect of my life. I didn't go and broadcast this work to anyone, not even to Tom. But I needed to find ME again. So I began to listen to my conversations and daily interactions with people -- and not just listen to wait for my turn to talk, but really listen to understand and learn. I wanted to know how people viewed me, and that included my own family, especially Tom and my kids.  I stumbled a lot, heck, I even cried some. It wasn't always pretty, but it was enlightening. There were some things that were said to me (either blatantly or in passing) or things I read that had a profound impact on me. They have stuck with me, and probably always will. Here are a few to note: 

"WOW! What a great laugh you've got. I've never heard you laugh like that before!" This one seems innocent enough and was just an observation from one of the baseball dads from Tripp's baseball team while we were all at the beach together, but it was like taking a punch in the gut. (And I'm so grateful he said it.)  I love to laugh. I live to laugh. It's who I am. I love to make people laugh. I love to make my kids laugh. Laughter is the best part of life. People used to tell me all the time what a great (loud, obnoxious) laugh I had and how it was infectious. I hadn't heard that in years. So when he said it, it hit me in the face, hard. I realized I hadn't heard that in years. And frankly, I hadn't laughed like that in years. It caused me to ask Tom about it. And he agreed. He said I don't laugh like I used to anymore. And he was right. I didn't. I vowed then to find my laugh again. (So thanks, Collins Day. You are appreciated.) 

"You can't be a man. Be a woman. It's powerful business when done correctly." This is a quote from Mad Men. Several quotes from Mad Men appear on this list. I watched the show in it's entirety at the beginning of 2016 and it had a profound impact on me in both a personal and professional sense. (Truly, it's in my top 3 shows I consider to be the best shows ever made outside of Seinfeld: Mad Men, The Shield and Breaking Bad.) . The quote is from Bobbie Barrett, who was the wife/manager of the obnoxious comedian Jimmy Barrett, who did the VO work for the Utz Potato Chip account at Sterling Cooper. She was talking to Peggy Olson. Peggy was a young, naive sort at the agency, and one with whom I identified with greatly. She began as a secretary, answering phones, but showed a penchant for copywriting and worked her way into one of the most valuable employees at Sterling Cooper. (She also had the most bad ass scene I've pretty much ever seen in a TV show...) 

Everything about this scene is bad ass. Peggy's growth as an advertising executive AND as a woman is summed up in this 25 seconds. Her cigarette, her sunglasses, and her NSFW Japanese porn painting epitomize the swagger she carries as she walks into her new role at McCann Erickson. This scene, and the growth of the Peggy character, influenced my life this year in so many ways. Bobbie is telling Peggy that she doesn't have to be like a man to get noticed at her job. She needs to understand men and how they think and operate, but she has an immense power as a women and she should use it. WOW. Very heavy and very true. I've tapped into my inner Peggy Olson many times this year, and intend to keep doing it. 

"Etre bien dans sa peau," (French for "to be well in my skin"): I am not even sure where I saw this (likely Facebook where all wisdom can be found these days :)) but it stuck with me. I was extremely uncomfortable in my own skin and I have been for years. This little French phrase has taught me to just be comfortable with who I am, and not worry about who I'm not. I haven't perfected that yet, but I'm working on it. 

"I'm calling to let you know you've been approved for gastric sleeve surgery." That little sentence changed my life. It was a huge leap on a journey full of liquids, baby foods and purees for a few months, but a leap for which I am so very grateful. 

"I'd love to offer you this job and have you be a part of our team." Such a great phone call to receive (and it was so perfectly timed!) In November, I joined the team at EdR. It's a great chance for me to lead their communications and marketing efforts and be a part of a company that is redefining collegiate housing. 

"We need you to write us a check for $3,000": I won't get into the details that are behind this comment, but it speaks to the incompetence some people (and companies) possess. And it was a defining moment for me. Thanks to the urging of my supportive husband, I refused to just "write the check" and demand documentation for other's mistakes. He reminded me that I'm not here to clean up the mistakes due to other's incompetence. Also, it was a reminder that I am a decent, honest person. (That's always a good reminder!) #notmyproblem


"People tell you who they are, but we ignore it because we want them to be who we want them to be." Mind. Blown. Right?!??! Why did it take a fictional male chauvinist character on a TV Show to get me to understand this? People show their true colors to you all the time. We just choose whether to see them or not. And damn, some folks have really showed me their true colors this year. A few showed me how truly selfish they really are and how they were only out for themselves. They showed me their arrogance and their blatant disregard for other people's feelings (including mine.) Of course, not all people are like this, but some really showed their true colors to me this year. Or better yet, I finally began to see them. 

"If you don't like what's being said, change the conversation." Sure, it's been said before by others, but it stuck with me when Don Draper said it on Mad Men. We are in charge of our destiny and how others view us. We are ultimately in charge of that conversation and changing that conversation if we don't like it. This year, I've worked hard at both. And I think I've changed the conversation on many fronts. 

"Sometimes things just don't work out." This is one I actually said to someone, and it was a defining moment for me. Nearly two years ago, I took a leap of faith and took a new job. I stepped out of my comfort zone at Hilton and went into healthcare. And you know what? It didn't quite work out as planned. And that's okay. Not everything works out all the time, no matter how much we want it to. (Took me until I was 40 to figure that out.) 

Now I know this list looks like a lot of self-empowering quotes that make me look like I have all my shit together. HAHHAHAHAHA!! Far from the truth. I have stumbled quite a bit this year and I most certainly will in 2017 and beyond. And I'm still my worry-wart self: I worry about my youngest child and how he fits in socially; I worry about his attention span and his maturity level even though he is wicked smart; I worry about the fact that he shows no interest in riding a bike for himself and question whether we should have held him back a grade earlier on because most of the kids in his grade are nearly a year older than he is; I worry about the fact that we just put $5,000 worth of  braces in my oldest son's mouth; I worry about how we are going to get both boys to practices and get school and studying done and how we can do all of that while working and not going insane. I worry about what we are going to eat for dinner and what three bites or so I'm going to have for dinner; I worry about when I'm going to go to the gym; I worry if I'm a good wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend. I worry about the violence in Memphis and if we can overcome it; I worry about our great nation and how divided we all are and if we can survive the turbulent election and the upcoming inauguration. I worry. 

So on paper, 2016 was shitty. So much death. So much weirdness in the world. So much animosity and violence and not enough love. So in that regard, it was shitty. But it was also transformational. In 2017, I'm choosing to change the conversation. I'm choosing to channel my inner Don Draper and Peggy Olson and be who I am and make no apologies for it. I'm choosing to show my true colors and be sure to sniff out others' before I invest my precious time in them. In 2017, I'm continuing to choose ME (and Tom, Zane and Tripp and Mama Sue and others I hold dear.)  And I'm going to laugh. I'm going to laugh the real, infectious, loud and obnoxious Dawn Ray laugh. 

And if that bothers you, then too bad. Je suis bien dans ma peau. And that's #notmyproblem (nor it is Peggy Olson's.) 

Meet me at the Bar(re)

Nothing is more humbling to a chunky girl (and even more, one that has recently lost a good bit of weight) than going into a barre classes with a bunch of skinny, toned belles of the barre. If you’ve never been to a barre exercise class (here locally it is Pure Burre) allow me to describe it for you, in my own Dawn Ray of Sunshine fashion. Before I begin, however, let me explain that I actually like the class. And that’s big for me because I’m not exactly a fan of exercise of any kind, truly. There is retail space in front of the studio, and they sell athleisure clothing that is so popular these days. Leggings and tanks with cute sayings like “Barre So Hard,” “J’Adore Barre,” “Eat, Sleep, Tuck, Repeat.” “Meet me at the Barre” and my personal favorite, “Belle of the Barre.” Now, keep in mind I went to these classes in December before I even had surgery and really liked them. And of course, I found those tanks annoyingly cute. Like a Taylor Swift song that I didn’t want to like but kept singing loudly in the car, and at work and at home, I didn’t want to like them, but they were so damn cute I couldn’t help myself. And of course they didn’t fit me. But I digress…. 

These classes are intense. The Pure Barre motto is Lift, Tuck, Burn (LTB) and you do a series of yoga, pilates, barre, ballet type exercise and really work your core, arms and legs. The 55-minute class is filled with small movements (“tiny up, tiny down”) that hurt like hell and make your muscles shake.  In fact, they encourage you to “find your shake,” and let’s be honest, the only time I’ve ever wanted to “find my shake” was at Sonic.

You start each class with a warm up, which is honestly, one of the most challenging to me. I start out strong, and then we get to planks.  In what world are planks considered a warm up? Anyway, I push through the warmup the best I can and then we get to the weights. Very small weights, thank God. Remember, small motions, with isometric holds in between. PAINFUL, but effective. Then we go to the barre. Ahh, the barre. I never thought I would say anything positive about a bar(re), unless I was sitting at one with a drink in my hand, but the barre is the centerpiece of the entire 55-minute class. It’s where you work your legs, arms, core and seat (they say seat rather than butt or some other term because as my friend Kelly says, “they keep it classy.”) This is where you really lift, tuck, burn and find the shake. Again, tiny movements to work these parts of your body—I’m talking one inch – but it works and I’m sweating like I’ve just run a 10k (okay, I’ve never fully run a 10K or even a 5K, but I have to imagine that I would sweat a lot.)  

Once you feel like you can’t LTB anymore, you move to the other leg and work that side. Then, you grab your mat and do floor work up against the wall. You use the barre to push up with your arms and you do these tiny torture movements with your legs. Your legs and everything else feel like jelly, then the lights go dim, the music changes to a softer, slower tempo and you move the mat to the floor. Thank God!! You’re almost there… or so you think. It’s time for ab work. Hey, at least you get to be on the floor. But I promise you, tucking and squeezing your abs and seat aren’t exactly resting and winding down. The instructor is encouraging, she always gives some shout outs to you, like “great form, Kelsey” or “keep it up, Kim” or “one more change, ladies, this is where it really burns but is totally worth it.” (and yes, she sounds exactly as you have imagined it your head.) Truthfully, I love to hear her call my name, even if it is “great correction to your form, Dawn.” But damn, they are all so nice and supportive. And tiny. They are all so tiny and toned.

 Finally, once you have bridged and tucked and squeezed and lifted and you think you can’t do it anymore, you get to roll over on your stomach and stretch. Best. Stretch. Ever. And also a humbling stretch. I rolled over, did a cobra pose (thanks, Google!) and saw my reflection in the mirror. (Did I mention there are mirrored walls in this studio everywhere?) I was a mess. I looked awful-- flushed face, sweaty hair, just a mess.

Now, I know it may sound like I don’t like this class very much, but I actually do like it a lot. I feel like I have accomplished something big after I leave. Nearly every part of my body hurts, I look like a wreck—but it feels (dare I say) good. I hurt afterwards and getting up the next day isn’t that easy, but it gets easier. The Pure Barre Belles say you get more comfortable after 10 classes, so I’m looking forward to that.

I know I took the long way around for this update, but I wanted to provide a little glimpse into how my life has changed since this surgery, versus just talking about food. This is and always has been about more than food for me. It's been about inactivity and frankly, being lazy.

I know I haven’t posted many pics of me, so I decided to do that so you could see my progress. I’ve decided to take these pics on the first of each month to make it easier to keep track.

August 23, 2016
Surgery Day



September 1, 2016
9 days post surgery
 



October 1, 2016
39 days post surgery


Even though I had a humbling (and sobering) look in the mirror last night at the barre, I'm making great progress. My next doctor's appointment  is October 13 and I will consider that my official weigh-in 6 weeks (or so) post surgery. It should be noted that my home scale says I have lost a bit more than 30 pounds since surgery, and a bit more than 45 pounds since mid-July. I've got a long way to go, but I'm feeling better and looking better. Except for when I leave barre class, then I'm just a hot Southern mess. 

Kids, Please Try and Stay Away from the Baby Food... I know it is Tempting

Today I went to see my doctor for my two-week (16 day) post-op checkup. I was ready for the verdict. I've been doing exactly what I was supposed to do -- walking every day, only drinking ( non-alcoholic, much to my chagrin) liquids and drinking my water. Today was my official first post-op weigh-in. Drum roll please......

I have lost 19.5 pounds (according to his scale) since the surgery August 23!! (and yes, I know I posted a 20 pound weight loss earlier this week, but I am going by his official scale-- even though I don't really want to.) Since mid-July, I am down 34.5 pounds! WOOT WOOT!!! 

He said I was doing very well and he was as close to pleasant as I've ever seen him. (That's definitely a post for another time...his bedside manner may be lacking a bit.) Just ask any of his patients or the nurses who treat his patients. But he's the best bariatric surgeon around, and has a zero infection rate.

Best news of all, I got to move on to phase II of the post-op diet. The delightful, delectable and delicious pureed food stage. (Cue the angels singing.) This includes runny oatmeal, yogurt, cottage cheese, egg beaters, pureed soups, pureed fruits and pureed vegetables. Oh, and mashed potatoes for a starch. Only in small quantities-- I'm talking about 1/4 cup to 1/2 cup.

I wanted to be prepared to eat such yummy goodness, so I went to the grocery store as soon as I left the doctor. I got all kinds of fantastic foods--cottage cheese, soups to puree, green beans and baby food. Wait, what? Yes, I bought baby food. When my kiddos were babies, I always tasted everything I fed them. I didn't want to give them gross baby food (which some it definitely is-- I'm talking to you, pureed chicken and rice-- yuck.) Anyway, I remembered the fruits and sweet potatoes weren't bad, so I got some peaches, bananas and sweet potatoes. I thought that might be easier than just pureeing everything, especially when I go back to work next week. (Plus, you guys know me, if I can purchase it instead of making it, I will.)

I came home and cooked some green beans and pureed those. Look at me, I'm a regular Rachael Ray/Martha Stewart/Pioneer Woman. Except those women are thin. And richer.

Oh, and I also ate the best damn yogurt ever. Seriously. Here it is...

It was like heaven in a 4 ounce cup. I sprinkled a little vanilla protein powder in there and voila! I have never been so damn excited to have yogurt. And I've also never been so damn full. WOW! WTF? 4 ounces filled me up so much. It's a Christmas miracle!!!!

I also ate dinner with my family at the table - a first in about 2 1/2 weeks. I cooked them a delicious dinner of pork chops, cinnamon apples, mashed potatoes, gravy and biscuits (those were from a can - my specialty!) It might have been better than fried chicken, which  is my favorite. Okay, that's total bullshit, but still, it was heavenly to feel like a normal person sitting down with my family for dinner. 

I walked 3.5 miles this morning with a friend and it was awesome to catch up and enjoy one of our city's many green lines. All in all, today was a good day. I had delicious food (it's all relative), I watched a little Netflix, I walked and visited with a friend, I cooked dinner and ate it at the table with my family. Tomorrow, I just may dig into that baby food. 

(Nearly) Two Week Update: Keeping Busy Just Watching People Eat

It's been a busy Labor Day weekend for the Ray Family, but I've made it pretty well. I have to say I've gotten a lot of sleep at night in order to keep up, but I've done it. I don't seem to have too much stamina right now, but I am sure that comes back. (Everyone I've talked to who has had this done says it does, so I have faith.)

On Friday night, we went to the Briarcrest football game. Tripp's in the 5th grade now and "everybody is there, Mom" so we went. God forbid we mess up our kids' social lives. I really don't mind it all that much, but it is a different experience for me. I grew up in a small town -- shout out to Halls, TN! -- and Friday nights were all about going to the high school game. Social event of the week! When I was in junior high (no, not middle school) I was a cheerleader and the HJH cheerleaders sold game programs. Still, social event of the week. Then, from 9-12 grade, I was a cheerleader on the sidelines, so I've never watched much football from the stands. (Well, I now watch Tripp and Zane when they play, but never just watched a high school football game as a fan.) It's a bit awkward and honestly, makes me feel like I'm trying to figure out my social status. You have to time when you get there -- can't get there too early, then you look too eager to fit in. Can't get there late because the kids will have a coronary about being late and "missing everyone!!" So you have to time it just right. Then, it is time to move up into the stands. OH MY GOD, the pressure. Seriously. It's such a weird feeling standing at the bottom of the bleachers looking up trying to spot someone you know -- that actually has room by them for you. It's nerve-wracking. Honestly, it also feels a little bit like Mean Girls. No one makes me feel this way per se, but I have a slight panic attack thinking "am I cool enough to sit there?" It's a lot of pressure. But of course, all of that pressure subsided when I saw several other folks I knew and sat with them. (Truth be told, I saw A LOT of people I knew.) The weather was beautiful, the Saints won and my kids' social lives were still in tact. Whew!

Saturday, Tom and the boys joined me on a walk. We started at Cameron Brown Park and then walked part of the Germantown Greenline along Wolf River. It was a nice hour-long walk without cell phones or television or bottle flipping. Yes, I said bottle flipping. It seems the kids these days love to flip bottles and try to land them in various ways. So I now know what I'm getting Tripp for Christmas... I'm going to spend $4 for a case of water at Kroger. Beats the heck out of the Playstation I was gonna get.

Saturday night, we went to the Memphis Tigers home opener with some other families. And while I made it just fine, let me just tell you that tailgating while on phase 1 of the gastric sleeve diet sucks. I mean it sucks. I wasn't hungry, but just watching everyone eat tailgate food- chicken fingers, chips and dips- sucked. But I made it. All in all, it was a good night. Kids had fun, adults had fun (who knew you could go to a tailgate and a football game and not have alcohol to drink?), and the Tigers won!!

The game just about wore me out -- well, maybe it was the hundreds of stairs I had to climb because I bought the Kroger $5 tickets -- so I slept late on Sunday. It was delightful. Then I decided to go to Tripp's baseball practice to watch a bit and walk with another mom. I have been walking everyday and it was nice to have some company.

Today, we went to a cookout with some of Tripp's baseball team. This family has four boys (God love them, they are busy and so nice and fun!) and they have an awesome pool. I just sat out by the fan and talked and watched all of the boys have fun. Then it was time to eat. Yep, you guessed it, that part kinda sucked. So I drank my iced tea. Again, I wasn't hungry, but it was just weird not eating when everyone else was. Oh well, I made it and everyone had a great time.

I went for a walk when I got home -- didn't want to skip a day -- and then cooked dinner for my mom and family. Cooking dinner is weird because I can't taste anything. I hope it tasted good!

Tomorrow will be 2 weeks since my official weigh-in for surgery. I am happy to report that I am down 20 pounds!! WOOT WOOT!!!!  I go back for my official two-week visit on Thursday (though that will actually be 16 days) and he should release me to go back to work next Tuesday. But the best part is, I get to move on to phase 2 of my diet - yogurt, oatmeal and other pureed foods. It will be a red letter day on the calendar, as my friend Toni Z. says!

Food and the act of eating is a very social thing. And though I feel a bit awkward not eating when everyone else is, I know that it is temporary. I've tried to make sure my family isn't affected negatively by this change in my life, and so far, I think it's been okay on them. I know this is a journey and these phases are temporary, but everyone is so understanding. I appreciate the support, it truly has made the difference.

Prep Day. All Systems Go!

And the award for best (legitimate) use of the poop emoji goes to.... Dawn Ray! 

That's right, folks, I am in the prep stage of my gastric sleeve surgery and that means a liquid diet full of broth, water, juice and a little yumminess called magnesium citrate to cleanse my colon. (hence the poop emoji.) 

This morning I went to the doctor to weigh in for surgery (like a boxing or a UFC fight, but with no paparazzi) and I was down 15 pounds! When my surgery was scheduled nearly 6 weeks ago, I was told I had to lose 12 pounds. So I got started right away. Cut out alcohol (mostly, I've had only 4 glasses of wine in that time) and began eating the way I should be. And I did it! I lost the 15 pounds. Truthfully, I could have lost a bit more but I was terrified I would lose too much and then the doctor wouldn't do the surgery. And I've already committed to doing this and gone through all of the emotions, so I didn't want that to happen. 

This weekend I tried to go about things as usual and prepare to be in the hospital and Tom asked me what I wanted my "last meal" to be. (Gotta say, it did feel like prison a bit.) So last night, my family and I went to Five Guys and I enjoyed a burger, fries and a diet coke. It was good, but it didn't taste as good as I wanted it to. The only thing I can guess is that it tasted the same, but my mind was stronger than the taste and I'm finally prepared for this surgery. Prepared to drink broth and liquid for 2 weeks and then pureed and soft foods. Prepared to give up diet coke. Prepared to limit my alcohol intake. And then when I can eat foods again, I will just eat smaller portions. I've got this! 

I sat there while Tom explained to the boys why I was doing this and they both understood. Tripp's answer was understanding that mom wanted to be healthy (and not just skinny, but healthier.)  Zane understood that Mom wants to be around a long time like Mama Sue and help take care of my grandkids one day. They were very mature and understanding about it. And supportive. I was touched and maybe cried a little. (but just maybe.) I'm fortunate and blessed to have such supportive loved ones in my life. The support from my friends and coworkers has been amazing. I'm ready to get this show on the road! 

Dawn Ray of Sunshine's Mail Bag

I’m completely overwhelmed. As I have read through the Facebook comments, messages, personal phone calls and texts I received (and even the hallway conversations at school and work), I have been touched by the outpouring of support, love and encouragement I have received from so many amazing people. I have to say, I never expected it would reach so many people and would strike such a chord.

I wrote that blog post mainly for me—writing helps me process my thoughts and since I’ve struggled with this for some time, I thought it would be cathartic for me. I had no idea it would help others. I’ve heard from so many kinds of people-- those who are currently and have struggled with the same food issues or similar food issues, those who have had the surgery (or some type of bariatric procedure) done in the past, and those who were just touched and supportive of me. I’ve heard from family, friends, former co-workers and bosses, best friends, fellow BCS school moms and sports moms, fellow former daycare moms and casual acquaintances. I’ve been called brave and strong. People have told me they are proud of me, will be praying for me and will be my cheerleader. I’ve been thanked for my candor and transparency for bringing a private issue into the conversation. I’ve even been called a badass (best. compliment. ever.)

 Frankly, I can’t help but feel a bit selfish as I look back on this post. I It has gotten a lot of attention, and it wasn’t intended to do that, but it has made me realize a few things:

·         I am not brave. To me, people who overcome things that are beyond their control are brave. I’m scared to death, but I know I can do it.

·         People can be awesome. (Sure, they can also be assholes but this post has restored my faith in humanity and people.)

·         Lots of people struggle with food and weight issues (and not just overweight people.) Yes, even those skinny mamas I see wearing tennis skirts and those running shorts. I know they work hard to look good, even though they may struggle like I do. (Y’all know I love my skinny mamas!)

·         What an awesome tribe I have. Family, friends, everyone, from all over.

·         My husband is even more of a saint than I thought. Yep, I know y’all are shaking your head right now agreeing with me. I mean, here I am, putting my personal weight struggles up on a blog for everyone to see. This will be a huge life change for him. Y’all pray for him too!

 I’ve also been getting a lot of questions (which I appreciate) and other comments, so I thought I would attempt answer them. Kinda like Dawn Ray of Sunshine’s Mail Bag.

What kind of surgery is it?

I am having gastric sleeve or a laparoscopic sleeve gastrectomy. You can google it, but essentially, here’s what you need to know. They take out approximately 70% of your stomach and leave you with a “pouch” for a stomach. The result looks like a “sleeve,” hence the name. My new stomach will be MUCH smaller than before – much like the size of a child’s stomach.

Is it permanent?

Yes, once they remove my stomach laparoscopically (through my belly button), they can’t put it back in. Ain’t no turning back once it’s out!

Wait, what?

Yep, you heard me correctly. That’s what they do. If you want to see the surgery for yourself (I personally HAD to watch it!!!) Then here you go… (WARNING! It is VERY graphic and shows the actual surgery from the inside of the body as it occurs.) You may have seen more graphic things on Grey’s Anatomy, but consider yourself warned.

 But you don’t look like you need this surgery.

Bless your heart. That’s so sweet (and dumb/naïve) of you.  I do. Trust me.

 You can’t possibly be that much overweight that you need surgery?

Again, bless your heart. I need to lose about 100 pounds or more according to my BMI (I haven’t set a weight target just yet.) And trust me, they won’t do this surgery if you just need to trim up and lose a few pounds. It is for the morbidly obese (and yes, as much as I want to cry typing that phrase,  I am considered that.)

There is a range that you have to meet in terms of your BMI to qualify for this surgery. I am on the lowest range, but I still qualify. (That means I’m fat enough for the surgery)

 What’s the recovery like?

If all goes well, I will be in the hospital for one night only. Then I will be home to recover. I will be off work for three weeks. You are welcome to come enjoy some broth with me. I plan to have many flavors.

 So what can you eat after surgery?

For the first two weeks, I will be on a liquid diet (mostly broth) and then slowly transition to a pureed food diet and then to soft foods. After 8 weeks, I will be able to transition to a low fat diet. (You know, the kind we should all be eating anyway.)

You don’t need to do something so drastic, you just need to exercise and walk more, or eat less.

I realize this statement is coming from a place of love and concern, but no shit. We all need to walk and exercise more and eat less. (and I’ve heard this multiple times and I realize no one means any offense.)

Isn’t this taking the easy way out?

Is that even a question?

What can I do for you and your family?

Mostly, please send good vibes and pray for not only me, but for my family – all of us. This will be tough on everyone but I have vowed to make this as seamless for them as possible. So yes, if we have plans that revolve around food, the Ray Family will still be there. I just may be drinking my broth or some protein shake. (I also may not come right at first, so please don’t be offended.)

Can I bring your family dinner?  

This is such a true display of Southern hospitality and love, one for which I am immensely grateful. I have had several people ask if they can and it is honestly hard to say no. (I’ve tried saying no and some of our friends just weren’t having that answer.) I will have plenty of meals from Hope’s Dinner on Demand stocked in my freezer and Tom is an excellent cook. But if you want to bring Tom and the boys something, we would greatly appreciate it. Please just coordinate with either one of us after I’ve been home a few days.

 

Again, I am overwhelmed at this support. You are all badasses.  

Cute Running Shorts that Don't Fit, Turning 40 and Other #BS

Why I've decided to have weight-loss surgery

I just want to wear those stupid Nike/Under Armor/whatever brand running shorts in a regular size. You know the ones... they aren't too short and come in cute colors. You can't walk through Academy or Dicks or Target without tripping over them. They are a sports mom staple, the summertime equivalent of yoga pants. And dammit, I want to wear them.

It seems like a small thing, really. But my butt doesn't fit in them-- even the largest women's size they have at the store doesn't fit . And dammit, I want to wear them.  

I've been on a journey since the beginning of the year to focus on ME. And of course, in the requisite soul-searching you have to do when you turn 40 (OMG, how am I 40?!??!) my physical appearance has risen to the top as one of those focuses.  

I've spent a lot of time trying to get my $h!t together and figure out my weight issues (beyond just eating and drinking way too much.) I've tried to seek out patterns as to my eating habits, analyze my favorite foods and drinks, actually pay attention to my alcohol intake, but even more so, I've tried to determine why I eat what I eat.

I've gotten to a weight the last few years of which I am not proud at all. (Maybe one day I will have the courage to write that number down, but today is not that day.) My weight and the focus on myself go hand-in-hand and if I don't do something about it, I frankly won't have much of a future. I've thought long and hard about how to tackle this issue and I've come to a life-altering decision: I've decided to have weight loss surgery.

I freaked out early on and decided this decision wasn't for me. "It was too life-altering," I said. "I can't go without Diet Coke for the rest of my life," I said. "No alcohol for an entire year? NO WAY!" "I'll never be able to sit down and have a beer and a burger again," I said.  (Seriously, I considered those good reasons over my health?) Of course those were all excuses, and frankly, excuses have plagued me my entire life when it comes to my health and weight. But after some long conversations with Tom, and a few close friends, some serious soul searching, prayers and a few tears,  I have decided to go through with it. My surgery is scheduled Tuesday, Aug. 23. 

Coming to this decision has not been easy. I've had to endure countless medical appointments, visits with my physicians (which always have the embarrassing trip to the scale), a session with a therapist who specializes in food addiction and other eating disorders, a real conversation with a nutritionist, and lots of heart-to-hearts with my husband. Each time, I've been asked why I wanted to have weight loss surgery and I've finally come to the conclusion that  it's not a WANT for me, but a NEED. I can't possibly think of anyone who would WANT to have 70% of his/her stomach permanently removed! 

I even had to write a personal essay to my insurance company about why I felt this surgery was the best choice for me. And  while I have a lot of reasons, I came to the conclusion the WHOs in my life are my WHYs.

We've all heard the phrase, "you can’t judge a book by its cover." In my forty years on this Earth, one of the things I’ve learned for sure is that although your parents may teach you not to, many people do indeed judge a book by its cover. For an overweight person, no truer words have ever been spoken. Sure, some folks can see past the extra pounds and those who truly love you love what’s on the inside. But first impressions are everything, and we so often see the “outside” of a person first.

I’ve struggled with my weight most of my life, but it never really mattered much to me until the last few years. I had always accepted that I was “heavy set” and “big boned.” (Truthfully, I think I've hidden behind being the funny fat girl for most of my life, but that's a blog post for another time.)

But eleven years ago, my life changed forever when our first son, Tripp, was born.  Wow! What a life changer for both me and my husband. Being a parent is the hardest -- and most rewarding -- job I’ve ever had. It’s also the most exhausting. I was able to get most of the baby weight off when Tripp was born, but truthfully, I was still about 30 – 40 pounds overweight.

In 2010, we were blessed with another son, Zane. At first, the pregnancy weight was coming off and then it stalled. That’s when I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. And though I take synthroid, I’ve struggled to lose and keep weight off ever since.

Today, Tripp is 11 and Zane is 6. They are very active in sports: baseball, soccer, football and basketball. We are teaching them the importance of an active lifestyle full of sports and outdoor activity, but truthfully, I am exhausted. I can’t keep up. I know my weight is the main culprit of this.

They are at the ages now where they are aware of my weight struggles and frankly, that I don’t look like most of the other moms (skinny ones.) Of course, they love me anyway, but one day, I'm afraid they are going to take notice and be embarrassed of me. That is heartbreaking to me. I want to be there for them. I want to live a long and healthy life- to see them fulfill their dreams and to see my grandchildren. Tripp and Zane are my why.  

I have a wonderful support system in my husband, Tom. He is patient and kind with a loving heart and he loves me at any weight. In our 16 years of marriage, he’s watched me lose and regain weight multiple times. He knows the struggle I face. And he's ready to support me in this decision.

While the most important people in my life are part of my why for wanting this weight loss surgery, I am truly my biggest why. I spend a lot of time doing things for others. And I love that. But I turned 40 this year, and as I look back on those years, I’ve only been happy with the way I’ve looked just a few times in my life.

I am also very career-driven and ambitious. At times, I've felt my size has kept me from achieving some of my career goals. I am a communications director and have made communications my life’s passion, as well as my career. I spend the majority of my time at work creating communications strategies and tactics for well-known brands and encouraging others to communicate effectively. I believe that communications is everything and everything communicates. My weight certainly communicates something about me, and frankly, impacts the first impression I have on others. I can present the most creative communications strategies, but if people can’t see past my extra pounds, I likely have a hard time convincing them of my expertise.

It is an ugly truth. People do judge a book by its cover, and my cover happens to carry plenty of extra pounds. And while I have always “carried my weight well,” I want to break the cycle in my life of losing and regaining weight. I want to keep up with my sons and set a good example for them. I want to be confident in taking photos with my family so Tripp and Zane can look back at their childhood memories and say, “wow my mom was beautiful inside and out.” I want to feel better, and yes, of course, look better. For Tripp and Zane. For Tom. But mainly, for ME.

I am my why. Period. It's my body and my health and I have to be comfortable. And right now, I'm not. But I'm freakin' scared. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't. I'm terrified of what's ahead, but I've talked to some wonderful people who have gone through this and have been willing to share their story with me. 

I'm planning on blogging about my journey, in true dawn ray of sunshine fashion (ahem, #nobullshit.) I'll give you the good, the bad and the ugly. 

And yes, I'm going to wear those stupid running shorts! So stay tuned, friends. It's gonna be a hell of a ride.