A Slightly Different Kind of Post for Me- A business one with a big word in the title

Recently I've been working on beefing up my company's Linked In profile to help us with business development. I was inspired to write my own post about leadership and management and thank one of my role models. Here's the post. I hope you enjoy 

The Magnanimous Manager

How to be more than “just a boss”

I’ve worked a full-time job now for nearly 20 years, and as you can imagine, I’ve had a variety of bosses during that time. I’ve only worked four places, but in those four companies, I’ve seen a lot of different boss personalities come and go, and truthfully, only a handful of them are some that I would consider leaders. Even further, not all of them were leaders for the better. 

Recently, I’ve been reflecting on those bosses that have come through my life and realizing what an impact they made on me, both positively and negatively. Relationships really matter to me and I’ve had a relationship with each and every one of my bosses throughout my career – for better or worse. I am also a student of the people who surround me, so I truly believe you can learn something—good and bad – from everyone in your life. I recently got a new job with a lot of responsibility and a pretty big title, and honestly, I don’t want to mess it up. So I’ve been drawing inspiration from some of my past managers as to how to be a better boss, and ultimately, a better leader. And not only for the team, but for the organization too. I’ve also been thinking back on some of the not-so-great managers I’ve had and trying not to repeat their mistakes.

One of the most influential managers I have ever had the privilege to work under – and alongside -- is someone who I will refer to as the “magnanimous manager.” I’ve chosen not to name him by name because he is very humble and I don’t want to embarrass him in any way. I’ve learned a lot of things from this leader over the years and even though I haven’t worked for him for a few years now, his words oftentimes pop into my head throughout the day- in team meetings, project meetings or even one-on-one meetings with my team. And I will confess, I have modeled my leadership style after him. Heck, I even stole the word magnanimous from him. (For the record, it means “very generous or forgiving, especially toward a rival or someone less powerful than oneself.” Other descriptors include benevolent or big-hearted, but magnanimous just sounds cooler and more intellectual, doesn’t it? And yes, when he used it several years ago, I had to look it up.) Did I mention he’s one of the smartest people with which I have ever worked?

Of course, I certainly haven’t reached the level of “magnanimous manager” as this gentleman, but I am striving for it every day. All of this reflection about my former bosses has me thinking about what really makes a magnanimous manager. What really takes someone from being “just a boss” to a true manager who is generous and forgiving, or even more, what makes someone a magnanimous leader? What do those type of managers do that others don’t? How did the magnanimous manager in my life make such an impact on me and so many others around him? How has he been so successful in his career, but also contributed to the success of so many others, as well as the organization’s?

I’m sure he’s got a secret sauce to his leadership style, but I noticed several qualities during my decade or so working with him. I’ve shared them below so we can help spread the magnanimous manager movement:

• They praise in public and discipline in private: It’s a parenting mantra I read in some child-rearing books when my oldest son was little, but it also applies here. If scolding is needed, a magnanimous manager will do so behind closed doors, not in the weekly team meeting in front of your colleagues. Praise for a job well done, however, is handled in front of the group. That can be either in person at the team meeting, or even via email. Either way, the praise is made in front of others. That action tells you and everyone else that he/she has taken notice.

• Their praise is genuine: It’s not enough to simply tell someone they’ve done a good job. The praise must be genuine. The magnanimous manager doles out sincere praise at the appropriate time and at the appropriate pace. Meaning, he/she doesn’t send an e-mail of praise every time you do your job. Sure, they take notice, but they know the praise really counts the most when it is genuine and it is for something you worked your ass off to accomplish. They notice when you’ve gone “above and beyond” your regular job, and they also know that the appropriate praise at the right time fosters your loyalty.

• They lift up those below them:  This one seems so obvious, but not all bosses help their team members succeed. This notion seems counterproductive to me, but I’ve worked for a few bosses who just didn’t seem to be interested in it. I’m not sure if the reasoning behind it was because they were somehow threatened by the success of others or if they just had no interest in helping those beneath them, but trust me, it was a miserable journey. To say it is debilitating and discouraging to everyone is a severe understatement. And it can have devastating results that lead to a toxic workplace culture. But when a magnanimous manager lifts up those beneath him/her, the entire team can conquer anything.

•  When others go low, they go high: Yep, I stole that one from Michele Obama, but it is a beautiful sentiment and one that a real leader must do. It’s easy to get sucked in and join the trash talk, but a magnanimous manager doesn’t get sucked into that. They know that words can be damaging and long-lasting, so while someone may be trash talking their way through a lunch or post-meeting, the magnanimous manager listens and lets the person vent, all the while staying above the trash talk.

• They are generous: Generosity can take many forms, but in this case, I’m talking about the words a manager uses with his/her employees. One of my former bosses (other than the one I mentioned above) used to talk about generous language and how it can impact a person. She practiced generous language on a regular basis, preached it to her team and she was definitely right about it. As a communications professional, I’m very aware that words matters and frankly, they can last a long time. So a magnanimous manager is careful with their words and is generous with the feedback, particularly the feedback that can be tough to give. A magnanimous manager can give you the toughest feedback you have ever gotten in your career, but somehow when it is all said and done, you come out feeling better about the situation than when you went in. Words are powerful and generous feedback can be life-changing. I know it was in my experience.

•  But they know when NOT to be generous: Simply, they believe in tough love. And sometimes that means not using generous language when giving feedback. As my dad used to say, sometimes you just need a good, swift kick in the rear to get you moving. And that’s exactly what a magnanimous manager does. They know the balance of generous language, and a good (figurative) swift kick in the you-know-what. And they are honest, even when it hurts.

• They treat you as an equal: Sure, your boss makes more money than you (likely A LOT more) and probably has stock options, a bigger bonus, a company car and perks you’ve never even dreamed of, but a magnanimous manager doesn’t ever brag about those things. In fact, they may never even discuss them at all. They can talk to you about the most complex issues and also have a detailed conversation about the seemingly mundane. The particular manager I’m referencing used to talk to me about cutting his own grass on his John Deere tractor. Yep, you read that correctly. This man had a huge responsibility at work, aggressive goals to meet and myriad appointments, meetings and travel, yet still found time to mow his own lawn. He said it gave him time to himself to relax and think about nothing but moving in straight lines. Now, don’t get me wrong, he would talk about the other things in his life, including even some of the perks, but that was after we got to know each other pretty well and I asked. He never offered up that information.

• They tell you when it is time to move on: This is a tough one because bosses never want to lose great employees, but a magnanimous manager will tell you when it is time to move on and take a better opportunity, whether it is with your current company or not. It doesn’t necessarily mean they will share inside information with you, but they will look out for your best interest, even if that means it is at another company.

•  They are human: This one is really simple, but they act like a human being – and not a boss. They know your kids’ names (or at least that you have kids!) They ask you about your weekend. They engage in conversation about things that matter to you and your team – who won the game over the weekend, the brackets in the office Final Four Challenge, how your new puppy is doing or where you are going on your summer vacation. They are involved with their employees on a level than just project updates, budget maintenance and approvals. They know what’s going on and have an acute awareness when an employee needs that interaction. A magnanimous manager knows the right balance of human and boss can make all the difference in the world.

Of course, I have many more stories and anecdotes about my magnanimous manager (some of them involve wine, tapas, a rattlesnake, Starbucks chocolate chip scones and various other things) and I oftentimes wonder if he knows what an impact he had on me and my leadership style. He’s definitely been a role model for me and I will consider myself successful if I can be half the magnanimous manager he was and still is. So thanks for the guidance, friendship and leadership, magnanimous manager. It did not go unnoticed.

Ctrl + Alt + Delete

Ctrl + Alt + Delete. It's my favorite computer command. Anytime my computer freezes up, I finagle my fingers around the keyboard and punch those three keys. And voila! I get options...  I can log off, change my password or even, my personal favorite- "start task manager." It may not be the proper term, but I use this to reboot or reset my computer.  

After my last visit to the doctor, you will recall that I needed a reboot. A bit of a do-over. A reset.  After I had those ugly cries, I went to see the nutritionist. She was so helpful and really served as much of a psychologist as anything else. She gave me some great ideas as to a variety of things to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and we talked through expectations. (Truly, this was something of which I was in desperate need.)  She also gave me permission to relax and not be so hard on myself. I really think I needed that. From someone I considered a professional. It was a relief. 

The next day, I got my mind in high gear and I planned out my foods and prepped them. I took my snacks and lunches to the baseball games with me, and exercised like I had been doing. And I have kept it up. I just needed a reboot. 

I heard from so many friends and family members, some great words of encouragement, kinship and love. One of those came through Facebook, from someone with which I went to high school. She now lives in Ohio and I honestly can't even remember the last time I saw her in person, but I keep up with her on Facebook. She wrote me the nicest, most encouraging message that touched me deeply. She told me about a podcast she listens to called "Revelation Wellness"and it is grounded in Christianity and walks you through exercise with some scripture along the way. But more than that, she told me "Dawn, you are enough." Those four words hit me like a truck. She was right. I am enough. And I hated that I forgot that. I hated that my doctor's unkind truth and lack of bedside manner made me feel horrible about myself. I AM ENOUGH! Thanks, Rebecca, for reminding me. 

Those words have been in my head since I got that message from her. On Thursday, I decided to get on the scale. In addition to doing what I knew I needed to do, I had my mind right again. And I lost 3.5 pounds in a week! I am under no illusion that it is going to be easy. There are going to be bumps and detours, and maybe even some fender-benders on this road, but the beauty is, I can get right back on it. I can ctrl + alt + delete at any time. 

So it's time for my March photo, but first, indulge me in a little story. I've always admired runners. I am amazed as you effortlessly run down the sidewalk with your iPod, mostly looking like you're not even sweating. Or how you run 5ks in 15 seconds and then grab a beer at the finish line. How you post pics of you in an ice bath after a "long run."  Especially how you train for months and months and months and run a marathon. It's always been mesmerizing to me. I long to have a "runner's high" (for just about anything, honestly.) I've tried to run before, but it never seemed to catch on. 

Well, this Saturday, March 11, 2017 was a milestone for me. I went to the gym to get in a workout and I decided to see how long I could run on a treadmill without stopping. I set my mind to get to 1/2 mile. Once I got there -- and didn't die -- I decided to push it to see if I could run 3/4 of a mile. Once I got there -- and didn't die -- I decided to go for a mile. A WHOLE MILE! WITHOUT STOPPING!! And I did it!!!! And guess what!?!?!?! I didn't die!!! 

It felt great!!! I paused the treadmill and took a photo to send to Tom. And you know what, I realized I WAS enough. No matter how many pounds I have or haven't lost, I just ran a mile without stopping. Of course, it took me 16 minutes, but still. I was enough. And for now, a 16-minute mile was enough! 

So for March's progress photo, I'm showing you my post-workout self. Sweaty, but victorious! 

A Victory Photo
A 16-minute mile never felt so good! 

And it might be my favorite photo yet! I'm strong, confident and enough. Thanks for the encouraging words, Rebecca Walden, they have been in my head constantly and have meant so much to me.And you're right, it's not about how many pounds I've lost, or how fast my mile was, it's about me. About being healthier for my family and enjoying life with them. It's about me having more energy to see my kids do the things they love. About me hitting ctrl + alt + delete and resetting. But most importantly, it's about me being enough. 

Ugly Cries are the Worst (And I didn’t even watch the Notebook)

Everyone is entitled to a good cry now and again. We all have them. You know the one I’m talking about, too - the ugly cry. Where your eyes are puffy the rest of the day and your face is red and blotchy. The “I just watched ‘The Notebook’ ugly cry.” When I began to document this journey on my blog, I promised you the good, bad and the ugly. Well, I had an ugly cry today. Twice in fact. All before 9:30 am. and it lived up to its descriptor (Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams not included.) It. Was. Ugly.

(Depending on how you know me and how long you have known me, this news will either confirm what you know about me or shock you as I fall into one of two categories for people that know me- I cry all the time (as in when I was in elementary school) or I never cry (as in something happened to me in adulthood and I became a person who doesn’t even cry when most people cry. It’s weird.) But it is who I am and I have no in between, really.

First, let me just say, I’m not asking for your sympathy. Everyone cries, I understand that. Everyone has bad days, and in reality, the reason I ugly cried will sound ridiculous to some of you. Heck, it would normally sound ridiculous to me. You all have been amazing to me over this journey and your support has meant so much to me, and while I appreciate even the thought of your sympathy for my crying today, spare me. Your sympathy is not what I need right now.

Today I had my six-month post-gastric sleeve checkup, and never could I have ever imagined that losing weight would make me feel like a complete and utter failure. But I do. (Hence, the ugly cry.)

First of all, I will tell you that I had some anxiety about this doctor’s visit. I didn’t sleep well last night and I’ve been dreading this visit for a couple of weeks. Why, you ask? Well, I don’t get on the scale too often, but when I did over the last couple of months, I noticed my weight wasn’t going down the way it once was. I was stalled. So I tried to push that out of my mind—sometimes I can compartmentalize like a dude (sorry fellas), and I apparently did. I just buried it on down somewhere and chose not to deal with it. I knew the reasons why the weight wasn’t coming off like it had been, but I pushed them down deep into a place in my brain I don’t visit often. And I convinced myself that everything was fine. But it wasn’t.

So here goes… the reason for the ugly cry is that in three months, I have only lost four pounds. And that, according to my doctor, is a complete failure and I have done poorly. I have “reverted back to the same bad habits that got me here in the first place.” And as much as I hate to say it, he is right. (Ugh, that tasted like vinegar just typing it.) He’s right. That’s why I was compartmentalizing it. I knew I wasn’t doing things right. I knew I had lost focus. And I knew this doctor’s appointment would be the day of reckoning.

Now, before I ugly cry again, let me say that losing four pounds in 3 months is MUCH better than gaining any weight. (Well, not according to my doctor; he said it is the same as gaining and the four pounds doesn’t really count. But I can guarantee I would have cried a heck of a lot more had I gained some weight.) 

And after nearly 12 hours of processing this and feeling sorry for myself, I know that this is all going to be okay. I know that I will be okay. And I get it. I have lost a lot of weight—70 pounds!!!! If anyone would have told me that a year ago I would not have believed them. So what’s the problem??? Statistics show that the weight you lose from months 3-9 indicate how successful you will be going forward. So what about the first 3 months? According to the doctor, “it’s easy to lose weight the first 3 months because we cut out your stomach,” so going back after 3 months and having only lost 4 pounds in 3 months is a failure. And if I stay on this track, I will have failed at this surgery. But more importantly, I will have failed myself. So, while I was considering it a huge success that for the first time EVER in my life I didn’t gain weight from Thanksgiving until New Year’s, I actually failed. Miserably. And the sad part is, deep down, I knew it. I didn’t need my doctor to tell me that.

And sure, I have excuses. Always do. Excuses are what got me here in the first place. But instead of giving you excuses, dear friends, I will give you the reasons why I have let this happen. I’ve actually known them all along—remember, I buried them deep in my brain!) Today, I was forced to confront them. And I confronted them with an ugly cry.

So, let me outline the reasons (not excuses) for this “poor performance”:

•  I got lazy with the food prep: this gets me every time. We’ve got people going all over the place in our house – sports, school, work, sometimes travel for work and I’ve been focusing on making exercise a part of my regular life and some days I feel lucky just have gotten dressed and out the door on time. So yep, I got lazy with the food prep. And I grabbed what was in the fridge. And I didn’t always grab the right thing. And chips. So… chips.

•  I totally forgot I had a nutritionist at my disposal… How could I have forgotten this? That’s what she is there for. DUH!!! I was struggling with the right things to eat and a nutritionist was there for me the whole time.  As I have reflected on this, I know exactly why I forgot about the nutritionist. It’s because I associate everyone and everything in that office with the doctor- and I want to see him as little as possible. So I put the nutritionist out of my mind. Also, I thought I could do this myself. “Hahhahaha! Yet again, Dawn, you can’t do it by yourself, you silly fool!” And to answer your question, yes, I’m going to see the nutritionist. 

• I found the candy bucket: “My stomach is small, so a little small piece of candy won’t do any harm, will it?” Yes, Dawn, yes it will. (Of course, one little piece of candy every once in a while doesn’t hurt anything. But it adds up. And I’m proof.) Result? I have given up candy for lent. ☺

• I convinced myself that what I was doing was enough: “You are exercising, so you can have a couple of French fries or a cookie at night. Or a small piece of cake. The exercise will take care of it.” No, it won’t. If I eat that way, I will NOT lose weight. PERIOD.

• I convinced myself that exercising was going to take care of it: One bright note in all of this is my exercise habit. I will say that I am very proud of my exercise regime. I am exercising 4 days a week (usually 5) and I don’t hate it. But exercising isn’t enough. And I know that. It seems I was so focused on patting myself on the back for exercising that I lost focus on the other stuff- like making good food choices. And … chips.

• I didn’t make smart food choices:  see candy bucket, chip consumption and cake confession above.

• I had no goal:  for me, I think this might have been the biggest one. I need a goal to work toward. Since surgery, my doctor hasn’t given me a goal. He’s said vague things like “everyone loses at different rates, so you might lose anywhere from 70-80 percent of your excess body weight within a year.” I thought I was doing so well the first 3 months that I would just keep on going and would eventually get to a goal. But I needed a tangible GOAL in MEASURABLE terms. I don’t deal with “excess body weight percentages” or even BMI. I deal with and understand pounds!! And that’s what I have needed.

I’ve been playing with a goal in my mind for a while and now I’m committing to it the way we do it in 2017, with a hashtag… #100byJune24 – that’s 16 weeks and 2 days from today – 114 days. I picked June 24 because it is my birthday and a date I can work toward. And hashtags are the new language we all talk in and seem to keep you accountable. 114 days?? I’ve got this.

And this last reason is a tough pill to swallow, but the truth always is…

·        Hubris (simply put, I got cocky): here I am, losing so much weight, so quickly. Looking good. Got some new clothes (I just bought a large shirt y’all, a LARGE!!!) 😃 Getting so many compliments, and I got cocky. “Sure, I can have a glass of wine. Just one won’t hurt.” WRONG! (insert your favorite Donald Trump WRONG meme here.) I gave myself permission that I could, but that certainly didn’t mean that I should.

Now pride is a good thing. But hubris is a dangerous thing. Ultimately, it’s what killed Walter White on Breaking Bad. (If you are a regular reader of my blog, you know I consider that to be one of the best shows ever made.) Sure turning into a drug kingpin didn’t do him much good, but his hubris – his overwhelmingly excessive pride and self-confidence that he wouldn’t get caught -- is ultimately what killed him. He had more than enough money to ensure his family was taken care of, but his pride at making the best meth and taking control of the entire meth ring was what ultimately led to his death. Come to think of it, it was a major character flaw for Don Draper on Mad Men also. (well that, alcohol and being a sexist womanizer.)  Damn! Did I not learn anything from Walter White and Don Draper??!?!?!?!

Of course I realize these examples are a bit dramatic, but are an example of how excessive pride can impact you to the point of no return. That, and I always seem to find flawed male TV characters oddly relatable.)

So that’s it. That’s why I ugly cried. (Truthfully, I still may again one more time today.) And ’m not mad at my doctor- well, I still kind of am because he is a complete a$$hole, but I’m really mad at myself more than anything. But I guess I had to learn the hard way—seems that is always the case, huh?

But after today I will move on. I will hit the reset button. My husband reminded me in all of this blubbering ugly crying that every journey is filled with bumps, detours and sometimes even crashes along the way. And that’s what this is, just a bump and a slight detour. It’s definitely not a crash.

And as we always tell our kids when they have a bad day—the best thing about tomorrows is that you can start over. You can hit the reset button. So that’s what I’m going to do. Because I can. In the end, Walter White couldn't do that.