No Communion for YOU! (insert Seinfeld reference here): a First Week Update

It’s been one week since my gastric sleeve surgery and I’ve had many observations over the last 7 days.  Behold, I bring you random thoughts by Dawn Ray of Sunshine.

The hospital bed is amazing after you sit up for 9 straight hours directly after surgery (got in the room at 9:30 a.m. and sat up until 6:30 p.m.) I also walked the floor five times or so. That hospital bed was as comfortable and luxurious as a Waldorf Astoria bed (channeling my former industry) – it was comfy and it could be moved up and down to my liking. If only the TV had the premium channel package. (Probably a good thing because I wouldn’t have remembered much of it anyway.)

Pain meds are delightful, get them. I know some people just can’t take pain meds, but as someone who seems to have surgery a lot, I highly recommend them if you can. I wasn’t very lucid during my stay at Methodist Germantown Hospital (it’s such a wonderful and caring place with attentive nurses and other patient care staff!) and I can thank the drugs for that. Apparently the drug of choice this round was Dilaudid – and it could definitely tell when it went through my iv. WOW. I forgot all about the incisions in my stomach, but was still lucid enough to carry on a conversation and make some sense, though now I can’t remember much about what I said, so apologies to anyone I texted while in the hospital.  

It’s weird to think that my stomach can only hold 5 ounces or so. I mean, seriously, that’s strange. I am getting used to the idea and I’m also getting used to the feelings in my stomach. Sometimes I can’t tell if it is empty or I just drank too big of a sip of water. Or I just need to burp.

I haven’t been hungry. Not once. That is the oddest thing of all. I am ALWAYS hungry. I’m not even really thirsty, but I know I have to drink in order to stay hydrated. And I'm ALWAYS thirsty, as my friend Pam reminded me yesterday, "that's weird because you always have a drink in your hand...." (did she mean an alcoholic drink or just a drink or both? I'll never tell!) When the surgery is performed, they remove 70% of your stomach. There is a hunger hormone called Ghrelin that gives us “hunger pangs.” That hormone is in high concentration in the part of the stomach they removed, hence the reason I’m not really hungry. (Yep, I’ve been reading up on the interwebs, so I’m totally qualified to talk about it!) Once I thought I was hungry, but I just had to burp. True story.

I miss chewing. I think just to have something to do with my mouth – other than talk. I’ve always heard smokers have to do something after they give up cigarettes so sometimes they eat candy or chew gum or eat more. So, I will need to figure that piece out. It doesn’t really hit me that much, it is just out of habit.  

I can’t even have a tiny bit of food, not even a crumb. And I don't even want it. I couldn't even take Holy Communion at church on Sunday! Yep, that’s right. I couldn’t even take the body of Christ and dip it into the blood of Christ. But somehow, I think God is okay with it. J I'll hit you up next time, Hope Church!

I don’t know how you stay-at-home moms do it! Mad props to you!! I’ve been  super busy at home. And as much as I might want to, I can’t just sleep my medical leave away. My doctor’s orders are to get up and move as much as I can and don’t sleep the day away. I have managed to sneak in some Netflix and a nap here and there. I’ve been driving this week, too, shuttling kids to school and practice. It’s a lot of on-the-go.

I feel better each day and I’m not as sore. I haven’t weighed myself yet, but I can definitely tell a difference each day when I get dressed. (CRAZY to think that I’m losing weight by the day.)

I know I still have a very long road ahead of me, but I’m doing well. So far, I’m very glad I did this!!!

It Always Comes in Threes...

Here I am about 8 hours after surgery. 

It's day 4, post-surgery, and I'm feeling pretty good. I've certainly learned a lot over the last few days, mainly that my husband is the badass in my family and I'm not sure what I would do without him. He had a very trying day yesterday, so I want to give mad props to him for keeping it  -- and this family -- together. He is amazing.

They say it comes in threes, so here's hoping, we are done after last night. Allow me to recap.

1. The first is just normal post-surgery stuff. I was discharged late Wednesday night and boy, was I ready to get home. I didn't sleep well the nigh before in the hospital, I had to sit up all day in the chair and walk (I did that right after my surgery also) so I was ready to get in my own bed. Finally rolled into bed about 7 and went to sleep at 8:30 p.m. And boy, what a great sleep it was. I was very sore when I woke up Thursday morning, but very happy to see my own bedroom when I opened my eyes.

2. But then I heard something. At first, I thought it was me hearing things from the pain meds I had taken. It was a dripping noise. Then I thought it was something one of the boys was doing-one of them always has a ball, bottle or something they are pitching, flipping, juggling.
I walked out into the kitchen to a good portion of our kitchen ceiling on the floor due to a water heater leak directly upstairs. Water was everywhere.

Tripp sprang into action and go some buckets to catch the leak, and I went about my business and helped the kids navigate the wet kitchen for breakfast. Tom sprang into action and called the contractor to get it cleaned up as immediately as possible.

During all of this chaos, I tried to take my medicine for the first time. At the hospital, they do something so lovely and just put it in your iv. But now I'm home, and I'm on my own. As a gastric sleeve patient, it is important to remember that your stomach (or pouch as they call it) is only five ounces. So, you can't gulp or even take really big drinks, especially on day three. I have several meds to take each day-- synthroid, old school anti-anxiety Prozac and something to help with the stomach acid. If it is a pill, it has to be very small, or you can crush it or cut it up. I cut it up, but apparently not enough. After about 2 minutes of taking my meds, I threw up. Damn, it hurt.

I went back to bed for a couple of hours while my badass husband took care of everything in the house, including taking the kids to school, and at 9 a.m., he woke me up. It was time to rise and shine and sit up, do some walking and get down my 5 ounces every hour. (That doesn't seem hard, but it is VERY hard to do.) Since the plumber was there and we didn't have any hot water, he took me to my mom's to recuperate and take a shower. It was, possibly, one of the best showers I've ever had.

I walked, watched some Netflix, took a snooze and felt tons better.

3. It was a very busy night for Tripp and Zane last night with football, so we had some arranging to do. Tom also had to go to parents meeting at school for Tripp. He picked up Tripp, dropped off Zane and brought Tripp home to do homework. On his way back to Briarcrest to watch Zane in his first football scrimmage, he was in a little fender bender. Thankfully, no one was injured and the vehicles were drivable. But boy, what an end to a day!

 

Tom's truck is the one on the left.

 

 

Thankfully, everyone is fine and these are true #firstworldproblems if I've ever seen them. But still annoying nonetheless. And there is never a perfect time, but maybe it could have been a little better timed!?!

 

As I write this now, I have plumbers installing a new water heater and the sheetrock guys are fixing my kitchen. I'm working at getting down my 5 ounces each hour. I'm a bit sore in my stomach (I have 5 small incisions) and frankly, I have gas from them inserting the air into my stomach during the procedure. But everything is just fine.

 

It's so weird because I'm not hungry at all. I haven't had a bit of solid food since Sunday evening and I'm not hungry. I'm also trying not to freak out that my stomach is gone! (Holy crap!!!!) Well, I still have 5 ounces of it left, but it's so weird to think about. I'm still on liquids, and today I ventured and had 5 ounces of a protein shake. It was delicious.

 

I truly am blessed to have such a wonderful support system. So many people have reached out to me and I promise you, I can feel the prayers and good vibes coming my way. My family has been well fed, thanks to some great friends, and the calls and text messages are so appreciated. My team at work sent my beautiful flowers yesterday and they really brightened my day.

 

Please continue to send those prayers and vibes Tom's way. This has been a tough week for him and yesterday he proved his badassery (is that a word?) 



Prep Day. All Systems Go!

And the award for best (legitimate) use of the poop emoji goes to.... Dawn Ray! 

That's right, folks, I am in the prep stage of my gastric sleeve surgery and that means a liquid diet full of broth, water, juice and a little yumminess called magnesium citrate to cleanse my colon. (hence the poop emoji.) 

This morning I went to the doctor to weigh in for surgery (like a boxing or a UFC fight, but with no paparazzi) and I was down 15 pounds! When my surgery was scheduled nearly 6 weeks ago, I was told I had to lose 12 pounds. So I got started right away. Cut out alcohol (mostly, I've had only 4 glasses of wine in that time) and began eating the way I should be. And I did it! I lost the 15 pounds. Truthfully, I could have lost a bit more but I was terrified I would lose too much and then the doctor wouldn't do the surgery. And I've already committed to doing this and gone through all of the emotions, so I didn't want that to happen. 

This weekend I tried to go about things as usual and prepare to be in the hospital and Tom asked me what I wanted my "last meal" to be. (Gotta say, it did feel like prison a bit.) So last night, my family and I went to Five Guys and I enjoyed a burger, fries and a diet coke. It was good, but it didn't taste as good as I wanted it to. The only thing I can guess is that it tasted the same, but my mind was stronger than the taste and I'm finally prepared for this surgery. Prepared to drink broth and liquid for 2 weeks and then pureed and soft foods. Prepared to give up diet coke. Prepared to limit my alcohol intake. And then when I can eat foods again, I will just eat smaller portions. I've got this! 

I sat there while Tom explained to the boys why I was doing this and they both understood. Tripp's answer was understanding that mom wanted to be healthy (and not just skinny, but healthier.)  Zane understood that Mom wants to be around a long time like Mama Sue and help take care of my grandkids one day. They were very mature and understanding about it. And supportive. I was touched and maybe cried a little. (but just maybe.) I'm fortunate and blessed to have such supportive loved ones in my life. The support from my friends and coworkers has been amazing. I'm ready to get this show on the road! 

Dawn Ray of Sunshine's Mail Bag

I’m completely overwhelmed. As I have read through the Facebook comments, messages, personal phone calls and texts I received (and even the hallway conversations at school and work), I have been touched by the outpouring of support, love and encouragement I have received from so many amazing people. I have to say, I never expected it would reach so many people and would strike such a chord.

I wrote that blog post mainly for me—writing helps me process my thoughts and since I’ve struggled with this for some time, I thought it would be cathartic for me. I had no idea it would help others. I’ve heard from so many kinds of people-- those who are currently and have struggled with the same food issues or similar food issues, those who have had the surgery (or some type of bariatric procedure) done in the past, and those who were just touched and supportive of me. I’ve heard from family, friends, former co-workers and bosses, best friends, fellow BCS school moms and sports moms, fellow former daycare moms and casual acquaintances. I’ve been called brave and strong. People have told me they are proud of me, will be praying for me and will be my cheerleader. I’ve been thanked for my candor and transparency for bringing a private issue into the conversation. I’ve even been called a badass (best. compliment. ever.)

 Frankly, I can’t help but feel a bit selfish as I look back on this post. I It has gotten a lot of attention, and it wasn’t intended to do that, but it has made me realize a few things:

·         I am not brave. To me, people who overcome things that are beyond their control are brave. I’m scared to death, but I know I can do it.

·         People can be awesome. (Sure, they can also be assholes but this post has restored my faith in humanity and people.)

·         Lots of people struggle with food and weight issues (and not just overweight people.) Yes, even those skinny mamas I see wearing tennis skirts and those running shorts. I know they work hard to look good, even though they may struggle like I do. (Y’all know I love my skinny mamas!)

·         What an awesome tribe I have. Family, friends, everyone, from all over.

·         My husband is even more of a saint than I thought. Yep, I know y’all are shaking your head right now agreeing with me. I mean, here I am, putting my personal weight struggles up on a blog for everyone to see. This will be a huge life change for him. Y’all pray for him too!

 I’ve also been getting a lot of questions (which I appreciate) and other comments, so I thought I would attempt answer them. Kinda like Dawn Ray of Sunshine’s Mail Bag.

What kind of surgery is it?

I am having gastric sleeve or a laparoscopic sleeve gastrectomy. You can google it, but essentially, here’s what you need to know. They take out approximately 70% of your stomach and leave you with a “pouch” for a stomach. The result looks like a “sleeve,” hence the name. My new stomach will be MUCH smaller than before – much like the size of a child’s stomach.

Is it permanent?

Yes, once they remove my stomach laparoscopically (through my belly button), they can’t put it back in. Ain’t no turning back once it’s out!

Wait, what?

Yep, you heard me correctly. That’s what they do. If you want to see the surgery for yourself (I personally HAD to watch it!!!) Then here you go… (WARNING! It is VERY graphic and shows the actual surgery from the inside of the body as it occurs.) You may have seen more graphic things on Grey’s Anatomy, but consider yourself warned.

 But you don’t look like you need this surgery.

Bless your heart. That’s so sweet (and dumb/naïve) of you.  I do. Trust me.

 You can’t possibly be that much overweight that you need surgery?

Again, bless your heart. I need to lose about 100 pounds or more according to my BMI (I haven’t set a weight target just yet.) And trust me, they won’t do this surgery if you just need to trim up and lose a few pounds. It is for the morbidly obese (and yes, as much as I want to cry typing that phrase,  I am considered that.)

There is a range that you have to meet in terms of your BMI to qualify for this surgery. I am on the lowest range, but I still qualify. (That means I’m fat enough for the surgery)

 What’s the recovery like?

If all goes well, I will be in the hospital for one night only. Then I will be home to recover. I will be off work for three weeks. You are welcome to come enjoy some broth with me. I plan to have many flavors.

 So what can you eat after surgery?

For the first two weeks, I will be on a liquid diet (mostly broth) and then slowly transition to a pureed food diet and then to soft foods. After 8 weeks, I will be able to transition to a low fat diet. (You know, the kind we should all be eating anyway.)

You don’t need to do something so drastic, you just need to exercise and walk more, or eat less.

I realize this statement is coming from a place of love and concern, but no shit. We all need to walk and exercise more and eat less. (and I’ve heard this multiple times and I realize no one means any offense.)

Isn’t this taking the easy way out?

Is that even a question?

What can I do for you and your family?

Mostly, please send good vibes and pray for not only me, but for my family – all of us. This will be tough on everyone but I have vowed to make this as seamless for them as possible. So yes, if we have plans that revolve around food, the Ray Family will still be there. I just may be drinking my broth or some protein shake. (I also may not come right at first, so please don’t be offended.)

Can I bring your family dinner?  

This is such a true display of Southern hospitality and love, one for which I am immensely grateful. I have had several people ask if they can and it is honestly hard to say no. (I’ve tried saying no and some of our friends just weren’t having that answer.) I will have plenty of meals from Hope’s Dinner on Demand stocked in my freezer and Tom is an excellent cook. But if you want to bring Tom and the boys something, we would greatly appreciate it. Please just coordinate with either one of us after I’ve been home a few days.

 

Again, I am overwhelmed at this support. You are all badasses.  

Cute Running Shorts that Don't Fit, Turning 40 and Other #BS

Why I've decided to have weight-loss surgery

I just want to wear those stupid Nike/Under Armor/whatever brand running shorts in a regular size. You know the ones... they aren't too short and come in cute colors. You can't walk through Academy or Dicks or Target without tripping over them. They are a sports mom staple, the summertime equivalent of yoga pants. And dammit, I want to wear them.

It seems like a small thing, really. But my butt doesn't fit in them-- even the largest women's size they have at the store doesn't fit . And dammit, I want to wear them.  

I've been on a journey since the beginning of the year to focus on ME. And of course, in the requisite soul-searching you have to do when you turn 40 (OMG, how am I 40?!??!) my physical appearance has risen to the top as one of those focuses.  

I've spent a lot of time trying to get my $h!t together and figure out my weight issues (beyond just eating and drinking way too much.) I've tried to seek out patterns as to my eating habits, analyze my favorite foods and drinks, actually pay attention to my alcohol intake, but even more so, I've tried to determine why I eat what I eat.

I've gotten to a weight the last few years of which I am not proud at all. (Maybe one day I will have the courage to write that number down, but today is not that day.) My weight and the focus on myself go hand-in-hand and if I don't do something about it, I frankly won't have much of a future. I've thought long and hard about how to tackle this issue and I've come to a life-altering decision: I've decided to have weight loss surgery.

I freaked out early on and decided this decision wasn't for me. "It was too life-altering," I said. "I can't go without Diet Coke for the rest of my life," I said. "No alcohol for an entire year? NO WAY!" "I'll never be able to sit down and have a beer and a burger again," I said.  (Seriously, I considered those good reasons over my health?) Of course those were all excuses, and frankly, excuses have plagued me my entire life when it comes to my health and weight. But after some long conversations with Tom, and a few close friends, some serious soul searching, prayers and a few tears,  I have decided to go through with it. My surgery is scheduled Tuesday, Aug. 23. 

Coming to this decision has not been easy. I've had to endure countless medical appointments, visits with my physicians (which always have the embarrassing trip to the scale), a session with a therapist who specializes in food addiction and other eating disorders, a real conversation with a nutritionist, and lots of heart-to-hearts with my husband. Each time, I've been asked why I wanted to have weight loss surgery and I've finally come to the conclusion that  it's not a WANT for me, but a NEED. I can't possibly think of anyone who would WANT to have 70% of his/her stomach permanently removed! 

I even had to write a personal essay to my insurance company about why I felt this surgery was the best choice for me. And  while I have a lot of reasons, I came to the conclusion the WHOs in my life are my WHYs.

We've all heard the phrase, "you can’t judge a book by its cover." In my forty years on this Earth, one of the things I’ve learned for sure is that although your parents may teach you not to, many people do indeed judge a book by its cover. For an overweight person, no truer words have ever been spoken. Sure, some folks can see past the extra pounds and those who truly love you love what’s on the inside. But first impressions are everything, and we so often see the “outside” of a person first.

I’ve struggled with my weight most of my life, but it never really mattered much to me until the last few years. I had always accepted that I was “heavy set” and “big boned.” (Truthfully, I think I've hidden behind being the funny fat girl for most of my life, but that's a blog post for another time.)

But eleven years ago, my life changed forever when our first son, Tripp, was born.  Wow! What a life changer for both me and my husband. Being a parent is the hardest -- and most rewarding -- job I’ve ever had. It’s also the most exhausting. I was able to get most of the baby weight off when Tripp was born, but truthfully, I was still about 30 – 40 pounds overweight.

In 2010, we were blessed with another son, Zane. At first, the pregnancy weight was coming off and then it stalled. That’s when I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. And though I take synthroid, I’ve struggled to lose and keep weight off ever since.

Today, Tripp is 11 and Zane is 6. They are very active in sports: baseball, soccer, football and basketball. We are teaching them the importance of an active lifestyle full of sports and outdoor activity, but truthfully, I am exhausted. I can’t keep up. I know my weight is the main culprit of this.

They are at the ages now where they are aware of my weight struggles and frankly, that I don’t look like most of the other moms (skinny ones.) Of course, they love me anyway, but one day, I'm afraid they are going to take notice and be embarrassed of me. That is heartbreaking to me. I want to be there for them. I want to live a long and healthy life- to see them fulfill their dreams and to see my grandchildren. Tripp and Zane are my why.  

I have a wonderful support system in my husband, Tom. He is patient and kind with a loving heart and he loves me at any weight. In our 16 years of marriage, he’s watched me lose and regain weight multiple times. He knows the struggle I face. And he's ready to support me in this decision.

While the most important people in my life are part of my why for wanting this weight loss surgery, I am truly my biggest why. I spend a lot of time doing things for others. And I love that. But I turned 40 this year, and as I look back on those years, I’ve only been happy with the way I’ve looked just a few times in my life.

I am also very career-driven and ambitious. At times, I've felt my size has kept me from achieving some of my career goals. I am a communications director and have made communications my life’s passion, as well as my career. I spend the majority of my time at work creating communications strategies and tactics for well-known brands and encouraging others to communicate effectively. I believe that communications is everything and everything communicates. My weight certainly communicates something about me, and frankly, impacts the first impression I have on others. I can present the most creative communications strategies, but if people can’t see past my extra pounds, I likely have a hard time convincing them of my expertise.

It is an ugly truth. People do judge a book by its cover, and my cover happens to carry plenty of extra pounds. And while I have always “carried my weight well,” I want to break the cycle in my life of losing and regaining weight. I want to keep up with my sons and set a good example for them. I want to be confident in taking photos with my family so Tripp and Zane can look back at their childhood memories and say, “wow my mom was beautiful inside and out.” I want to feel better, and yes, of course, look better. For Tripp and Zane. For Tom. But mainly, for ME.

I am my why. Period. It's my body and my health and I have to be comfortable. And right now, I'm not. But I'm freakin' scared. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't. I'm terrified of what's ahead, but I've talked to some wonderful people who have gone through this and have been willing to share their story with me. 

I'm planning on blogging about my journey, in true dawn ray of sunshine fashion (ahem, #nobullshit.) I'll give you the good, the bad and the ugly. 

And yes, I'm going to wear those stupid running shorts! So stay tuned, friends. It's gonna be a hell of a ride.