Please Allow Me Time for a Pity Party

I promised you sarcastic rays of sunshine, the good, the bad and the ugly about this surgery and the journey. And so far, it’s been mostly good. But, since I promised you the truth (with a little sass), here it is. I’m struggling right now. And I have been over the last few days. It’s been tough. It’s hard to articulate and put into words exactly why it has sucked over the last few days, but it has. I will try to explain. It’s time for me to have a pity party.

First, there is the planning. I’ve moved on to phase three of my post-op diet, and frankly, it’s been the most challenging. I would have honestly thought that only drinking broth in shot glasses and 5 ounces of protein shakes at a time would have been worse, but that was much easier. I could just grab my juice/water/Crystal Light/protein shake and go. And for a busy working mama, that was easy. (Well, It was also easy because I was off work and had time to prepare the foods and drinks.) Now, I have to take my little cooler wherever I go, with my yogurt/soft lunch meat/tuna/soft pasta/egg beaters, because Lord knows you can’t really go up to the concession stand at the baseball or football field and order any of that.

Second, it is the eating itself. I’m just figuring it all out. I have to eat slowly, and that is a challenge for me. If I eat too fast, it hurts. When it hurts, it doesn’t taste good. And the drinking, drinking is a pain in the ass. (And I’m not even talking about that I can’t have alcohol.) I’m talking about drinking water—wait, sipping. That’s what I have to do now. Doesn’t matter how hot and thirsty you are, you have to sip. Because if you don’t, you guessed it, it hurts. Guess I couldn’t even physically chug a beer even if I was able.

Lastly, eating is just plain tedious now. It isn’t enjoyable in the least, but something I have to do so I won’t get lightheaded and pass out. I know that the food I so much enjoyed eating made me completely miserable after I ate it, but it was good while I was eating it. There was a social aspect to it; I derived some satisfaction from it. Now, it is work. I have to concentrate on chewing each bite-- 10 times!. I have to set aside 30 minutes to eat a meal—who has 30 minutes to eat a meal?!?!?!?!?! I really would have thought I would be more satisfied eating actual food, but I’m not. Frankly, it is just tedious.

I hope I don’t sound ungrateful. I’m really not. And I’m not regretting having the surgery, but right now, I’m just venting and I needed to have a pity party for myself. And I also need to not hurt when I accidentally drink too much water.

Comfortable in My Own (Saggy) Skin

It’s been four weeks today since I had this life-changing surgery, so I wanted to do a quick update.

Total pounds lost:  29 since surgery August 23 (Holy crap) and 44 total since Mid-July.

Hunger Level: None (so weird) I do have to eat, though, because I will realize I am a bit light-headed and need something to eat. Don't need to pass out.

Food activity: I’m currently at the end of phase 2, which consists of protein shakes, pureed soups and pureed foods. On Thursday, I get to move to soft foods, non-pureed soups, and other yummy treats. That should make eating out with my family (which I haven’t done since surgery) a little easier.

Energy Level: getting better, but still not at 100%. I tend to feel pretty good in the am, but start dragging around 3 p.m. (so not much brilliance coming out of my brain at work around that time… or ever for that matter.)

Satisfaction level with surgery: VERY satisfied. It has really been a relatively smooth transition for me, considering the big changes that have been made. I do admit it is a daily struggle, mostly just due to the amount of preparation and planning while I am in this stage of the diet. Also, I have to schedule my exercise with work and the kids’ activities. But I’m getting it done. Nearly a month out, I am VERY glad I did this surgery.

Wardrobe plan: obviously, I am having some wardrobe challenges right now with the rapid weight loss – and I’m certainly not complaining! But good news! I held on to several sizes of black pants, tops and a few dresses, so I will have able to get back in to some of those and will soon. I’m trying not to buy too many pieces right now and make do with what I have in my closet. (Luckily, I have several sizes in my closet!) It’s a process that’s for sure. So if you see me in the same thing I wore last week, don’t judge.

Quirks: I’m learning how to eat again. I know that sounds weird, but what I mean is, I’m retraining my brain on eating too fast. I’ve always been a fast eater, and that just can’t happen anymore. When I do eat fast, I can tell. It feels like I may throw it up, but that’s not healthy. So I just have to retrain myself to slow down. It’s a weir sensation to look at your food container and see you’ve only eaten 4 small spoons full of pureed green beans and feel like you are about to lose it. But it is my new normal.

Being around others while they eat: for the most part, being around others during this time hasn’t bothered me too much. But yes, it has bothered me a bit. Not so much at home when I’m with my family, but being at a social event or gathering. I have only been to a restaurant one time and that was with Tom this past Saturday night. We went to Panera so I could enjoy some soup. Maybe not the best Saturday dinner for him, but at least we sat at a table and ate together. The weird thing is knowing what to do while you aren’t eating and everyone else is. Tom said it should be pretty obvious to do what I do best—TALK. (isn’t he funny?) I’m trying that and it is a little awkward, but I’m getting there.

Deep Thoughts: I’ve also been thinking a lot lately about how I got to this phase in my life where I let my weight and eating habits get away from me. Truly, I’ve always been pretty comfortable in my own skin and of course “have carried my weight well,” but I’ve been trying to pinpoint a few instances where it really bothered me and I said ENOUGH!  Two of my “fat memories” occurred in the first 18 years of my life and have stuck with me until this day.
We all have those memories that stick out in our head and here are two times that I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin.

I was in the 8^th grade and it was right after the junior high prom. I had gotten word that my date – who was just a friend of mine – told a few folks that my face was fat. He just mentioned my face being fat, not anything else. It bothered me for a bit, and I got my feelings hurt, but I seemed to have moved on from it. (Ok, if I’m blogging about it maybe I didn’t really move on from it.)

I’ve written about the high school football game anxiety in the past, and frankly, it began with a “fat” experience.  I’ve mentioned I was a cheerleader and had never really attended a high school game where I wasn’t on the sidelines or had another “task” to accomplish. I was a freshman in college and – as all freshmen do – decided to attend a high school football game at my alma mater. So I did, with several other high school friends. We were sitting up in the bleachers talking to a few other folks that were still in high school and the score had been pretty tight. Late in the game, the visiting team scored, putting them on top.  Someone said, “well, it’ ain’t over ‘til the fat lady sings.” To which someone replied, “sing, Dawn. SING!” I was mortified. I was embarrassed. I was furious. It was the last football game I went to until Tripp had to attend the varsity game at Briarcrest for elementary night four years ago. That awful body-shaming comment stuck with me and I finally realized after many years the reason it did is because I was depressed. The first two years of college were depressing for me, and honestly, I should have been seeing a therapist. I didn’t have a boyfriend (with no dates or prospects for dates), didn’t have that many friends in college and was depressed. (Again, a post for another time.)

Like most women, I hate how I look in pictures. I can find a flaw in nearly every photo and frankly, can be pretty hard on myself. I don’t think I am alone in this practice. But this picture of us on our 16^th wedding anniversary in May was the final straw for me.

Our 16th Wedding Anniversary. Tom looks nearly identical to the day we got married. Me, not so much!

 

Sure, we aren’t dressed up and are heading to a baseball game. Sure, I don’t have any makeup on. Sure, we are sitting on the tailgate of a pick up truck. But honestly, I was taken aback. I tried to make excuses: It must be the shirt. It must be the lighting. It must be how I was sitting. It must be that I’m not wearing makeup. No, it was me. I finally realized this was what others saw when they saw me. It was the most uncomfortable in my skin I had ever been. Surgery was something I had to do. I had my doubts before, but I finally realized that it was the only way I could be healthier. I had to do it.

 
Now, four weeks post-surgery, I am healthier and I’m certainly more comfortable in my own skin. It’s a long journey and I have a long way to go, but I’m in it for the long haul. I’m doing better physically, but also mentally. Guess I will just have to get even more comfortable in my own (saggy) skin.

Kids, Please Try and Stay Away from the Baby Food... I know it is Tempting

Today I went to see my doctor for my two-week (16 day) post-op checkup. I was ready for the verdict. I've been doing exactly what I was supposed to do -- walking every day, only drinking ( non-alcoholic, much to my chagrin) liquids and drinking my water. Today was my official first post-op weigh-in. Drum roll please......

I have lost 19.5 pounds (according to his scale) since the surgery August 23!! (and yes, I know I posted a 20 pound weight loss earlier this week, but I am going by his official scale-- even though I don't really want to.) Since mid-July, I am down 34.5 pounds! WOOT WOOT!!! 

He said I was doing very well and he was as close to pleasant as I've ever seen him. (That's definitely a post for another time...his bedside manner may be lacking a bit.) Just ask any of his patients or the nurses who treat his patients. But he's the best bariatric surgeon around, and has a zero infection rate.

Best news of all, I got to move on to phase II of the post-op diet. The delightful, delectable and delicious pureed food stage. (Cue the angels singing.) This includes runny oatmeal, yogurt, cottage cheese, egg beaters, pureed soups, pureed fruits and pureed vegetables. Oh, and mashed potatoes for a starch. Only in small quantities-- I'm talking about 1/4 cup to 1/2 cup.

I wanted to be prepared to eat such yummy goodness, so I went to the grocery store as soon as I left the doctor. I got all kinds of fantastic foods--cottage cheese, soups to puree, green beans and baby food. Wait, what? Yes, I bought baby food. When my kiddos were babies, I always tasted everything I fed them. I didn't want to give them gross baby food (which some it definitely is-- I'm talking to you, pureed chicken and rice-- yuck.) Anyway, I remembered the fruits and sweet potatoes weren't bad, so I got some peaches, bananas and sweet potatoes. I thought that might be easier than just pureeing everything, especially when I go back to work next week. (Plus, you guys know me, if I can purchase it instead of making it, I will.)

I came home and cooked some green beans and pureed those. Look at me, I'm a regular Rachael Ray/Martha Stewart/Pioneer Woman. Except those women are thin. And richer.

Oh, and I also ate the best damn yogurt ever. Seriously. Here it is...

It was like heaven in a 4 ounce cup. I sprinkled a little vanilla protein powder in there and voila! I have never been so damn excited to have yogurt. And I've also never been so damn full. WOW! WTF? 4 ounces filled me up so much. It's a Christmas miracle!!!!

I also ate dinner with my family at the table - a first in about 2 1/2 weeks. I cooked them a delicious dinner of pork chops, cinnamon apples, mashed potatoes, gravy and biscuits (those were from a can - my specialty!) It might have been better than fried chicken, which  is my favorite. Okay, that's total bullshit, but still, it was heavenly to feel like a normal person sitting down with my family for dinner. 

I walked 3.5 miles this morning with a friend and it was awesome to catch up and enjoy one of our city's many green lines. All in all, today was a good day. I had delicious food (it's all relative), I watched a little Netflix, I walked and visited with a friend, I cooked dinner and ate it at the table with my family. Tomorrow, I just may dig into that baby food. 

(Nearly) Two Week Update: Keeping Busy Just Watching People Eat

It's been a busy Labor Day weekend for the Ray Family, but I've made it pretty well. I have to say I've gotten a lot of sleep at night in order to keep up, but I've done it. I don't seem to have too much stamina right now, but I am sure that comes back. (Everyone I've talked to who has had this done says it does, so I have faith.)

On Friday night, we went to the Briarcrest football game. Tripp's in the 5th grade now and "everybody is there, Mom" so we went. God forbid we mess up our kids' social lives. I really don't mind it all that much, but it is a different experience for me. I grew up in a small town -- shout out to Halls, TN! -- and Friday nights were all about going to the high school game. Social event of the week! When I was in junior high (no, not middle school) I was a cheerleader and the HJH cheerleaders sold game programs. Still, social event of the week. Then, from 9-12 grade, I was a cheerleader on the sidelines, so I've never watched much football from the stands. (Well, I now watch Tripp and Zane when they play, but never just watched a high school football game as a fan.) It's a bit awkward and honestly, makes me feel like I'm trying to figure out my social status. You have to time when you get there -- can't get there too early, then you look too eager to fit in. Can't get there late because the kids will have a coronary about being late and "missing everyone!!" So you have to time it just right. Then, it is time to move up into the stands. OH MY GOD, the pressure. Seriously. It's such a weird feeling standing at the bottom of the bleachers looking up trying to spot someone you know -- that actually has room by them for you. It's nerve-wracking. Honestly, it also feels a little bit like Mean Girls. No one makes me feel this way per se, but I have a slight panic attack thinking "am I cool enough to sit there?" It's a lot of pressure. But of course, all of that pressure subsided when I saw several other folks I knew and sat with them. (Truth be told, I saw A LOT of people I knew.) The weather was beautiful, the Saints won and my kids' social lives were still in tact. Whew!

Saturday, Tom and the boys joined me on a walk. We started at Cameron Brown Park and then walked part of the Germantown Greenline along Wolf River. It was a nice hour-long walk without cell phones or television or bottle flipping. Yes, I said bottle flipping. It seems the kids these days love to flip bottles and try to land them in various ways. So I now know what I'm getting Tripp for Christmas... I'm going to spend $4 for a case of water at Kroger. Beats the heck out of the Playstation I was gonna get.

Saturday night, we went to the Memphis Tigers home opener with some other families. And while I made it just fine, let me just tell you that tailgating while on phase 1 of the gastric sleeve diet sucks. I mean it sucks. I wasn't hungry, but just watching everyone eat tailgate food- chicken fingers, chips and dips- sucked. But I made it. All in all, it was a good night. Kids had fun, adults had fun (who knew you could go to a tailgate and a football game and not have alcohol to drink?), and the Tigers won!!

The game just about wore me out -- well, maybe it was the hundreds of stairs I had to climb because I bought the Kroger $5 tickets -- so I slept late on Sunday. It was delightful. Then I decided to go to Tripp's baseball practice to watch a bit and walk with another mom. I have been walking everyday and it was nice to have some company.

Today, we went to a cookout with some of Tripp's baseball team. This family has four boys (God love them, they are busy and so nice and fun!) and they have an awesome pool. I just sat out by the fan and talked and watched all of the boys have fun. Then it was time to eat. Yep, you guessed it, that part kinda sucked. So I drank my iced tea. Again, I wasn't hungry, but it was just weird not eating when everyone else was. Oh well, I made it and everyone had a great time.

I went for a walk when I got home -- didn't want to skip a day -- and then cooked dinner for my mom and family. Cooking dinner is weird because I can't taste anything. I hope it tasted good!

Tomorrow will be 2 weeks since my official weigh-in for surgery. I am happy to report that I am down 20 pounds!! WOOT WOOT!!!!  I go back for my official two-week visit on Thursday (though that will actually be 16 days) and he should release me to go back to work next Tuesday. But the best part is, I get to move on to phase 2 of my diet - yogurt, oatmeal and other pureed foods. It will be a red letter day on the calendar, as my friend Toni Z. says!

Food and the act of eating is a very social thing. And though I feel a bit awkward not eating when everyone else is, I know that it is temporary. I've tried to make sure my family isn't affected negatively by this change in my life, and so far, I think it's been okay on them. I know this is a journey and these phases are temporary, but everyone is so understanding. I appreciate the support, it truly has made the difference.