The Right Sermon at the Right Time

This past Sunday, I went to church and heard a sermon that I needed to hear. Hope Church’s Senior Associate Pastor, Dr. Eli Morris, delivered the message entitled “My Favorite Track Meet.” You see, the sermon series is on “Faves” and Eli is a self-proclaimed track and field nut, so it was only fitting that he spent Sunday morning talking about this often-overlooked sport.

And whether you are religious or not, Christian or not, or a sports fan or not, the theme of the entire sermon is applicable to your life, I promise. Of course, Eli meant for the “track meet” to parallel your path with God and the journey of Christianity, but it spoke to me about my weight loss journey and transformation process. I took copious notes on the outline and even saved the outline to look back at later. I don't do that with sermon notes very often. 

I’ve been struggling a bit lately (again—no one said this was going to be easy) and I’ve been searching for the answers to a few challenges I’ve been having. I’m fighting for every pound lost right now, and sometimes, I feel the fight in me waning a bit. This sermon hit me square on the head and was exactly what I needed.

Here are a few key points he made and the ones that hit home for me. I think they are applicable to everyone and I hope they help you handle an issue you may be facing:  

• We step off the track because we get distracted by other things. Boy, do we! I have been distracted recently by lots of other things: stress at work, kids and their busy schedules, trying to figure out how to get everything done and the list goes on and on. It is endless. But it is always going to be that way. I just have to assess the situation, adjust and figure out how to get back on track.

• The cost of staying on track seems too great: Again, hit me like a hammer on my head. I sometimes get tired of meal prepping for just me. I prep for breakfast and lunch, and usually dinner. It takes time and it is a hassle. But it is something I have to do. So I just need to suck it up, take a few minutes and prep my meals. It is as simple as that.  

•  We get off the track because we settle: we settle for less because we say things like “well, it’s better than what it used to be.” I’ve been thinking this for a while when trying to determine what my final goal weight will be. I’m happy where I am not, but I want to lose a little more to get to my final goal weight. But I have to be honest, sometimes I’m just ready to be done. And I think “well, this weight is fine. It is better than what it used to be.” NO! I’m not going to settle just yet. It isn’t fine. I am better than fine.

• So why should we get back on track and push on? During this section, Eli talked a lot about character, stewardship and your legacy by doing the right thing. But honestly, the thing that stuck out to me most was that nothing compares to the right thing. NOTHING! Think about that for a second. It’s easy to do the wrong thing (and the “wrong thing” can be whatever applies to you—for me lately, it has been not taking the time to prep my meals or have the right foods in the house. I have just been lazy and get tired of doing it over and over again.) But it is the “right” thing for me to do and I just need to go it and get back on track.

His final thoughts were perhaps the most powerful for me. He addressed how to stay the course, when faced with adversity. This scripture just may be my new favorite. 

“Let us strip off anything that slows us down or holds us back, and especially those sins that wrap themselves so tightly around our feet and trip us up; and let us run with patience on the particular race that God has set before us.” Hebrews 12:1-2

Eli encouraged us to “discard the baggage” (strip off anything that slows us down) in order to stay on the course. In previous blogs, I’ve discussed some of the baggage I’ve discarded over the last year or so: the negative relationships I’ve had in my life (including that very negative relationship I had with food,) bad habits that I have formed for 40 years, the laziness that led to lack of exercise, just to name a few. But that verse tells us to strip off anything that slows us down or holds us back. ANYTHING! Bad habits, actions you shouldn’t be doing, negative people- anything.  

He also talks about taking little steps to stay the course. He referred to some days as “Quick Sand Days,” meaning the only way to survive those days, as you do with quick sand, is to take little steps to get out of it. It is a perfect way to describe some days. Now I have a perfect description for days when I feel like I’m drowning- quicksand days! And now I know that the only way to get out of them is to take little steps.

Lastly, Eli talked about Envisioning the Finish. And lately, I’ve had trouble envisioning the finish and seeing the finish line. As I mentioned previously, I’m now fighting for every pound lost and that is a challenge in and of itself. But it is the little things I have noticed recently that have helped me envision the finish:

•         I went to a water park (twice! and climbed stairs to the top of the tallest water slides and didn’t die (or even get out of breath!)
•         I’m walking a lot (by myself and with a few girlfriends from time to time) and walking pretty fast. And I didn’t die! In fact, when I don't walk, I don't feel as good. 
•          I have some clothes that aren’t that old that are too big. (uh, that's NEVER happened until this journey.) 
•         I’m finally below my pre-pregnancy weight (from nearly 13 years ago!)

That last one about being below my pre-pregnancy weight is HUGE for me. Seriously, my baby will be 12 this week and I’m finally below that weight. I haven’t been below that weight in nearly 13 years!!!!!! That’s what I call a success, even if I haven't reach my goal as quickly as I wanted to. I'm still taking little steps toward achieving it. 

If you want to listen to Eli's sermon in it's entirety, I high recommend it. It can be found here: https://www.hopepres.com/media#!/swx/pp/media_archives/206115/episode/69074. 

One final thought on envisioning the finish: Here is my August photo and progress report.

August 6, 2017
Down 93 pounds! 

To date, I’ve lost 93 pounds. I’m coming up on my one-year anniversary of surgery August 23, and I’m both excited and a bit sad. Excited because I know how far I’ve come, but a bit sad because I really wanted to reach 100 pounds by my birthday. When I didn’t, I began to really get down about it and to be honest, I felt a little bit like a failure. But after a bit of wallowing in my own self-pity, I picked myself up and began again. I’ve set a new goal of losing a total of 115 pounds total, so I have 22 more pounds to go. Since I’m fighting for every pound now, my goal is to get that final 22 pounds off by Christmas of this year. It’s going to take a lot of work and perseverance, but I can do it… one little step and quicksand day at a time. 

A Tale of Two Physicians

When a physician takes the Hippocratic Oath, he or she swears to uphold ethical standards of the medical profession, respect the privacy of patients, prevent disease whenever possible and a wealth of other noble responsibilities.  But perhaps the most important responsibility a physician has to uphold is to “first do no harm.”

This is the tale of two physicians that have played very significant roles in my family’s lives over the past year or so, and the distance that separates the very different “bedside manners” of each. One is the surgeon who performed my weight loss surgery; the other, the one who removed my mother’s cancerous kidney. As patients who are going through a traumatic experience (and let’s face it, some instances to see a physician are more traumatic than others, but they all share some degree of seriousness,) we expect a level of bedside manner to ease us through our medical issue. Of course, some patients need more coddling than others and for that matter, some situations call for more patient coddling. (And speaking as a frequent patient who has had multiple surgeries including c-sections, gallbladder removal, appendectomy and most recently a gastric sleeve procedure, I myself have needed different levels of coddling.) I also realize that being a doctor is hard. One must balance the high-level stress of holding someone else’s life in your hands, while also knowing how to treat a variety of ailments, with the emotions that come with being human and helping your patients through the range of emotions. It is certainly a profession that is not for everyone, and one that I could never tackle. It should also be mention that I have an immense amount of respect for physicians, nurses, EMTs and anyone in the medical profession. Some of them, however, seem to handle their responsibilities to “do no harm” a little better than others. And “harm,” doesn’t just refer to the physical and medical conditions. The emotional aspect of seeing a physician can be just as traumatic for the patient.

The two physicians to which I am referring could not be further apart on the “bedside manner” scale. As you likely know, about a year ago, I decided to undergo gastric sleeve surgery to aid in weight loss. I did not take this decision lightly and I did lots of research, talked to many patients who had the procedure done, and spent lots of time talking to doctors, nurses, dieticians, psychologists, etc., before taking this very drastic step. It should be noted that I am so very thankful I did this surgery – it has completely changed my life! However, had I been able to choose another surgeon to perform this procedure, I certainly would have. I am not going to mention this surgeon’s name on this blog, but he is the leading bariatric surgeon in Memphis and I promise you can ask anyone in the medical profession or one of his past patients and they will agree with me. He is an a$$hole. He is the most miserable human being I have ever met. Period.

While he may be a great “technician” at his craft, his bedside manner is the worst. He has no ability to connect with his patients on a personal level. I’ve seen him on several occasions now, and he says the same thing every time. He has a script from which he reads and he offers no words of encouragement to his patients. I have chosen to sit there and stare blankly at him until he has finished his script, but I’m quite sure he has had some people yell and him and call him everything in the book. You may recall during my last visit to him, he berated me throughout the entire visit. It. Was. Awful. I knew I hadn’t lost as much weight as I should have, and trust me, I didn’t really need him to tell me that. Of course, I didn’t want him to coddle me, hug me and tell me everything was going to be ok, but I did want him to give me solutions and offer help. But what did he do? He told me losing weight was easy- “you just don’t eat as much and you exercise.” Then he proceeded to tell me that he himself lost 14 pounds the previous month because he wanted to. He just ate less. (I’m going to pause for a moment and let that sink in.)

Of course! That’s it. The solution to all of my weight problems for years and years was just that simple- I want to, so I just simply eat less and exercise more. Of course I realize that scientifically, that is exactly how it works. However, life isn’t really scientific. Raising kids and being married and working full time isn’t scientific, either. But I will cut him some slack and agree that yes, scientifically, that’s how it works.

But let’s get real. Doesn’t he think that if it were that easy for me (and so many others), I would never be in his office in the first place? Doesn’t he know that admitting you can’t achieve your weight loss goals alone after 40 years (give or take) of trying and finally admitting you need medical help and a surgeon to remove 70% of your stomach as the only way it will happen is humiliating enough? Obviously he doesn’t. Of course, Doctor, I should just eat less. Or as he likes to say in his script, stop eating Sonic Blasts. It’s obviously that simple.

The other physician was my mom’s urologist, Dr. Adam Stewart of Conrad Pearson Clinic. He sits on the opposite side of the spectrum. I haven’t shared this news publicly yet, but at the beginning of the month, in what was a whirlwind of a few days, my mom was diagnosed with kidney cancer. Luckily, she listened to her body and within 48 hours of symptoms, she was at the hospital getting a series of tests and was diagnosed with that awful word. The ER physician at Methodist Germantown was delightful and conferred with Dr. Stewart. (Everyone at Methodist Germantown was delightful, by the way.) He got my mom into his office Monday (we were at the hospital on Friday) and he said very plainly, “it is cancer and I want to get that kidney out quickly. If I have trouble scheduling it with the hospital, I will admit you and take it out that way. I will game the system if I must to get it that kidney out tomorrow or Wednesday.”

Dr. Stewart answered all of our questions, gave us so much information and was very, very honest. He didn’t coddle my mom (nor me or my brother), but was gentle, caring, used the appropriate amount of humor to lighten the situation, and was simply human. My father died from cancer, so hearing the word cancer was like a kick in the gut to us. But my mom being the super woman she is, put on her positive attitude and said “Let’s get this kidney out today!!” He was able to remove the entire kidney two days later and he was so wonderful with the group of family that we had at the hospital with us. He even talked directly to my two kids, explaining how he had gotten her kidney by “just reaching in there and grabbing it and pulling it out.” Well done, Doc. You know how to speak to two young boys! J He put us at ease when things were happening so fast and when the word “cancer” was all we heard.  

She stayed in the hospital for two nights and came home on a Friday- a week to the day we got that cancer diagnosis.  She rested for a few days, then went back to see Dr. Stewart for a follow up, and he let us know the cancer had not spread anywhere else, he got it all when he got the kidney, and she was CANCER FREE! She wouldn’t even have to have any chemo. She will get scanned every six months or so, but she could go on about her business being a busy grandma yelling at baseball games. She would just now do it with one kidney!

My spry and spunky Mama Sue with two
of her wonderful grandchildren (minus one kidney!) 

Y’all, I promise if you need a surgical urologist, look no further than Dr. Brian Stewart. I’m sure there are other great urologists in Memphis, but he will be my family’s go-to from now on!

So now back to the other physician. I realize the bariatric surgeon doesn’t have an easy job, and he has to put up some sort of shield because some of his patients (probably most) are in complete denial about how much food they truly consume, their poor eating and exercise habits, and just what it actually does take to maintain a healthy weight. But I know he can do better. There are other physicians at St. Francis that do this procedure and I’ve heard from those patients that they do a much better job with bedside manner.  Perhaps this doctor can learn from them.

First do no harm. If you’ve ever had to go the doctor for your child, family member or yourself, you know there is more than the physical pain that accompanies the visit. The emotional toll can just about be as bad as thee physical pain. Any doctor can – and should—be able to treat the physical ailment and be a skilled “technician.” But finding the right balance of being a skilled “technician,” with just the right amount of heart for your patients is the sweet spot. And in reading the Hippocratic Oath, I think that is essentially the point. In this year filed with a lot of physician visits and interaction, I can tell you that Dr. Stewart upheld that every bit of that oath, and we will be forever grateful.  

Ctrl + Alt + Delete

Ctrl + Alt + Delete. It's my favorite computer command. Anytime my computer freezes up, I finagle my fingers around the keyboard and punch those three keys. And voila! I get options...  I can log off, change my password or even, my personal favorite- "start task manager." It may not be the proper term, but I use this to reboot or reset my computer.  

After my last visit to the doctor, you will recall that I needed a reboot. A bit of a do-over. A reset.  After I had those ugly cries, I went to see the nutritionist. She was so helpful and really served as much of a psychologist as anything else. She gave me some great ideas as to a variety of things to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and we talked through expectations. (Truly, this was something of which I was in desperate need.)  She also gave me permission to relax and not be so hard on myself. I really think I needed that. From someone I considered a professional. It was a relief. 

The next day, I got my mind in high gear and I planned out my foods and prepped them. I took my snacks and lunches to the baseball games with me, and exercised like I had been doing. And I have kept it up. I just needed a reboot. 

I heard from so many friends and family members, some great words of encouragement, kinship and love. One of those came through Facebook, from someone with which I went to high school. She now lives in Ohio and I honestly can't even remember the last time I saw her in person, but I keep up with her on Facebook. She wrote me the nicest, most encouraging message that touched me deeply. She told me about a podcast she listens to called "Revelation Wellness"and it is grounded in Christianity and walks you through exercise with some scripture along the way. But more than that, she told me "Dawn, you are enough." Those four words hit me like a truck. She was right. I am enough. And I hated that I forgot that. I hated that my doctor's unkind truth and lack of bedside manner made me feel horrible about myself. I AM ENOUGH! Thanks, Rebecca, for reminding me. 

Those words have been in my head since I got that message from her. On Thursday, I decided to get on the scale. In addition to doing what I knew I needed to do, I had my mind right again. And I lost 3.5 pounds in a week! I am under no illusion that it is going to be easy. There are going to be bumps and detours, and maybe even some fender-benders on this road, but the beauty is, I can get right back on it. I can ctrl + alt + delete at any time. 

So it's time for my March photo, but first, indulge me in a little story. I've always admired runners. I am amazed as you effortlessly run down the sidewalk with your iPod, mostly looking like you're not even sweating. Or how you run 5ks in 15 seconds and then grab a beer at the finish line. How you post pics of you in an ice bath after a "long run."  Especially how you train for months and months and months and run a marathon. It's always been mesmerizing to me. I long to have a "runner's high" (for just about anything, honestly.) I've tried to run before, but it never seemed to catch on. 

Well, this Saturday, March 11, 2017 was a milestone for me. I went to the gym to get in a workout and I decided to see how long I could run on a treadmill without stopping. I set my mind to get to 1/2 mile. Once I got there -- and didn't die -- I decided to push it to see if I could run 3/4 of a mile. Once I got there -- and didn't die -- I decided to go for a mile. A WHOLE MILE! WITHOUT STOPPING!! And I did it!!!! And guess what!?!?!?! I didn't die!!! 

It felt great!!! I paused the treadmill and took a photo to send to Tom. And you know what, I realized I WAS enough. No matter how many pounds I have or haven't lost, I just ran a mile without stopping. Of course, it took me 16 minutes, but still. I was enough. And for now, a 16-minute mile was enough! 

So for March's progress photo, I'm showing you my post-workout self. Sweaty, but victorious! 

A Victory Photo
A 16-minute mile never felt so good! 

And it might be my favorite photo yet! I'm strong, confident and enough. Thanks for the encouraging words, Rebecca Walden, they have been in my head constantly and have meant so much to me.And you're right, it's not about how many pounds I've lost, or how fast my mile was, it's about me. About being healthier for my family and enjoying life with them. It's about me having more energy to see my kids do the things they love. About me hitting ctrl + alt + delete and resetting. But most importantly, it's about me being enough. 

Ugly Cries are the Worst (And I didn’t even watch the Notebook)

Everyone is entitled to a good cry now and again. We all have them. You know the one I’m talking about, too - the ugly cry. Where your eyes are puffy the rest of the day and your face is red and blotchy. The “I just watched ‘The Notebook’ ugly cry.” When I began to document this journey on my blog, I promised you the good, bad and the ugly. Well, I had an ugly cry today. Twice in fact. All before 9:30 am. and it lived up to its descriptor (Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams not included.) It. Was. Ugly.

(Depending on how you know me and how long you have known me, this news will either confirm what you know about me or shock you as I fall into one of two categories for people that know me- I cry all the time (as in when I was in elementary school) or I never cry (as in something happened to me in adulthood and I became a person who doesn’t even cry when most people cry. It’s weird.) But it is who I am and I have no in between, really.

First, let me just say, I’m not asking for your sympathy. Everyone cries, I understand that. Everyone has bad days, and in reality, the reason I ugly cried will sound ridiculous to some of you. Heck, it would normally sound ridiculous to me. You all have been amazing to me over this journey and your support has meant so much to me, and while I appreciate even the thought of your sympathy for my crying today, spare me. Your sympathy is not what I need right now.

Today I had my six-month post-gastric sleeve checkup, and never could I have ever imagined that losing weight would make me feel like a complete and utter failure. But I do. (Hence, the ugly cry.)

First of all, I will tell you that I had some anxiety about this doctor’s visit. I didn’t sleep well last night and I’ve been dreading this visit for a couple of weeks. Why, you ask? Well, I don’t get on the scale too often, but when I did over the last couple of months, I noticed my weight wasn’t going down the way it once was. I was stalled. So I tried to push that out of my mind—sometimes I can compartmentalize like a dude (sorry fellas), and I apparently did. I just buried it on down somewhere and chose not to deal with it. I knew the reasons why the weight wasn’t coming off like it had been, but I pushed them down deep into a place in my brain I don’t visit often. And I convinced myself that everything was fine. But it wasn’t.

So here goes… the reason for the ugly cry is that in three months, I have only lost four pounds. And that, according to my doctor, is a complete failure and I have done poorly. I have “reverted back to the same bad habits that got me here in the first place.” And as much as I hate to say it, he is right. (Ugh, that tasted like vinegar just typing it.) He’s right. That’s why I was compartmentalizing it. I knew I wasn’t doing things right. I knew I had lost focus. And I knew this doctor’s appointment would be the day of reckoning.

Now, before I ugly cry again, let me say that losing four pounds in 3 months is MUCH better than gaining any weight. (Well, not according to my doctor; he said it is the same as gaining and the four pounds doesn’t really count. But I can guarantee I would have cried a heck of a lot more had I gained some weight.) 

And after nearly 12 hours of processing this and feeling sorry for myself, I know that this is all going to be okay. I know that I will be okay. And I get it. I have lost a lot of weight—70 pounds!!!! If anyone would have told me that a year ago I would not have believed them. So what’s the problem??? Statistics show that the weight you lose from months 3-9 indicate how successful you will be going forward. So what about the first 3 months? According to the doctor, “it’s easy to lose weight the first 3 months because we cut out your stomach,” so going back after 3 months and having only lost 4 pounds in 3 months is a failure. And if I stay on this track, I will have failed at this surgery. But more importantly, I will have failed myself. So, while I was considering it a huge success that for the first time EVER in my life I didn’t gain weight from Thanksgiving until New Year’s, I actually failed. Miserably. And the sad part is, deep down, I knew it. I didn’t need my doctor to tell me that.

And sure, I have excuses. Always do. Excuses are what got me here in the first place. But instead of giving you excuses, dear friends, I will give you the reasons why I have let this happen. I’ve actually known them all along—remember, I buried them deep in my brain!) Today, I was forced to confront them. And I confronted them with an ugly cry.

So, let me outline the reasons (not excuses) for this “poor performance”:

•  I got lazy with the food prep: this gets me every time. We’ve got people going all over the place in our house – sports, school, work, sometimes travel for work and I’ve been focusing on making exercise a part of my regular life and some days I feel lucky just have gotten dressed and out the door on time. So yep, I got lazy with the food prep. And I grabbed what was in the fridge. And I didn’t always grab the right thing. And chips. So… chips.

•  I totally forgot I had a nutritionist at my disposal… How could I have forgotten this? That’s what she is there for. DUH!!! I was struggling with the right things to eat and a nutritionist was there for me the whole time.  As I have reflected on this, I know exactly why I forgot about the nutritionist. It’s because I associate everyone and everything in that office with the doctor- and I want to see him as little as possible. So I put the nutritionist out of my mind. Also, I thought I could do this myself. “Hahhahaha! Yet again, Dawn, you can’t do it by yourself, you silly fool!” And to answer your question, yes, I’m going to see the nutritionist. 

• I found the candy bucket: “My stomach is small, so a little small piece of candy won’t do any harm, will it?” Yes, Dawn, yes it will. (Of course, one little piece of candy every once in a while doesn’t hurt anything. But it adds up. And I’m proof.) Result? I have given up candy for lent. ☺

• I convinced myself that what I was doing was enough: “You are exercising, so you can have a couple of French fries or a cookie at night. Or a small piece of cake. The exercise will take care of it.” No, it won’t. If I eat that way, I will NOT lose weight. PERIOD.

• I convinced myself that exercising was going to take care of it: One bright note in all of this is my exercise habit. I will say that I am very proud of my exercise regime. I am exercising 4 days a week (usually 5) and I don’t hate it. But exercising isn’t enough. And I know that. It seems I was so focused on patting myself on the back for exercising that I lost focus on the other stuff- like making good food choices. And … chips.

• I didn’t make smart food choices:  see candy bucket, chip consumption and cake confession above.

• I had no goal:  for me, I think this might have been the biggest one. I need a goal to work toward. Since surgery, my doctor hasn’t given me a goal. He’s said vague things like “everyone loses at different rates, so you might lose anywhere from 70-80 percent of your excess body weight within a year.” I thought I was doing so well the first 3 months that I would just keep on going and would eventually get to a goal. But I needed a tangible GOAL in MEASURABLE terms. I don’t deal with “excess body weight percentages” or even BMI. I deal with and understand pounds!! And that’s what I have needed.

I’ve been playing with a goal in my mind for a while and now I’m committing to it the way we do it in 2017, with a hashtag… #100byJune24 – that’s 16 weeks and 2 days from today – 114 days. I picked June 24 because it is my birthday and a date I can work toward. And hashtags are the new language we all talk in and seem to keep you accountable. 114 days?? I’ve got this.

And this last reason is a tough pill to swallow, but the truth always is…

·        Hubris (simply put, I got cocky): here I am, losing so much weight, so quickly. Looking good. Got some new clothes (I just bought a large shirt y’all, a LARGE!!!) 😃 Getting so many compliments, and I got cocky. “Sure, I can have a glass of wine. Just one won’t hurt.” WRONG! (insert your favorite Donald Trump WRONG meme here.) I gave myself permission that I could, but that certainly didn’t mean that I should.

Now pride is a good thing. But hubris is a dangerous thing. Ultimately, it’s what killed Walter White on Breaking Bad. (If you are a regular reader of my blog, you know I consider that to be one of the best shows ever made.) Sure turning into a drug kingpin didn’t do him much good, but his hubris – his overwhelmingly excessive pride and self-confidence that he wouldn’t get caught -- is ultimately what killed him. He had more than enough money to ensure his family was taken care of, but his pride at making the best meth and taking control of the entire meth ring was what ultimately led to his death. Come to think of it, it was a major character flaw for Don Draper on Mad Men also. (well that, alcohol and being a sexist womanizer.)  Damn! Did I not learn anything from Walter White and Don Draper??!?!?!?!

Of course I realize these examples are a bit dramatic, but are an example of how excessive pride can impact you to the point of no return. That, and I always seem to find flawed male TV characters oddly relatable.)

So that’s it. That’s why I ugly cried. (Truthfully, I still may again one more time today.) And ’m not mad at my doctor- well, I still kind of am because he is a complete a$$hole, but I’m really mad at myself more than anything. But I guess I had to learn the hard way—seems that is always the case, huh?

But after today I will move on. I will hit the reset button. My husband reminded me in all of this blubbering ugly crying that every journey is filled with bumps, detours and sometimes even crashes along the way. And that’s what this is, just a bump and a slight detour. It’s definitely not a crash.

And as we always tell our kids when they have a bad day—the best thing about tomorrows is that you can start over. You can hit the reset button. So that’s what I’m going to do. Because I can. In the end, Walter White couldn't do that. 

I'm Suffering from Coccydynia (Literal Translation: A Pain in the A$$)

Today, I'm personally confirming what most of you (past and present friends, relatives and co-workers) and certainly my husband,  know about me: I can be a pain in the A$$. And this time, I mean I literally have a pain in my bum. And by bum, I mean tail bone. (Can honestly say, I've never had that problem before.)

Apparently for folks that lose a good bit of weight quickly, it is very common to suffer from coccydynia, or tailbone pain. As funny as it seems, you actually are losing the padding in your rear that protects your tailbone (coccyx) and that can cause it to get irritated from sitting too long or other strenuous things. There are a few remedies I've been able to find online:  I'm sitting on a donut pillow at work (yep, like the geriatric that I am) and I'm taking some Tylenol for the pain. My doctor has prescribed me an anti-inflammatory for that and my bursitis (again, I'm a geriatric) and I'm hoping that helps. I'm also doing some yoga stretches to focus on that area.

I'm not really complaining about it, but it does hurt. I try to get up and move around a lot, but my job requires me to sit at the computer a lot. Also, in case you haven't noticed, I tend to do a lot of sitting at my kids' sporting events- though I do try to get up and move around to keep from sitting still too long.

Anyone else out there had this problem before? Any remedies I may be missing? It hurts more some days than others (and I can't quite figure out the pattern to it just yet.) I'm open to anything; you literally would be saving my butt! (haha corny, I know, but what did you expect?)

January 1st Update (Two weeks late): #redcarpetready

Forgive me, friends, for not posting my update on the first of the month as planned. It's been a little crazy this month with the holidays, and I got a nasty cold that had me down for a few days. And what a nasty cold it was! Honestly, I can't remember the last time a cold had me in the bed, but this one kicked my butt! 

Just like everyone, we had a very busy holiday season and really enjoyed some great family time together. I woke up New Year's Eve with a cold and it took me more than a week to get over it. But I'm better now and back on my workout schedule, so I wanted to do my update picture and monthly progress. (It helps keep me on track.) 

January 10, 2017
140 days post surgery 

Here I am 140 days post surgery (roughly four months.) As of January 10, I have lost a total of 72.3 pounds (57.3 pounds since surgery day.) That is more pounds than Zane weighs!! I have so much more energy and I have such a different outlook on life, to be quite honest. I mean, I'm the same person -- bossy, still require a lot of sleep, still fall asleep if I sit still long enough, blah blah blah -- but I feel much better. I can hang with my kiddos a bit more and I'm getting much more used to the portion sizes and how much I can eat without feeling awful. I don't get it right every time, but man when I get it right, I feel so much better. I know it is just re-training myself how to eat, and I'm getting there. 

But get this, y'all!!! I shopped from the regular women's section!!!! (Oh yes, cue the applause and music.) I have a few pieces of clothing that I can wear, but it was getting about time to replace a main staple in my "uniform" -- black pants. So yesterday I ventured out to Marshall's before a busy day of basketball games and I bought two pair of black pants. From the regular women's section. SHUT. UP. Not the plus size section. THE REGULAR WOMEN'S SECTION. I haven't done that in years. In fact, the workout clothing I have been buying the last couple of months has been from the regular women's section. (Seems my new lifestyle has me buying more workout and "athleisure" wear than work clothing- at least right now.)  As my friend Toni would say, it was a red-letter day on the calendar! It's the little things that I get excited about. (They seem little, but they aren't to me.) Such as, not having as much trouble crossing my legs. Or -- this one makes me laugh out loud -- finally being able to do the Reese Witherspoon red carpet pose (you know the one, one foot tightly crossed over the other.) 

Don't get me wrong, NO ONE is going to mistake me for Reese Witherspoon any time soon -- or EVER -- but I've always noticed that red carpet pose and just couldn't do it. Well, now I can. So look at me. (Yes, I know I am oddly proud of this.) And let me be clear, I won't be going to any red carpets any time soon, or ever, but if there is one at the basketball gym or baseball field, I will definitely be ready with my Reese pose. 

Conflict 2016: The Year of Celebrity Death, the Weird Presidential Election and Transformation for Dawn Ray of Sunshine

I am conflicted. On the surface (and in the record books), 2016 has been a shitty year. The US had the worst Presidential candidates and election situation ever. (Seriously, it was a bit like watching Jerry Springer on a worldwide scale.)  We've lost some of the best and brightest at their craft in Hollywood, Sports, Music and Literature: Prince, Muhammad Ali, Craig Sager, Carrie Fisher, Debbie Reynolds, George Michael, Glenn Frey, Alan Rickman, Harper Lee, Joey Feek, Nancy Reagan, Merle Haggard, Gordie Howe, Anton Yelchin, Pat Summitt, Garry Marshall, Garry Shandling, Steven Hill (Adam Schiff on Law & Order), Gene Wilder, Jose Fernandez, Arnold Palmer, Gwen Ifill, Florence Henderson, John Glenn, Alan Thicke, I know the list goes on...

By all accounts, it's been shitty. And it seems if we are able to make it through the next 2 days of 2016 without any more deaths, we will be lucky. (The dark humor side of me wishes I had been in a version of Howard Stern's "Celebrity Death Pool" because I could have made some serious coin.) Okay, I don't mean to make light of it, but if we don't laugh about it, we will cry ourselves into 2017. 

But for me, 2016 has been life-changing. And frankly, life-saving. And not just physically. Sure, I made a huge decision to have gastric sleeve surgery. I've lost about 70 pounds and I'm exercising on a regular basis. I've completely changed my outlook on food and finally come to grips with why I eat as well as what I eat. (It is still sometimes a struggle, but I am very aware of these things now, whereas I couldn't say that before.) But as much work as I've put in on the physical me, I've put in as much work on the spiritual and emotional me. It's the me you can't see upon first glance, but trust me, she's in there and she's very different now. Early in the year, I decided to rid myself of some toxic things in my life. Everything from negative self-talk to negative and toxic relationships in my personal and professional life to impostor syndrome. (I still suffer from that and that's another blog post for another time, but I'm working on that.) 

In January, I really began working on ME. Even though Tom has been telling me for years that I needed to take care of myself, it finally started to sink in. Y'all know I'm hard headed and it took a while for that to sink in!! So I started the journey of self-discovery and frankly, I didn't like what I discovered. So I set out to change it. I started the gastric sleeve journey (a LONG journey to surgery) and then I began examining every aspect of my life. I didn't go and broadcast this work to anyone, not even to Tom. But I needed to find ME again. So I began to listen to my conversations and daily interactions with people -- and not just listen to wait for my turn to talk, but really listen to understand and learn. I wanted to know how people viewed me, and that included my own family, especially Tom and my kids.  I stumbled a lot, heck, I even cried some. It wasn't always pretty, but it was enlightening. There were some things that were said to me (either blatantly or in passing) or things I read that had a profound impact on me. They have stuck with me, and probably always will. Here are a few to note: 

"WOW! What a great laugh you've got. I've never heard you laugh like that before!" This one seems innocent enough and was just an observation from one of the baseball dads from Tripp's baseball team while we were all at the beach together, but it was like taking a punch in the gut. (And I'm so grateful he said it.)  I love to laugh. I live to laugh. It's who I am. I love to make people laugh. I love to make my kids laugh. Laughter is the best part of life. People used to tell me all the time what a great (loud, obnoxious) laugh I had and how it was infectious. I hadn't heard that in years. So when he said it, it hit me in the face, hard. I realized I hadn't heard that in years. And frankly, I hadn't laughed like that in years. It caused me to ask Tom about it. And he agreed. He said I don't laugh like I used to anymore. And he was right. I didn't. I vowed then to find my laugh again. (So thanks, Collins Day. You are appreciated.) 

"You can't be a man. Be a woman. It's powerful business when done correctly." This is a quote from Mad Men. Several quotes from Mad Men appear on this list. I watched the show in it's entirety at the beginning of 2016 and it had a profound impact on me in both a personal and professional sense. (Truly, it's in my top 3 shows I consider to be the best shows ever made outside of Seinfeld: Mad Men, The Shield and Breaking Bad.) . The quote is from Bobbie Barrett, who was the wife/manager of the obnoxious comedian Jimmy Barrett, who did the VO work for the Utz Potato Chip account at Sterling Cooper. She was talking to Peggy Olson. Peggy was a young, naive sort at the agency, and one with whom I identified with greatly. She began as a secretary, answering phones, but showed a penchant for copywriting and worked her way into one of the most valuable employees at Sterling Cooper. (She also had the most bad ass scene I've pretty much ever seen in a TV show...) 

Everything about this scene is bad ass. Peggy's growth as an advertising executive AND as a woman is summed up in this 25 seconds. Her cigarette, her sunglasses, and her NSFW Japanese porn painting epitomize the swagger she carries as she walks into her new role at McCann Erickson. This scene, and the growth of the Peggy character, influenced my life this year in so many ways. Bobbie is telling Peggy that she doesn't have to be like a man to get noticed at her job. She needs to understand men and how they think and operate, but she has an immense power as a women and she should use it. WOW. Very heavy and very true. I've tapped into my inner Peggy Olson many times this year, and intend to keep doing it. 

"Etre bien dans sa peau," (French for "to be well in my skin"): I am not even sure where I saw this (likely Facebook where all wisdom can be found these days :)) but it stuck with me. I was extremely uncomfortable in my own skin and I have been for years. This little French phrase has taught me to just be comfortable with who I am, and not worry about who I'm not. I haven't perfected that yet, but I'm working on it. 

"I'm calling to let you know you've been approved for gastric sleeve surgery." That little sentence changed my life. It was a huge leap on a journey full of liquids, baby foods and purees for a few months, but a leap for which I am so very grateful. 

"I'd love to offer you this job and have you be a part of our team." Such a great phone call to receive (and it was so perfectly timed!) In November, I joined the team at EdR. It's a great chance for me to lead their communications and marketing efforts and be a part of a company that is redefining collegiate housing. 

"We need you to write us a check for $3,000": I won't get into the details that are behind this comment, but it speaks to the incompetence some people (and companies) possess. And it was a defining moment for me. Thanks to the urging of my supportive husband, I refused to just "write the check" and demand documentation for other's mistakes. He reminded me that I'm not here to clean up the mistakes due to other's incompetence. Also, it was a reminder that I am a decent, honest person. (That's always a good reminder!) #notmyproblem


"People tell you who they are, but we ignore it because we want them to be who we want them to be." Mind. Blown. Right?!??! Why did it take a fictional male chauvinist character on a TV Show to get me to understand this? People show their true colors to you all the time. We just choose whether to see them or not. And damn, some folks have really showed me their true colors this year. A few showed me how truly selfish they really are and how they were only out for themselves. They showed me their arrogance and their blatant disregard for other people's feelings (including mine.) Of course, not all people are like this, but some really showed their true colors to me this year. Or better yet, I finally began to see them. 

"If you don't like what's being said, change the conversation." Sure, it's been said before by others, but it stuck with me when Don Draper said it on Mad Men. We are in charge of our destiny and how others view us. We are ultimately in charge of that conversation and changing that conversation if we don't like it. This year, I've worked hard at both. And I think I've changed the conversation on many fronts. 

"Sometimes things just don't work out." This is one I actually said to someone, and it was a defining moment for me. Nearly two years ago, I took a leap of faith and took a new job. I stepped out of my comfort zone at Hilton and went into healthcare. And you know what? It didn't quite work out as planned. And that's okay. Not everything works out all the time, no matter how much we want it to. (Took me until I was 40 to figure that out.) 

Now I know this list looks like a lot of self-empowering quotes that make me look like I have all my shit together. HAHHAHAHAHA!! Far from the truth. I have stumbled quite a bit this year and I most certainly will in 2017 and beyond. And I'm still my worry-wart self: I worry about my youngest child and how he fits in socially; I worry about his attention span and his maturity level even though he is wicked smart; I worry about the fact that he shows no interest in riding a bike for himself and question whether we should have held him back a grade earlier on because most of the kids in his grade are nearly a year older than he is; I worry about the fact that we just put $5,000 worth of  braces in my oldest son's mouth; I worry about how we are going to get both boys to practices and get school and studying done and how we can do all of that while working and not going insane. I worry about what we are going to eat for dinner and what three bites or so I'm going to have for dinner; I worry about when I'm going to go to the gym; I worry if I'm a good wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend. I worry about the violence in Memphis and if we can overcome it; I worry about our great nation and how divided we all are and if we can survive the turbulent election and the upcoming inauguration. I worry. 

So on paper, 2016 was shitty. So much death. So much weirdness in the world. So much animosity and violence and not enough love. So in that regard, it was shitty. But it was also transformational. In 2017, I'm choosing to change the conversation. I'm choosing to channel my inner Don Draper and Peggy Olson and be who I am and make no apologies for it. I'm choosing to show my true colors and be sure to sniff out others' before I invest my precious time in them. In 2017, I'm continuing to choose ME (and Tom, Zane and Tripp and Mama Sue and others I hold dear.)  And I'm going to laugh. I'm going to laugh the real, infectious, loud and obnoxious Dawn Ray laugh. 

And if that bothers you, then too bad. Je suis bien dans ma peau. And that's #notmyproblem (nor it is Peggy Olson's.) 

New Month, New Update, New News

Happy November! It is the start of a new month, so that means it’s time for a new blog post (and picture.)

The last couple of weeks have been interesting learning how to eat again. As a food lover, I NEVER thought I would say I had to “learn” how to eat again, but I have. It’s weird, quite honestly. Some days it’s easier than others, but now, I just have to remind myself to plan ahead. So while preparing lunches and helping Tom prepare the kids for the day ahead (while also trying to juggle laundry that won’t end, figuring out who is getting whom to the next sports practice or game, and reviewing with the kids for the day’s tests--figuratively and literally), I also have to think about what I’m going to have for lunch. I am trying to always have something on hand to take with me so I don’t have to rely on a spur of the moment choice --which doesn’t always end well. (As a side note, I can’t really eat that much anymore, and I have found some delicious Lean Cuisine frozen meals—my favorite is the White Vermont Cheddar Mac and Cheese.) It’s just cheesy enough and hits the spot; of course, it takes me 30 minutes to eat the entire thing if I don’t give up!

Anyway, eating out has been interesting and everyone is always so nice and accommodating about it (which makes me a tad uncomfortable, but it is appreciated.) I have ventured to a few places, and some have been a strange experience for me. Sunday evening, I ventured out with Tom and Zane and we decided to go to Moe’s (cue the happy greeting when you walk in the door: Welcome to Moe’s!!!!!) I was excited about getting a taco salad (I haven’t been able to eat salad and I have missed it.) Well, I took about 4 bites and couldn’t eat anymore. In fact, I just felt sick. I think I may have eaten it too fast or something, but it wasn’t enjoyable at all. (And typically, I love a Moe’s Taco Salad with chicken.) I had about 3 chips before I ate the salad and I guess I filled up on those. Lesson learned, but I just hate spending money on food and not being able to take it home (kinda hard to take home a salad and eat it later.)

Halloween: So yesterday was Halloween and if you know me even remotely well, you know I’m not a big holiday person -- except for Thanksgiving -- I LOVE Thanksgiving. Well, having kids sometimes (okay, A LOT of times) requires that you do stuff you don’t particularly like (I’m takling to you, television shows like Teen Titans Go! and pretty much everything on Nickelodeon.) In my case, it is decorating for Halloween, dressing up and then going trick or treating. I didn’t like trick or treating when I was a kid. Not. At. All. But being a mom means I like to see my kids smile and be happy (and sacrifice dammit!) And my kids like it when I dress up for Halloween. (Even Tripp, though he may not say it, but he’s 11, so you know, he’s practically a teenager already.) This year, I decided to be a “Mombie” aka Mommy Zombie. (pretty much what I feel like when I wake up in the morning.) So, I put on a bath robe, donned some of Zane’s zombie makeup (he was a Zombie Football player) and ta da!!! Halloween. (for the record, Tripp is Domingo Ayala, a You Tube sensation among the athletic-type youth of today-- basically, he does You Tube videos about baseball, talks in a Dominican accent and the kids love him.)

 

One of Zane’s friends was having a little hayride and party, so I took him. And was suddenly transported to that scene in the original Bridget Jones’ Diary where she shows up to the party in full out Playboy bunny costume and only to be... you guessed it.. the only parent dressed up. (Now that I think about it, Zombie Playboy bunny would have been a great costume, but I digress.) Awkward….

Sigh… but at least my kid liked it and he was happy. A good time was had by all, and both kids got a bunch of candy. Speaking of candy, I only had one piece of Halloween candy. Yes, I’m proud of that. I’m wearing that like a badge of honor. (Please note, there is no shame in eating more than one piece of Halloween candy and that is how I have spent the previous 40 years on October 31.)

New adventure: About two years ago, I made a big decision in terms of my career. I decided to leave Hilton Worldwide after 12 years and venture into the world of healthcare communications and marketing. I've learned a lot, met some great people, but recently a new opportunity came my way and I’ve decided to take it. As of November 14, I will be joining Memphis-based EdR as the Vice President of Corporate Communications and Marketing. EdR is a fantastic company that is truly changing the college experience for the bright minds of today. They are one of the leading developers of collegiate housing throughout the U.S. and manage a lot of beds at these colleges. Trust me, these housing complexes don't look anything like they did when I went to school.  It’s an awesome opportunity for me to get back into the real estate development world (this work is VERY similar to what I did at Hilton) and I’m very excited about it. So, more BIG changes for me and my family. (Look at you, 2016, you’ve been an interesting year for me.)

And finally, an update: As of mid-July, I have lost 58.4 pounds. Since surgery on August 23, I have lost 43 pounds. I am truly astonished! But it’s not just about the pounds lost. I feel better. I sleep better. I have more energy. I think I’m even a more pleasant and giving person. (oh hell, who am I kidding?  I’m still cold and dead inside.) Seriously, I’m making exercise a priority and trying to get it in as much as possible. I know it is something I have to do. I’m trying to go to barre once a week and vary my exercise the other days.) And yes, barre class still hurts, but the “Barre-bies” are just so nice!

 

November 1, 2016

 

 

 

Meet me at the Bar(re)

Nothing is more humbling to a chunky girl (and even more, one that has recently lost a good bit of weight) than going into a barre classes with a bunch of skinny, toned belles of the barre. If you’ve never been to a barre exercise class (here locally it is Pure Burre) allow me to describe it for you, in my own Dawn Ray of Sunshine fashion. Before I begin, however, let me explain that I actually like the class. And that’s big for me because I’m not exactly a fan of exercise of any kind, truly. There is retail space in front of the studio, and they sell athleisure clothing that is so popular these days. Leggings and tanks with cute sayings like “Barre So Hard,” “J’Adore Barre,” “Eat, Sleep, Tuck, Repeat.” “Meet me at the Barre” and my personal favorite, “Belle of the Barre.” Now, keep in mind I went to these classes in December before I even had surgery and really liked them. And of course, I found those tanks annoyingly cute. Like a Taylor Swift song that I didn’t want to like but kept singing loudly in the car, and at work and at home, I didn’t want to like them, but they were so damn cute I couldn’t help myself. And of course they didn’t fit me. But I digress…. 

These classes are intense. The Pure Barre motto is Lift, Tuck, Burn (LTB) and you do a series of yoga, pilates, barre, ballet type exercise and really work your core, arms and legs. The 55-minute class is filled with small movements (“tiny up, tiny down”) that hurt like hell and make your muscles shake.  In fact, they encourage you to “find your shake,” and let’s be honest, the only time I’ve ever wanted to “find my shake” was at Sonic.

You start each class with a warm up, which is honestly, one of the most challenging to me. I start out strong, and then we get to planks.  In what world are planks considered a warm up? Anyway, I push through the warmup the best I can and then we get to the weights. Very small weights, thank God. Remember, small motions, with isometric holds in between. PAINFUL, but effective. Then we go to the barre. Ahh, the barre. I never thought I would say anything positive about a bar(re), unless I was sitting at one with a drink in my hand, but the barre is the centerpiece of the entire 55-minute class. It’s where you work your legs, arms, core and seat (they say seat rather than butt or some other term because as my friend Kelly says, “they keep it classy.”) This is where you really lift, tuck, burn and find the shake. Again, tiny movements to work these parts of your body—I’m talking one inch – but it works and I’m sweating like I’ve just run a 10k (okay, I’ve never fully run a 10K or even a 5K, but I have to imagine that I would sweat a lot.)  

Once you feel like you can’t LTB anymore, you move to the other leg and work that side. Then, you grab your mat and do floor work up against the wall. You use the barre to push up with your arms and you do these tiny torture movements with your legs. Your legs and everything else feel like jelly, then the lights go dim, the music changes to a softer, slower tempo and you move the mat to the floor. Thank God!! You’re almost there… or so you think. It’s time for ab work. Hey, at least you get to be on the floor. But I promise you, tucking and squeezing your abs and seat aren’t exactly resting and winding down. The instructor is encouraging, she always gives some shout outs to you, like “great form, Kelsey” or “keep it up, Kim” or “one more change, ladies, this is where it really burns but is totally worth it.” (and yes, she sounds exactly as you have imagined it your head.) Truthfully, I love to hear her call my name, even if it is “great correction to your form, Dawn.” But damn, they are all so nice and supportive. And tiny. They are all so tiny and toned.

 Finally, once you have bridged and tucked and squeezed and lifted and you think you can’t do it anymore, you get to roll over on your stomach and stretch. Best. Stretch. Ever. And also a humbling stretch. I rolled over, did a cobra pose (thanks, Google!) and saw my reflection in the mirror. (Did I mention there are mirrored walls in this studio everywhere?) I was a mess. I looked awful-- flushed face, sweaty hair, just a mess.

Now, I know it may sound like I don’t like this class very much, but I actually do like it a lot. I feel like I have accomplished something big after I leave. Nearly every part of my body hurts, I look like a wreck—but it feels (dare I say) good. I hurt afterwards and getting up the next day isn’t that easy, but it gets easier. The Pure Barre Belles say you get more comfortable after 10 classes, so I’m looking forward to that.

I know I took the long way around for this update, but I wanted to provide a little glimpse into how my life has changed since this surgery, versus just talking about food. This is and always has been about more than food for me. It's been about inactivity and frankly, being lazy.

I know I haven’t posted many pics of me, so I decided to do that so you could see my progress. I’ve decided to take these pics on the first of each month to make it easier to keep track.

August 23, 2016
Surgery Day



September 1, 2016
9 days post surgery
 



October 1, 2016
39 days post surgery


Even though I had a humbling (and sobering) look in the mirror last night at the barre, I'm making great progress. My next doctor's appointment  is October 13 and I will consider that my official weigh-in 6 weeks (or so) post surgery. It should be noted that my home scale says I have lost a bit more than 30 pounds since surgery, and a bit more than 45 pounds since mid-July. I've got a long way to go, but I'm feeling better and looking better. Except for when I leave barre class, then I'm just a hot Southern mess.