Cute Running Shorts that Don't Fit, Turning 40 and Other #BS

Why I've decided to have weight-loss surgery

I just want to wear those stupid Nike/Under Armor/whatever brand running shorts in a regular size. You know the ones... they aren't too short and come in cute colors. You can't walk through Academy or Dicks or Target without tripping over them. They are a sports mom staple, the summertime equivalent of yoga pants. And dammit, I want to wear them.

It seems like a small thing, really. But my butt doesn't fit in them-- even the largest women's size they have at the store doesn't fit . And dammit, I want to wear them.  

I've been on a journey since the beginning of the year to focus on ME. And of course, in the requisite soul-searching you have to do when you turn 40 (OMG, how am I 40?!??!) my physical appearance has risen to the top as one of those focuses.  

I've spent a lot of time trying to get my $h!t together and figure out my weight issues (beyond just eating and drinking way too much.) I've tried to seek out patterns as to my eating habits, analyze my favorite foods and drinks, actually pay attention to my alcohol intake, but even more so, I've tried to determine why I eat what I eat.

I've gotten to a weight the last few years of which I am not proud at all. (Maybe one day I will have the courage to write that number down, but today is not that day.) My weight and the focus on myself go hand-in-hand and if I don't do something about it, I frankly won't have much of a future. I've thought long and hard about how to tackle this issue and I've come to a life-altering decision: I've decided to have weight loss surgery.

I freaked out early on and decided this decision wasn't for me. "It was too life-altering," I said. "I can't go without Diet Coke for the rest of my life," I said. "No alcohol for an entire year? NO WAY!" "I'll never be able to sit down and have a beer and a burger again," I said.  (Seriously, I considered those good reasons over my health?) Of course those were all excuses, and frankly, excuses have plagued me my entire life when it comes to my health and weight. But after some long conversations with Tom, and a few close friends, some serious soul searching, prayers and a few tears,  I have decided to go through with it. My surgery is scheduled Tuesday, Aug. 23. 

Coming to this decision has not been easy. I've had to endure countless medical appointments, visits with my physicians (which always have the embarrassing trip to the scale), a session with a therapist who specializes in food addiction and other eating disorders, a real conversation with a nutritionist, and lots of heart-to-hearts with my husband. Each time, I've been asked why I wanted to have weight loss surgery and I've finally come to the conclusion that  it's not a WANT for me, but a NEED. I can't possibly think of anyone who would WANT to have 70% of his/her stomach permanently removed! 

I even had to write a personal essay to my insurance company about why I felt this surgery was the best choice for me. And  while I have a lot of reasons, I came to the conclusion the WHOs in my life are my WHYs.

We've all heard the phrase, "you can’t judge a book by its cover." In my forty years on this Earth, one of the things I’ve learned for sure is that although your parents may teach you not to, many people do indeed judge a book by its cover. For an overweight person, no truer words have ever been spoken. Sure, some folks can see past the extra pounds and those who truly love you love what’s on the inside. But first impressions are everything, and we so often see the “outside” of a person first.

I’ve struggled with my weight most of my life, but it never really mattered much to me until the last few years. I had always accepted that I was “heavy set” and “big boned.” (Truthfully, I think I've hidden behind being the funny fat girl for most of my life, but that's a blog post for another time.)

But eleven years ago, my life changed forever when our first son, Tripp, was born.  Wow! What a life changer for both me and my husband. Being a parent is the hardest -- and most rewarding -- job I’ve ever had. It’s also the most exhausting. I was able to get most of the baby weight off when Tripp was born, but truthfully, I was still about 30 – 40 pounds overweight.

In 2010, we were blessed with another son, Zane. At first, the pregnancy weight was coming off and then it stalled. That’s when I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. And though I take synthroid, I’ve struggled to lose and keep weight off ever since.

Today, Tripp is 11 and Zane is 6. They are very active in sports: baseball, soccer, football and basketball. We are teaching them the importance of an active lifestyle full of sports and outdoor activity, but truthfully, I am exhausted. I can’t keep up. I know my weight is the main culprit of this.

They are at the ages now where they are aware of my weight struggles and frankly, that I don’t look like most of the other moms (skinny ones.) Of course, they love me anyway, but one day, I'm afraid they are going to take notice and be embarrassed of me. That is heartbreaking to me. I want to be there for them. I want to live a long and healthy life- to see them fulfill their dreams and to see my grandchildren. Tripp and Zane are my why.  

I have a wonderful support system in my husband, Tom. He is patient and kind with a loving heart and he loves me at any weight. In our 16 years of marriage, he’s watched me lose and regain weight multiple times. He knows the struggle I face. And he's ready to support me in this decision.

While the most important people in my life are part of my why for wanting this weight loss surgery, I am truly my biggest why. I spend a lot of time doing things for others. And I love that. But I turned 40 this year, and as I look back on those years, I’ve only been happy with the way I’ve looked just a few times in my life.

I am also very career-driven and ambitious. At times, I've felt my size has kept me from achieving some of my career goals. I am a communications director and have made communications my life’s passion, as well as my career. I spend the majority of my time at work creating communications strategies and tactics for well-known brands and encouraging others to communicate effectively. I believe that communications is everything and everything communicates. My weight certainly communicates something about me, and frankly, impacts the first impression I have on others. I can present the most creative communications strategies, but if people can’t see past my extra pounds, I likely have a hard time convincing them of my expertise.

It is an ugly truth. People do judge a book by its cover, and my cover happens to carry plenty of extra pounds. And while I have always “carried my weight well,” I want to break the cycle in my life of losing and regaining weight. I want to keep up with my sons and set a good example for them. I want to be confident in taking photos with my family so Tripp and Zane can look back at their childhood memories and say, “wow my mom was beautiful inside and out.” I want to feel better, and yes, of course, look better. For Tripp and Zane. For Tom. But mainly, for ME.

I am my why. Period. It's my body and my health and I have to be comfortable. And right now, I'm not. But I'm freakin' scared. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't. I'm terrified of what's ahead, but I've talked to some wonderful people who have gone through this and have been willing to share their story with me. 

I'm planning on blogging about my journey, in true dawn ray of sunshine fashion (ahem, #nobullshit.) I'll give you the good, the bad and the ugly. 

And yes, I'm going to wear those stupid running shorts! So stay tuned, friends. It's gonna be a hell of a ride.