Comfortable in My Own (Saggy) Skin

It’s been four weeks today since I had this life-changing surgery, so I wanted to do a quick update.

Total pounds lost:  29 since surgery August 23 (Holy crap) and 44 total since Mid-July.

Hunger Level: None (so weird) I do have to eat, though, because I will realize I am a bit light-headed and need something to eat. Don't need to pass out.

Food activity: I’m currently at the end of phase 2, which consists of protein shakes, pureed soups and pureed foods. On Thursday, I get to move to soft foods, non-pureed soups, and other yummy treats. That should make eating out with my family (which I haven’t done since surgery) a little easier.

Energy Level: getting better, but still not at 100%. I tend to feel pretty good in the am, but start dragging around 3 p.m. (so not much brilliance coming out of my brain at work around that time… or ever for that matter.)

Satisfaction level with surgery: VERY satisfied. It has really been a relatively smooth transition for me, considering the big changes that have been made. I do admit it is a daily struggle, mostly just due to the amount of preparation and planning while I am in this stage of the diet. Also, I have to schedule my exercise with work and the kids’ activities. But I’m getting it done. Nearly a month out, I am VERY glad I did this surgery.

Wardrobe plan: obviously, I am having some wardrobe challenges right now with the rapid weight loss – and I’m certainly not complaining! But good news! I held on to several sizes of black pants, tops and a few dresses, so I will have able to get back in to some of those and will soon. I’m trying not to buy too many pieces right now and make do with what I have in my closet. (Luckily, I have several sizes in my closet!) It’s a process that’s for sure. So if you see me in the same thing I wore last week, don’t judge.

Quirks: I’m learning how to eat again. I know that sounds weird, but what I mean is, I’m retraining my brain on eating too fast. I’ve always been a fast eater, and that just can’t happen anymore. When I do eat fast, I can tell. It feels like I may throw it up, but that’s not healthy. So I just have to retrain myself to slow down. It’s a weir sensation to look at your food container and see you’ve only eaten 4 small spoons full of pureed green beans and feel like you are about to lose it. But it is my new normal.

Being around others while they eat: for the most part, being around others during this time hasn’t bothered me too much. But yes, it has bothered me a bit. Not so much at home when I’m with my family, but being at a social event or gathering. I have only been to a restaurant one time and that was with Tom this past Saturday night. We went to Panera so I could enjoy some soup. Maybe not the best Saturday dinner for him, but at least we sat at a table and ate together. The weird thing is knowing what to do while you aren’t eating and everyone else is. Tom said it should be pretty obvious to do what I do best—TALK. (isn’t he funny?) I’m trying that and it is a little awkward, but I’m getting there.

Deep Thoughts: I’ve also been thinking a lot lately about how I got to this phase in my life where I let my weight and eating habits get away from me. Truly, I’ve always been pretty comfortable in my own skin and of course “have carried my weight well,” but I’ve been trying to pinpoint a few instances where it really bothered me and I said ENOUGH!  Two of my “fat memories” occurred in the first 18 years of my life and have stuck with me until this day.
We all have those memories that stick out in our head and here are two times that I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin.

I was in the 8^th grade and it was right after the junior high prom. I had gotten word that my date – who was just a friend of mine – told a few folks that my face was fat. He just mentioned my face being fat, not anything else. It bothered me for a bit, and I got my feelings hurt, but I seemed to have moved on from it. (Ok, if I’m blogging about it maybe I didn’t really move on from it.)

I’ve written about the high school football game anxiety in the past, and frankly, it began with a “fat” experience.  I’ve mentioned I was a cheerleader and had never really attended a high school game where I wasn’t on the sidelines or had another “task” to accomplish. I was a freshman in college and – as all freshmen do – decided to attend a high school football game at my alma mater. So I did, with several other high school friends. We were sitting up in the bleachers talking to a few other folks that were still in high school and the score had been pretty tight. Late in the game, the visiting team scored, putting them on top.  Someone said, “well, it’ ain’t over ‘til the fat lady sings.” To which someone replied, “sing, Dawn. SING!” I was mortified. I was embarrassed. I was furious. It was the last football game I went to until Tripp had to attend the varsity game at Briarcrest for elementary night four years ago. That awful body-shaming comment stuck with me and I finally realized after many years the reason it did is because I was depressed. The first two years of college were depressing for me, and honestly, I should have been seeing a therapist. I didn’t have a boyfriend (with no dates or prospects for dates), didn’t have that many friends in college and was depressed. (Again, a post for another time.)

Like most women, I hate how I look in pictures. I can find a flaw in nearly every photo and frankly, can be pretty hard on myself. I don’t think I am alone in this practice. But this picture of us on our 16^th wedding anniversary in May was the final straw for me.

Our 16th Wedding Anniversary. Tom looks nearly identical to the day we got married. Me, not so much!

 

Sure, we aren’t dressed up and are heading to a baseball game. Sure, I don’t have any makeup on. Sure, we are sitting on the tailgate of a pick up truck. But honestly, I was taken aback. I tried to make excuses: It must be the shirt. It must be the lighting. It must be how I was sitting. It must be that I’m not wearing makeup. No, it was me. I finally realized this was what others saw when they saw me. It was the most uncomfortable in my skin I had ever been. Surgery was something I had to do. I had my doubts before, but I finally realized that it was the only way I could be healthier. I had to do it.

 
Now, four weeks post-surgery, I am healthier and I’m certainly more comfortable in my own skin. It’s a long journey and I have a long way to go, but I’m in it for the long haul. I’m doing better physically, but also mentally. Guess I will just have to get even more comfortable in my own (saggy) skin.