Return of the Tiger Ticker

Wow. Thanks goodness it’s back. I thought I couldn’t live another day without it. As I settle in to watch basketball last night (as I do excessively during every March,) I see it looming on the bottom of ESPN. The dreaded “Tiger Ticker.” Seriously? This again?

Sure, I heard the news that Tiger Woods is returning to the Master’s in April after his “self-imposed” break from golf, but really, the Ticker again? Aren’t there more important things to dedicate that little portion of my screen to? Let’s see: the NIT; the NCAA tournament; the women’s NCAA tournament; MLB (which is beginning its season in a few days); soccer; the NFL combine; NASCAR; NCAA men’s wrestling tournament; Erin Andrews and her stalker. Anything really. Anything but this.

I realize I haven’t written about Tiger in a while, so I thought I would wax poetic about him once again. I read his statement and have a few comments about that (see below.) But before I get into that, let me answer a few of the pressing questions the media is throwing at us today about Tiger.

Q: He’s was spotted with Elin over the weekend. Are they back together?

A: No, it was a photo op, folks. Good PR people put them together for the media everyday. Tiger just hired one of the best PR folks around—Ari Fleischer (former press secretary to Pres. Bush.) Quite a coincidence, don’t you think, that this photo emerges over the weekend and his statement about the Masters comes out on Tuesday? Not really.

Q: She wasn’t wearing her wedding ring. What does that mean?

A: It means she’s holding out for a bigger one, like Kobe Bryant’s wife. (Get it girl, then dump him!)

Q: Will she stay for the kids?

A: Why is this concerning the media? Those kids are very small and need both parents right now and it is their business. End of discussion.

Q: Is he finished with his therapy?

A: Don’t even get me started about “sex addiction.” As my husband says, when you are single, it is called playing the field and sleeping around. But when you are married, you are allowed to say you suffer from sex addiction. Whatever! You can’t keep it in your pants (and that goes for ladies, too. I’m not discriminating, here.) It is called cheating. You slept with a bunch of women and you are married. Not to mention they were gross women. (you definitely have a type, Tiger.) Be honest, deal with it, move on.



Of course, Tiger won't get on camera and talk to someone, he has to read his statement. So, as a good PR person, I decided to dissect his statement for you and translate it into what it really means…..


"The Masters is where I won my first major and I view this tournament with great respect. After a long and necessary time away from the game, I feel like I'm ready to start my season at Augusta.

Translation: the timing for my “comeback” was perfect. My PR strategist, Ari Fleischer, decided the Masters would be the best time for me to come back. Besides, the sponsors and media need me. The Masters will be so stuffy and boring if I am not there.


"The major championships have always been a special focus in my career and, as a professional, I think Augusta is where I need to be, even though it's been a while since I last played.

Translation: I have a big ego and I think I will win the Masters this year and show everyone that my sleeping around with skanky women has not affected my golfing capability. Plus, I need more money to buy Ambien. Oh, and the skanky women will be coming out of the woodwork to sleep with me and I can’t go back to the 12 or so women I was having an affair with. They think I’m disgusting now.


"I have undergone almost two months of inpatient therapy and I am continuing my treatment. Although I'm returning to competition, I still have a lot of work to do in my personal life.

Translation: my beautiful wife won’t let me touch her and I have to focus my energies on something physical.


"When I finally got into a position to think about competitive golf again, it became apparent to me that the Masters would be the earliest I could play. I called both Joe Lewis and Arnold Palmer and expressed my regrets for not attending the Tavistock Cup and the Arnold Palmer Invitational. I again want to thank them both for their support and their understanding. Those are fantastic tournaments and I look forward to competing in them again.

Translation: I have embarrassed the entire game of golf and some of the greatest golfers who have stood beside me. I felt I owed them an apology for not playing and likely costing them millions of dollars. Plus, Ari Fleischer told me to call them.


"I would also like to thank the Augusta National members and staff for their support. I have deep appreciation for everything that they do to create a wonderful event for the benefit of the game."

Translation: Augusta National begged me to come back. No one wants to see the Masters played by a bunch of old golfers. They knew if I played this year -- at the height of my downfall – it would make more money for them, the sponsors, the networks, hotels in the area, etc. Oh, and also me. Because I have a big ego and I can win the Masters again. And I need the money for more strippers, girlfriends and Ambien. Also, more sex addiction rehabilitation. Hopefully they will send me somewhere with hotter chicks this time.


So there you have it, what I think about Tiger. Let's hope ESPN gets rid of this Ticker. It is interrupting my basketball coverage.